The Bloody Origin of Bongo Bongo

Bongo Bongo! What a delightfully descriptive name! I can just imagine the hours spent in total seclusion by Miyamoto and the team, just trying to figure out what to name this most dark of Zelda bosses. Somewhere down the line, one of them must have said “fuck it”, took its defining characteristic, and named it that…and then added the word to the name again for good measure.

Anywho, the exact nature of Bongo Bongo – his life, dreams, aspirations, masturbatory habits – are left as a great mystery to the gamer. And you may ask “But Dylan? Why should we care about this single boss when the other random monsters that litter the lower levels of the land don’t warrant it?” I will simply scoff at you, backhand you like an enraged hillbilly strikes his literal dog of a wife, and answer “Because Bongo Bongo is no mere monster; he is in actuality the vengeful spirit of a man killed by the corrupt Kingdom of Hyrule!”

Now, before you have time to be so shocked at this claim that you come after me with pitchforks and torches, burning effigies and singing lewd songs that have to do about the numerous ways you wish to do harm to me in various forms of psycho-sexual torture, allow me to explain my position. I’m sure that if you didn’t agree with me before, you will now. And if you do agree with my sentiments, I’m sure it’s because you’ve heard this theory myriad times before and are tired to death with it. However, you will find I have a bit of a different take on it…

Bongo Bongo, while easy to write off as yet another “Zelda-Boss-Character-With-Obvious-Glowing-Central-Eye/Eyelike-Weakspot” type of fellow, is in actuality much more. For example – he plays music. Granted, it’s not the best, but at least he tried goddammit! I don’t see Volvagia playing any fanciful sonnets, do you? I didn’t think so. This would seem to suggest that Bongo Bongo has more to him than meets the eye. Get it? Because of the eye…thing…yeah? You know, sticking from the middle part? Yeah? Ha Ha Ha…yeah.

Anywho, more noticeable than that is the oft-mentioned obviousness of his shape – a decapitated man, hanging upside-down, with his floating (severed) hands floating about him. Kind of a creepy sight, mind. It’s one of those things that once seen, cannot be unseen. Adding onto that, Kakariko Village plays host to an underground torture chamber in the well (replete with bloodstained devices of extremely questionable nature), and was in fact the old headquarters of the Royal Family’s personal group of Magic Ninja Assassins, and you’ve got quite a story running up here.

Where most theorists would leave it off at the idea that Bongo Bongo was simply a criminal of some sort tortured and killed by the Sheikah during a war in Hyrule’s past, content to simply listen to common sense and all bounds of logic, I prefer to take that extra step and add a bit of a kick to theorists’ collective complacent ass (no offense to theorists at large – I love you, but we could use a good ass-kicking here and there).

Bongo Bongo, as already discussed, is known for his bongo, as pictured below:

Now, why would a war criminal be playing a bongo? That doesn’t exactly sound like the activity of an insanely violent man. In fact, that sounds like the activity of a peace-loving beatnik. If so, why would the Hyrulean government have a hippie flower child tortured and killed? There is a possible answer, assuming my logic is flawless: that he was killed because he was advocating peace.

It is strongly hinted that the Shadow Temple, where “is gathered Hyrule’s bloody history of greed and hatred”, is a marker for the dark war that swept the land – the same war that orphaned the young Hero of Time. This “Unification War” (as it is called) was a time when the kingdom of Hyrule was essentially at war with, well, the rest of the kingdom of Hyrule. It was the period where all the disparate tribal regions (Goron, Zora, etc.) were “unified” into one large kingdom, headed by the Hylians.

Now, I don’t know about you, but this sounds a bit fishy. Somehow I doubt the Gorons and Zoras instigated this, and judging by the Shadow Temple and Bottom of the Well, Hyrule employed some awfully harsh tactics. Throw in the fact that the Gerudo King Ganondorf – effective archenemy of all that is good – was in fact aiding Hyrule in the conflict, and that it was being headed up by the wonderful king who ignored his daughter’s prophecies later on, and you get even more suspicion. It is not unknown or unexpected for warmongering kingdoms to torture and kill those who speak out against their warring actions, and those peaceful speakers do have quite a bit of overlap with bongo-playing hippies.

Is it in fact possible that Bongo Bongo was killed by a potentially evil Hyrule in the kingdom’s bid to maintain order? Am I reading far too much into these minute details? Will I receive copious amounts of backlash from both my superiors and the general populace for my debut article alluding to Bongo Bongo’s sex life and writing a quasi-opinion theory piece instead of a random news article for my try-out? Stay tuned and find out!

Source(s):Bongo Bongo: Zelda Wiki, Hyrulean Civil War: Zelda Wiki, Shadow Temple: Zelda Wiki