Probably giving unwelcome advice, again, but here goes. I apologize in advance that this may be blunt but I think this is something important you need to think about as soon as possible because the all or nothing mindset you're facing right now is cruel to you.
The problem is you've made these things too much the focus of your identity, to the point that people rejecting them is synonymous to them rejecting you. For instance, being closeted is much more painful if a person feels like they're hiding their entire self to that, and if you have made being lgbt that central to your self concept then it's self explanatory why that is destructive to you. And if you feel you have to change who you are in order to be religious then you've gone way too far with these labels. Even with the metal thing, you kind of went all in as if you can't just enjoy the music; you have to absorb the subculture and the headbanging and all of that? And obviously now you think that these things cannot coexist with faith and the only reason they can't is because you are processing them in absolutes. I know you're going through a lot right now and it's hard to think clearly when upset (don't need to explain that to me at all :/) but, I cannot sit by and watch you spiral over something that I know is a huge contributor to this dilemma.
The amount you talk about being queer on ZD is kind of alarming and unhealthy and frankly it doesn't surprise me that it has altered the way you think this drastically. And to my previous post, you can't ever just acknowledge a fictional character has a cool design, it's always something about your sexuality and it's both uncomfortable and saddening that this is the way you're interacting with things. That is not to say being queer is bad; but you are utterly obsessed with it--of course any resistance you face, even if not directed at you, is no longer thought provoking things to consider and is instead people disapproving of you entirely--because you have given that label too much power over you. And that is not fair to you. You shouldn't simplify yourself like that. You are the only you there is.
you know why I talk about it so much? You wanna know why? Because I can't ****ing talk about it with anyone else. Nobody. You are all I have. You are the only people in the whole world I can talk to regularly about this kind of thing. I don't have anyone in real life. Nobody I can hang out with regularly. My friends...I see them once every few months for a couple hours. I don't have a phone. I don't keep connections with people irl because I don't ****ing have a phone. My only close friends are you all. And I crave acceptance and support and love because I don't have any in environment around me. They say I love you but they ****ing don't. They don't. I have seen my grandma's face when she saw a lesbian couple. I saw my mom's uncomfortable-ness when she saw a lgbtq+ commercial. I saw my dad's anger when I played a cover of a pop song a few years back that had an overly feminine guy singing. I heard my sis call it weird, gross, not good, bad. They're all going to think that, and then they'll connect it to me. I can't let them connect it to me.
What the hell are you talking about, it is myself. It's me. It's part of me. That they don't like a part of me, they don't like who I am. They'll always say, I love you, but do they love me if they hate who I am? Who loves somebody and then rants about who I am at the same time. I should think out of all people you would know what I'm talking about. Oh, I love frax, I really do, but man do I hate people that like bugs, they annoy me so much, I simply can't accept it. Do you see? Do you ****ing see?
So what if I obsess. I love myself, I'm sorry I'm a horny teenager that sees girls as hot. I'm sorry I'm so open. I don't say everything I think yknow. I feel guilt and shame for so long because of the thoughts I have. You don't know what the church did to me, how it obsesses over marriage and sex and dating but at the same ****ing time shames any of members who aren't married about having sexual feelings. I thought they were intrusive thoughts. I was worried. I hated myself. I still feel shame sometimes when I lie in bed. I wanted to escape the shame here.
**** I can like characters without being sexually attracted. I just talk about the characters I really really like the most because I love them.
Thought provoking? Why the **** should I consider it? If it's against lgbtq+, that's discrimination, I will stand up for people who are suicidal and anxious and depressed, I won't stand for hateful talk and harms others and hurts me.
You know so many people die because of this.
I don't obsess, you may see it that way, I just love who I am. I can't mix those two together. I can't mix the church's view and my view together, it's either me, or the church. Me, or God. I either live in constant shame and self-denial, or love who I am.
HOW DO I NOT MAKE THIS A CENTRAL POINT WHEN THE CHURCH MAKES MARRIAGE A CENTRAL POINT
you don't understand. Catholics don't focus on this, they don't pressure marriage or anything like that. I am faced with a future I don't want. It expected of me to get married and have a family. There are wards specifically for people to get together and get married. A gay person doesn't fit in the mold. The whole thing is about family. I'm so scared for my future. I'm so sick of myself, why do I have to deal with this, why do I have this, why is it wrong. Why was I born into this church when I'm incompatible with it. I don't want kids. I don't want to give birth one day, it's terrifying. I'd rather adopt or just have pets.
I love metal by the way. I don't ****ing care if you see it as being obsessed or trying to fit in with every other metalhead. No I don't. Okay. I like metal because I do. And when I like stuff, I'm passionate about it. I want to share it. I want show my love for it. I want to share it with you because I love you. I want you to enjoy stuff with me, I want a connection. And if that takes the form of little joke posts about headbanging and stuff, I don't ****ing care. I absolutely enjoy it, and I thought I was showing my love it clearly. I guess too much love and it becomes annoying.
I'm sorry I talk about it. I'll shut up. I knew it. I knew it I knew it I knew it.