*Insert Hate for Tetris Here*

Valentine’s day has passed us by for another year. The time of year when we’re all supposed to be all loving, but around here, is seems like everyone is full of hate. Alex, and all of you Zelda fans, apparently hate Zelda, and me, well – I hate Tetris. The difference is, “Zelda Fans Hate Zelda” was a sarcastically ironic satire. This isn’t sarcastic, or ironic, or satirical, I seriously hate Tetris. Now, I was always taught that hate is a strong word that shouldn’t be used lightly. So, when I say I hate Tetris, I’m dead serious.

Sure, I will give it some minor credit, because some minor credit is what it deserves. It was a clever little game, when it was made 27 years ago. It’s a fun little play for a while, and slightly addictive. It just wastes away our time, which is all the more reason to hate it. But despite that, it is just a little game. It’s just like something like Paper Plane on DSi Ware – a fun fiddle, but not something you want to have a long-lasting relationship with, unlike real games like Mario, Pokémon or Zelda.

My gripe with Tetris is all of its hype. There are hundreds of little Tetris-like games around that waste our life away, but none are held in high regard like Tetris. Is it just because Tetris was the original time waster? It absolutely sickens me to see Tetris ranked so highly on top games lists. As sure as Ocarina of Time ranks high in every list, Tetris is always there. Sometimes just behind, sometimes ahead. I mean seriously, what is that? Just like Tetris is supposedly the most wanted game on the upcoming 3DS shop, but what about Link’s Awakening?

Tetris is a little kid’s game that looks like it was made by a six year old. I know Russia isn’t known for game development, and no wonder, considering Tetris is all they’ve produced. I mean, Tetris is so simple that I could make it using amateur software like Game Maker. In fact I have. That really is saying something if you know how awesome I am at sucking at using Game Maker. Real games, like Super Mario Galaxy can’t be made by some two-year-old on their home computer.

Tetris is pretty much some glorified block stacking. Block stacking like we did when we sat on the floor in diapers. Is there some sort of order? We start with blocks, then move up to Duplo, then on to Lego and graduate to Tetris? That can’t be correct. It’s insulting to Lego to say that Tetris is more advanced, because it really isn’t. However you look at it, there’s no way that Tetris is anywhere near the league of games like Ocarina of Time. Does the popularity of Tetris reflect what society has become? Do we prefer to mindlessly flip around blocks instead of playing things like Zelda that require problem solving, higher levels of thought, and have life changing messages throughout? I fear so.

No doubt Tetris can be fun, or at least, was fun once upon a time. It wasted hours, not to mention our potential for doing something much better. As good of a little game that it may be, the only award that it truly deserves is “The Most Overrated Thing Ever”. I’m sick of hearing it compared to games that it quite frankly can’t really be compared to. Tetris is no Zelda or Mario – it’s not even at the level of Aragorn’s Quest, which was a pretty stale game. It’s a different genre entirely. Tetris is more like an iPhone app than a true game. Just a couple of dollars to download – that’s Tetris realizing its potential.

It’s funny that plenty of you are probably loaded and ready to fire the cliché comeback saying that I “only hate Tetris because I suck at it”. Come on, it’s Tetris. Play it for a little and you’re a pro. It’s almost impossible to be terrible at Tetris. It lacks any real skill development. Everyone is good, but then some players are great. I pity those ‘great’ ones who have wasted their lives. Tetris doesn’t use skill, it just uses up time. I hate Tetris with a fiery passion, but don’t even get me started on Pac-Man. Besides, we all know that Dr. Mario is much better than both of them anyway.

Sorted Under: Editorials
Tagged With: