Zelda Art The Tale of Mases: the Hero of Zendialia- PG 13 (language and Possibly Gore)

[Luigidude64]

(heh, I though i'd do some sort of stupid spin-off)

Prologe?

As the blazing sun fell below the clouds surrounding the City of "Shen-Tai' ", many people scurried to find a house or safe cave to hide with-in. Millions of Shadows apeared from the ground, eyes glowing blood red. A few with yellow cat-like eyes. they moved like air, even though they had legs adorned in sheik black leather. Their atire was completely made of black material, mostly leather and rubber. Weapons materialized from diamonds and were instantly grabbed by the Evil omens. The people who didn't find a home, or hiding place, were cut in half, or sliced to bits. Blood spat all over the pristine grass and golden brown trees, the corspes lay there, blood pouring out of their abdomen, or spilling out of their mouths and nose. . .

"Hm, he's not here this time. . ." One of the Shadows fiinally said, breaking the frightening silence.

"What? But Derutea said he was, I'm positive he said so. . ." Another to the right said.

"I guess he lied. . . Again. . ." The first replied.

"Well thenn, we'll just have tooo. . . Teeell himm. . ." A Shadow glided forward, and spoke in a whispy voice. "No need too leavvve a liar tooo. . . Lie again can weee?" he said again.

"Yeessss, you are right Netare', but, I shall ask the Master first. I am suure he'll accept the offer. . ." The first said, and dissapeared in a thick fog, as like the rest. . .

 

[Ganondork]

Huh, interesting concept. You tend to repeat some words when descibing things, and it makes you sound robotic. Some of your sentences tend to be repetitive and really just don't need to be there. Sometimes you describe unimportant things, and neglect the things that do require description. I'm not saying it's bad to describe things that don't particularly matter, but you need to find a balance of describing useful, and unimportant things. Overall it was an interesting chapter, though.

 

[Linknerd09]

What an awesome and suspenseful prologue. Keep up the fantastic work, LD!

 

[Hero of Time]

Good work. I'm interested to see where this leads.

 

[Caleb, Of Asui]

Hm... quite good. You could perhaps use a bit of editing (it's spelled prologue, for example), but overall it's pretty good. You could perhaps add a little depth to certain details, but the whole slicing-people-up made me feel kind of sick as-is. Once the dialogue started, I had no idea what they were talking about--am I missing some of the background or context to this?

 

[Luigidude64]

Hm... quite good. You could perhaps use a bit of editing (it's spelled prologue, for example), but overall it's pretty good. You could perhaps add a little depth to certain details, but the whole slicing-people-up made me feel kind of sick as-is. Once the dialogue started, I had no idea what they were talking about--am I missing some of the background or context to this?

The next chapter exlains atleast most of their motives and what they're doing so. . .