So, Other M happened, we’ve all witnessed it. Some liked it, some didn’t, even though the latter mostly liked Halo: Reach so I find myself dumbfounded when it comes to taking their opinion seriously (Less subtle: Other M is awesome). Back to the main point though… Did you ever wonder how some of the Nintendo franchises would look like if they were to be redone by a third party developer? Sure you did. Well, look below for a small list of games that, if released, would be classified as hazardous because they’d be able to blow your brains out.

5. Golden Sun – Atlus


If there’s one thing Atlus is good at, it’s making RPGs. The fact that they are tearing up Square-Enix’s ass in every single department coupled with the fact that 80% of the population seems to not realize this helps me cry myself to sleep at night very often. Golden Sun on the other hand, Nintendo’s flagship RPG franchise has great potential for a dark and serious story, something Atlus excels at (See: Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga & Nocturne).


Practically soul mates.

How the game would look and feel like is a no brainer. The Golden Sun universe would see a large influx of demons and the combat would become even more amazing. The story alone would get it a 16+ rating. However, a more serious turn would allow the Golden Sun universe to unleash its full potential as a dark RPG, something Nintendo’s consoles very much lack.

4. Pokémon – Blizzard Entertainment


The wet dream of every Pokémon fan – A Massive Multiplayer Online Game. Despite my general dislike of the genre due to lack of innovation, I have to admit that Blizzard Entertainment is the most suited for such an endeavor. No matter what people might say or think, the internet cocaine World of Warcraft still is the most fleshed out and content rich MMORPG on the market. This being largely due to the fact that the game makes money appear out of thin air however, is irrelevant to the current context.

Forget those old turn based battles, real-time is where it’s at. Think of World of Warcraft’s dueling mechanic to get a good idea on how the combat in such a game would look like. Taking the direct control of whichever Pokémon you’re using is a given of course. Let’s also not forget the obligatory boasting around with your “epic” Pokémon, legendaries which can only be taken down by a raid in order for one person to catch them, and they appear only rarely. You’d be the coolest kid in school in no time. Before you know it the Pokémon League would be a bigger thing than a sub-forum on a Zelda Nintendo site.


You know you want it.

3. Star Fox – Bioware


Before we move any further let me make one thing perfectly clear – I LOVE Mass Effect. It is, by a long shot, the best sci-fi franchise in gaming. An extremely elaborate story, detailed characters, fleshed out setting… Everything is just done with so much detail and care that it is obvious that it can only come from Bioware. The gameplay itself hit a lot of controversy among the RPG fan base because technically it diverted as much from the set-in-stone RPG formula that it can hardly be called such… Which is a great thing as the RPG genre is currently sitting in a stale puddle of piss in danger of drowning itself. Back on topic though, the gameplay of Mass Effect would suit better to no other than Star Fox. Adventures was good, and the concept definitely deserves some more exploration.

What you’d get is essentially a mix between Lylat Wars and Mass Effect. Ground missions with beautifully awesome squad combat and aerial dogfights in the gaming equivalent of the X-Wing (In terms of iconic fighter ship, not in quality, the X-Wings are stupid). Given the interesting cast of the Star Fox universe, coupled with Bioware’s god-like writing abilities would result in more simultaneous nerdgasms than the time when the world collectively found out that Samus had a pair of milkshakers.


…Bioware does tend to include sex scenes in their games…

2. Super Mario Bros. – Telltale Games


It was actually a hard decision for this one, as it was a tie between Telltale Games and Double Fine Productions. Telltale Games however, as I have recently realized, is the most underrated developer in the world at the moment. This is of course completely unrelated with the recent release of the 3rd season of Sam & Max and this of course isn’t a blatant advertisement to GO AND PLAY IT NOW. Most developers make bad games at some points, and most game franchises run stale after a while. Speaking of stale, how ya doin’ Mario old pal. What’s that? You need a fresh new take on your franchise in order to make it awesome again and make all the people who are old enough to remember Super Mario Bros. 3 care about you again? No problem! Telltale is here to save the day.

It is no exaggeration to say that the Mario franchise has a lot of potential for whacky comedy. And it is also no exaggeration to say that Telltale games are the absolute world best at whacky comedy (Tim Schafer wants a word with you -Editor). This game would be a strange mix between Paper Mario, Sam & Max and Tales of Monkey Island. Or if you want to get a better mental image of it – Super Mario with some of the best humor the gaming world has to offer. Mario has been in all kinds of predicament so whatever role Telltale would find for him wouldn’t be out of place. He wouldn’t even have to have a voice, simply because Telltale is filled with aliens from the planet Gzn’arpl who make everything funny and as such Mario’s lack of voice would hardly be a hindrance.


Telltale’s source of ideas.

1. The Legend of Zelda – Team Ninja


Team Ninja, the best developer of action games in the world, and The Legend of Zelda, the best action adventure game in the world. Such a happy couple, don’t you think? I’m sure all of us have at some point though how Zelda would look if it were to take a more cinematic approach, like say… Ninja Gaiden. A story development that consists of more than just talking to NPC’s and finding out where you have to go next; a story actually containing dynamic progression not based on patterns. Perhaps the game would contain a few pre-rendered cinematics, causing fans everywhere to spill their nerd juices all over the controller. And of course, the infamous voice acting.


Pictured: Sex

If it isn’t obvious, the game would have a more action oriented approach to it. Dungeons and exploration would still be present, as Team Ninja proved with Other M that they are very capable of doing such a thing. It’s probably safe to say that the combat would be drastically improved and that Boss fights would be more than just good looking. Link would finally expand his hobby of stabbing people in the forehead with the obligatory set of finishing moves involving various flavors of impalement and decapitation (violence is bad). Let’s not forget the inevitable change that all the enemies would go through, turning from borderline-cute bulldog savages into blood thirsty demons feeding off the dreams of small children. Hyrule would be a dangerous place, in which everything that moves is a potential death sentence, and you’d only be equipped with your sword, shield and skill; hoping the last one is up to par so that the next Octorock you meet doesn’t create an abstract painting at the spot where your face used to be.

And it would be glorious.

Sorted Under: Editorials
Tagged With: