WARNING. SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND CONTENT IN THIS POST TOO MATURE.
I've been feeling really lost and sick lately. not because I actually have some physical illness but because of what I have been doing for the past few days. With what's been going on, I honestly can't wait to start going back to work. I think that'll help a lot. I also wanna try and hit the internet just a little bit more so that I can just shut people here out. It sounds awful to say such a thing but I really need to shut at least one person out.
So for the past couple of days, I have ended up enabling someone to cheat on her boyfriend. To make this worse, her boyfriend is the other roommate here. The three of us living together has really proved interesting. The two of them fight... a lot. And out of instinct really, I come to her aid. Comfort her if she needs it. It's gone too far though. And it's a mixture of me not putting my foot down on things when I should and her breaking and giving in to temptation. I'm always so passive about things here. It's an unfortunate habit I have picked up from living with such a strict stepmother. If she was yelling, I'd just have to stay quiet and agree and avoid further trouble. Any talking back or even trying to talk things out would just make it worse. Not like I need to join in on the roommates fighting anyway, but it isn't just there that I'm being so passive.
As I said, I'm enabling her to cheat on her bf. Now I like her a lot, but it's wrong. really wrong. And it's really bad. What started out as just laying down watching a movie together turned into making out, which then turns into clothing coming off and near sex activities happening. 2 days ago it was just making out, yesterday it was some playing with each other, totally nude. Tonight she was wanting to go all the way even though we both agreed that would be bad. I'm happy I was at least able to keep from that, because if I truly didn't control myself, it would have been easy.
Now Yesterday and just about 30 minutes before I finished this post, we talked things over afterwards. And we both know we need to stop. I hope she really does try to stop like she says she will, but the way things go between her and the bf, I'm not sure she'll be able to. They fight pretty much daily, and I haven't once seen them together like they were nearly a year ago when they started dating. Last night, she slept on the couch because of an argument they had before they went to bed. This is going to leave the control up to me, I feel. And I really don't want to but know I have to. I've been feeling sick, stomach hurts way too much, for the past few days during times I'm trying to control us. And when I snap I feel so much better but then remember it's wrong.
I'm trying to figure out a way to help keep control when she starts going too far. right now my Idea is to think about Rebecca again, which some of you reading might know all that jazz between me and Rebecca. If I can start thinking about her again, especially during the times I'm alone with the girl here, I know I won't have any problems keeping control. Rebecca was the reason I was single for so nearly 3 years. I only wanted to be with her and I let that take over. A problem with this, though, is that I get really depressed when I think about her. I start wanting to talk to her. And I've doing really good about keeping from talking to her. I haven't since the new year. She doesn't even know I've moved yet. The girl here knows about Rebecca though, and would be able to tell if I was thinking about her. Which may lead to her trying to distract me in ways I'm thinking about Rebecca to avoid those distractions.
My other idea to try and keep from doing things with her is quite simply to make sure I'm never alone with her. It's kinda tough when her bf is at work and the two of us are home, though. And that's why I wanna try and be on the internet more as well. Because at least them I'm not "Alone" with her. I've got some other people I can talk to. So If you guys see me on here, I am really gonna need your help to keep me cheerful. Because when I get depressed I don't feel like doing much of anything. Some of you have seen me depressed in the Sb before. I come in, see all the happiness, say "Hey guys. What's up" feel ignored and then go "actually I think I'm gonna head out." So if I seem depressed in the shoutbox, please try and do something to at least distract me and cheer me up. You don't have to try and help. In fact I'll probably say I don't want help, but just to be distracted.
Now there is one other thing that gets me down about this whole situation. It's that when we have talked it over, she always tells me she's sorry. Sorry for bringing me into all of this, that it's all her fault, and that I shouldn't feel bad about what's been going on, but I still do. And I've told her this. I feel bad for all of this. It's not all her fault. I'm allowing it to happen. I can easily just say no, or decide to go to bed instead of stay up with her later, or try something to avoid any of what has happened over the past 3 days. And when I tell her it's not all her fault she keeps telling me to stop and that I'm doing nothing wrong. That it's all on her. But it's not, is it? I don't understand why it has to be just her fault.
If you've read this, I thank you for at least being concerned for me. I just don't really have anywhere else to put something like this. I need to talk to someone about this and I trust the members of this forum. Maybe I shouldn't feel as bad about this as I do. I don't know. I don't ask that you respond in any way or try to give me any advice, I just need a place to vent. So again, thank you guys for reading this.
