Fan Article: Ocarina of Time Bosses Ain’t that Bad
Posted on June 30 2012 by GestaltReplicant
The following is a fan article from Zelda Informer Forums member Dizzi. Dizzi claims she is not a troll, but this entire submission was written in rainbow Comic Sans (see here). Whatever the case, we were truly entertained. Without further ado…“Ocarina of Time Bosses Ain’t that Bad”.
I was recently playing the new Legend of Zelda, Skyward Sword, and I got to the end of the Sandship to the boss (in which I haven’t got any further than the next silent realm; I’m all ready to jump into cuz I’m scared of the Guardians), Tentalus. He seems to be trying to guard his home and we sailed into it. This got me thinking about Ocarina of Time bosses how they may innocent and trying to defend themselves!
Gohma
Queen Gohma is a big scorpion thing. She is not doing anything too bad; she is just hanging out .And then we come in and start shooting her in her eye. I think she just wants to be a good mum to her little babies with a safe home… which happens to be inside the Great Deku Tree… so I kind of think she is acting in self-defense or baby defense like a momma tiger or we’re luncheon, I mean – Hello! We just walked in on her dozing.
As the Great Deku Tree says, Ganon cursed him. I think Ganon saw Gohma all pregnant-like and thought ‘I can use her for my own needs.’ And said to Queen Gohma “There’s a tree there for you and your babies to nest in” (in a manipulating way) and she’s all like “A home! Thanks Ganon!” So she moved in not knowing it’s the Great Deku Tree and makes a nice little home for her and babies and kills him by accident, and then we kill her by shooting and slashing her eye.
King Dodongo
King Dodongo is a big overgrown lizard that seems to be trapped in his boss room as there appears to be no way out apart from the blue light after he’s been beaten (unless you want to try and find a nice strong rope and pull him out of the tiny hole). Ganon has imprisoned Dodongo’s family in the Cavern by placing a seal at the entrance with a boulder so I think you’d get a bit annoyed if you and your family got trapped in a cave!
Ganon has blocked the cave off so the Gorons can’t get food and the Dodongos can’t get out. But Ganon wants it that way so the Gorons will go ‘please help we’ll give you our stone!’ but Link (us, you, me, whatever) helps out of the goodness of his/my/our/whatever heart.
Barinade
We meet Barinade in Lord Jabu-Jabu’s stomach after he accidently swallows Princess Ruto’s sapphire, which is also the Zora engagement ring, passed to Ruto by her deceased mother. Ruto, who we have been carrying about Lord Jabu-Jabu’s stomach, disappears when we meet the sub-boss – a Big Octo who we beat while getting a bit dizzy!
We go to fight Barinade (who looks a bit like a pink snowman with tentacles holding the ceiling) leeching the life from Lord Jabu-Jabu. It’s like Barinade is a virus and we are the antibiotic sent to fight Barinade so Lord Jabu-Jabu can be fighting fit and healthy again!
Phantom Ganon
Phantom Ganon is made from the magic of Ganon to test Link and find out if it’s worth real Ganon hunting Link down and killing him but Ganon thinks “Nah I’ll not bother he’ll die before he rescues the Seven Sages.” Like Saria who is Link’s childhood friend and the Forest Sage. But of course Link goes and beats real Ganon with all the Seven Sages help later in the game.
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Volvagia
A dragon type creature (I always thought ‘he’ was a ‘she!) that is ancient and hungry and under Ganon’s orders to eat the Gorons, they have beaten him before as mentioned by goron Link (or whatever you’ve called the main character but he is generally known as ‘Link’). Goron Link is the son of the fire sage Darunia, and so they are said to be descended from a legendary hero who beat Volvagia before with the Megaton Hammer.
Darunia said that if Volvagia escapes then Volvagia would turn Hyrule into a ‘burning wasteland’. The Gorons try to put Volvagia off eating them by saying they’ll give him a stomach ache. I think there is a minion giving Volvagia the Gorons to eat, because I don’t think Ganon would be hanging around to make sure Volvagia eats the Gorons, and I don’t think Volvagia would fit through the doors to get to the cells. Maybe he just wants some milk for his sore throat and a throat sweet or two!
Morpha
Morpha is the boss of the very confusing water temple, it is a pink blob that can control the water it resides in. It has frozen Zora’s Domain; the only free Zora is Link’s fiancée(?) – Princess Ruto, who was saved by Sheik. Then she went to investigate the source of the water weirdness at Lake Hylia where Link meets up with her again and she shows us one of three locations to alter the water level.
Bongo-Bongo
I think Bongo-Bongo was cursed after getting his head and hands cut off after committing some heinous crime, maybe he was a musical minded minstrel who stole the lens of truth and the mask of truth from a master Sheikah torturer and was banished to the bottom of the well but he liked the back of the graveyard more.
Bongo went to the well to plan his revenge on the shadow temple’s sage Impa, who is also Princess Zelda’s nursemaid. We went to exorcise the poltergeist from the temple so he could move on to the afterlife and find a head and play some new tunes!
Twinrova (Koume & Kotake)
We go into the spirit temple as a child at first as we cannot access very much as an adult. After going through the confusing desert, following an invisible ghost, we learn the Requiem of Spirit. As the Child we meet Nabooru, spirit sage and second in command of the Gerudo, who asks Link to get the silver gauntlets that will help her in her rebelling against Ganon.
After Link has got the gauntlets (that are too big for child Link) he witnesses Nabooru being kidnapped by Twinrova. Link returns to the temple as an adult and fights an iron knuckle who turns out to be a brainwashed Nabooru; he defeats her and goes to beat Twinrova.
Kotake and Koume are twin witch sisters whose weakness is the others power, Kotake’s weakness is her sister’s flames and Koume doesn’t do well with Kotake’s ice.
Twinrova are Ganon’s surrogate parents, we don’t know what happened to Ganon’s real parents (possibly Ganon killed them). Out of misguided love and wanting him to have what he wants and protecting Ganon, the sisters try to kill Link so Ganon can rule Hyrule with no contest.
Their end-scene where they start arguing about their ages and get halos is funny ha ha! I don’t really understand why this happened shouldn’t they get little devil horns and tails?
Ganondorf/Ganon
Ok, I have to confess, I have never beaten Ganon in Ocarina of Time (but I never did in Twilight Princess or The Wind Waker either). I have got to his room and then I wimp out! He is the majorly evil guy because he kidnapped Zelda and made Hyrule all dry and dead-like, probably by firing the guards so the monsters could get in and roam without any interference.
Link is the only one who can stop him with the Master Sword and the sages supposed help! Ganon has two forms the human looking guy who needs a wash (I mean green skin eww!) After you think you’ve finished him, the weird bull-man creature with two big swords bursts out of the wrecked castle. It’s a bit annoying to think you’ve killed him after all this but you haven’t, you’ve just sealed him away for now, which allows the makers to make more Legend of Zelda games for us to enjoy!
So what did you think? Do we perhaps need more Dizzi in our life? Comment away!
