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Chuck Norris Jokes


The tree hugger of Hyrule
Ahhh... classic jokes...

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.



Chuck norris played russian roulette witha fully loaded gun and won

newton's third law is wrong. there is no equal reaction for a chuck norris roundhouse kick

the bible was originally titled "chuck norris and friends"


Former Hylian Knight
Jun 8, 2009
Don't know if this one was mentioned already.. but..
Chuck Norris doesn't read books! he stares them down for their information.
Ya i know, super lame.


Feb 24, 2010
I got two. Sorry if they've already been mentioned.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful it'll affect your genetics so that decades from now your descendents will grab the back of their heads and scream "What the hell was that!".

February Eve

ZD District Attorney
Mar 21, 2010
Chuck Norris doesn't time-travel, time travels for him.

Shakespeare deleted the line "What's in a name?" when someone said "Chuck Norris."

Avada kedavra is fatal to the person aiming at Chuck Norris.

When Atlas needed a break, he called Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris balanced the world on his pinkie.

When Chuck Norris says "Boo", ghosts faint.


Quid est veritas, Claudia
Feb 9, 2010
I don't know if some of these have already been said, but I'm not in the mood to read 4 pages to find around.

Chuck Norris doesn't go swimming, the water goes Chuck Norrising.

Chuck Norris can it just one Lays potato chip.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

The last time Chuck Norris ran the 100 meter, he beat the world record. But he's still trying to beat his PR. (Love that one :D )

Famous last words: "I found Chuck Norris!"

In all the movies where Bruce Lee kills Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee dies shortly after filming.


Hero of Limes

If you type Google Chuck Norris on Google and then click the "I'm feeling lucky" button...well why don't you see for yourself!

Darn, I just noticed the person above me has the exact same post! So much for me being observant. >.<
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Master of Chaos
May 12, 2010
The United States of Hysteria
Anemos's Correlative Response to lack of understanding

Newton's Third law is wrong. There is no equal reaction for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

I notice this is a joke, but I have an urge to write something educational and contradictory today.

You see, if there wasn't a reaction to the round house kick, the recoil effect seen here would not exist.


Jul 15, 2009
I have some more :D

There's no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There's only another fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't need telescopes. He can already see further than them with his eyes closed.

Chuck Norris was cold. So Global Warming happened.

Chuck Norris doesn't merely walk to his destination- the fabric of space-time is so afraid of him it bends to let him through.

Chuck Norris doesn't put money into vending machines; vending machines put money into Chuck Norris.



Dec 7, 2009
Inside my personal pot, killing some bugs.
I found these ones while I was scrubbing around (Hope you like it) :

-If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

-In an average living room there are over 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant Meteor.

-Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

-On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with violence.

-Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11: A suicide.

-Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased over 13,000 percent.

-That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups, that's Chuck Norris moving Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

-Alliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

-Let's suppose that Chuck Norris has 5 dollars and you also have 5 dollars, sorry, he has more money than you.

I think I'll scrub a little bit more to find more interesting fact about Chuck Norris...


Oct 4, 2010
Well I know two right now...
Chuck Norris went to Burger King and asked for a Big Mac. He got it.
Acid doesn't burn Chuck Norris; he burns the acid.


I don't suffer from it ..
Jun 17, 2010
-How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

What about some Chuck Norris facts for the Zelda world?

-Chuck Norris could have saved Termina from destruction simply by staring at the moon, causing it to retreat back to the sky out of fear.

-There were originally 4 spells in Ocarina of Time - Din's Fire, Farore's Wind, Nayru's Love, and Chuck Norris' Rage. They removed the 4th spell to give the bosses a fighting chance against the player.

-Lake Hylia wasn't drained due to a curse at the Water Temple. Chuck Norris got thirsty.
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Aug 29, 2010
Here's one I can remeber from the back of my head: Chuck Norris can shoot down a military helicopter by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang". LOL

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