I got many
"Attention, test prisoners attempting to escape through the air ducts. I don't know what nonsense you learned on TV, but in real life, air ducts just go to the air conditioning unit. It's also pretty dusty, so if you've got asthma, chances are you're gonna die up there. And we'll be smelling it for weeks because, again, the air ducts aren't a secret escape hatch, they're how we ventilate the facility."
"[throat clear] This thing on? I'm gonna be brief. Because I'm dying. Because I got shivved. A lot. I just wanna get it on record that using force fields for doors in a space prison is a bad idea. You know what would have been better? Regular doors. With locks. Locks that don't open when the power goes out. [cough cough] Man, those blue force fields looked good, though. Every time I saw one, I thought, Wow. I am in space. Still though. A door made out of paper would have been better in the long run. Would have at least slowed 'em down for a second. Anyway. [cough] Anybody not escaping or shivving me, get back to work."
"It's come to my attention that over half of our test subjects have only recently awoken from extended relaxation and were unaware that we're testing in space. So there it is: No conspiracy. No twist. We're in a test satellite orbiting the Earth. Commonly available information that absolutely anyone would have told you if you'd bothered to ask. Please stop forming groups of adventuring parties to uncover the big secret, because it's that we're in space."
"Looks like we just had to seal up Science Sphere Seven. Hull breach. Another adventure party smashed through the hull to learn the big mystery. Guess they were busy doing that instead of testing, because I've mentioned we're in space every half hour. By the way: still in space."
"Aaaand another hull breach. Let's all give a big hand to the test subjects of Sphere Eighteen for bravely uncovering the company-wide conspiracy, which is that there's no air in space. Once again: We're in space. It's not a secret. I am sincerely regretting my decision not to install windows in this thing."
"Beancounter said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair - did it anyway, ramps are expensive. "
"he lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group, they're telling me I ought to stop making these pre-recorded messages - that gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day!"
"There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come, either, because you don't have any other friends because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file: "Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner, whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall NOT be mourned." That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that's funny, too."
"Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far... is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that, and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn't going to happen. "
"That's you! That's how dumb you sound! You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done, including this thing. You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee! Where did your life go so wrong?"
"That thing you burned up isn't important to me; it's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It makes shoes for orphans... nice job breaking it, hero."
GLaDOS: [waking up] Oh. It's *you.*
Wheatley: [shocked, to Chell] You *know* her?
GLaDOS: It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been *really* busy being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME?
Wheatley: You did WHAT?
GLaDOS: [Chell and GLaDOS are falling down a very long shaft] Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
[claps slowly three times]
GLaDOS: Oh, good. My slow-clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere - Well, we *are* going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. - but since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts: he's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the *dumbest* moron who ever lived. And *you* just put him in charge of the entire facility.
[clap, clap]
GLaDOS: Good, that's still working. Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long-fall boots of yours and shove me into it? Just remember to land on one foot...
GLaDOS: Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: "A horrible person." We weren't even testing for that. Don't let that horrible-person thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
Cave Johnson: All right, I've been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade!
GLaDOS: Yeah.
Cave Johnson: Make life take the lemons back!
GLaDOS: Yeah!
Cave Johnson: Get Mad!
GLaDOS: Yeah!
Cave Johnson: I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?
GLaDOS: Yeah, take the lemons!
Cave Johnson: Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man whose gonna burn your house down - with the lemons!
GLaDOS: Oh, I like this guy.
Cave Johnson: I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that'll burn your house down!
GLaDOS: Burn it down! Burning people. He says what we're all thinking.
Cave Johnson: [sickly cough] The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's inteligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that one out right now. Brain mapping, artificial inteligence - we should've been working on it thirty years ago. And I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody will hear it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me in to a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
[another sickly cough]
Cave Johnson: Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't do it. She's modest like that. But you make her! Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
[another sickly cough]
Cave Johnson: All right, test's over. You can head on back to your desk.
GLaDOS: Goodbye, sir.
GLaDOS: I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now.
[phone dialing and ringing; in a stranger, lower voice]
GLaDOS: The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up.
[Dial tone; normal voice]
GLaDOS: Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company
Wheatley: [ding sound, Wheatley reveals a potato with a device on it] Ahhh... See that? That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
[laughs]
GLaDOS: I know you.
Wheatley: Sorry, what?
GLaDOS: The engineers tried everything to make me - behave. To slow me down. Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
Wheatley: No! I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
GLaDOS: It was YOUR voice.
Wheatley: No! No! You're LYING! You're LYING!
GLaDOS: Yes. You're the tumor. You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Wheatley: I am NOT! A MORON!
[Wheatley starts hitting the glass of the elevator Chell is in with the arm holding GLaDOS]
GLaDOS: Yes you are! You're the moron they built to make me an idiot!
Wheatley: [continues punching the glass] Well how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON? Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
[the elevator, with Chell and GLaDOS in it, breaks completely and falls down the shaft]
Wheatley: Uh-oh.
That's just some of them from a single series, I will do more series later.
[video=youtube;p0__zvbhGDY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0__zvbhGDY[/video]
[video=youtube;MlPhZcYbz6g]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlPhZcYbz6g[/video]
Videos are less funny, out of order and missing parts, but still funny.