ONLY READ THE RULES, LOOK AT THE TWO PIECES OF WORK THAT WAS CREATED BY PEOPLE THE SAME AGE AS ME AND THEN MY WORK. I AM NOT FORCING YOU TO READ IT ALL
There are some flaws you really need to improve on.
1. You need to make good use of Paragraphs. I do Paragraphs about every 10 lines, or twenty, depending on the location and events.
2. You need to use a new line for speech. I see that you write them in between sentences.
3. Grammar. I noticed things such as,
"Link anwsered back "etc." at one point. And near the end of the chapter, you listed the names with commas, but you didn't use spaces. Also, when you finish a quote with speech marks, you use a comma, not a dot. I have an example here:
“I know these items, I used them before, you too Link.” And, you called Link, The Hero of Time 'hero of time' Not only that, but you need to make thing's plural and use your literacy skills. Link Shadow should be "Link's Shadow"
4. There isn't that much description. I can only picture the characters in darkness, really. You are doing it on a computer, right? If you have Word, correct all the mistakes and use the Thesaurus. Describe the size of the room, how bright it is, is it a clean, shiny marble palace, or an ancient, vine covered temple? It gives the reader a much better image.
5. You need to work on Openers and vocabulary. Perhaps,
'Abruptly, a dark figure slowly emerged from Link and formed a dark, sinister clone to the Hero of Time, Link,'
That gives a much better image, as you have used adjectives and better vocabulary, as well as Abruptly, a much better world than suddenly.
And do go over it multiple times. Rowling doesn't get her book published because she reads over her book once.
But don't be discouraged, you actually have a lot of talent for being eleven. I have a scrap of my friends work to show you how good you are, and then mine.
Date 11th May 2009.
Hi my name is Luther Waffles and I am writing the first page of my diary. And to day I am really exited because I am going playing football. And after I am going skateboarding I love skateboarding. We won the league and won the match not to boast but I scored the WINNING GOAL! So now to go and celebrate with my mates are not pro skateboarders but we are so close to fulfilling our dreams.
12th May 2009
I was skateboarding with my friends and I tried to 360 Ollie in to a 50-50 grind and fell into a puddle, and slipped in wards and fell all the way in it. My friends and Alfie tried to pull me up and I still fell in, it was really weird to fall and slip and slide into a puddle. Only Alfie had the courage to jump in too. and tell every one to stop being weenies and come and jump in. It took a while to fall it was about ten minutes to hit the bottom and you will never guess what I saw!!!
Friday 13th May
Today is the day of the competition and Tony Hawk Ryan Shekler and Paul Rodriguez are the judges of the competition. The competition is in two hours!! The contestants were rolling in to the competition, there was at least 150 people there and know it is only ten minutes to the competition and I am in the seventh group and my brother Alfie is in the fourth group so I will skip to the fourth group and my brother got threw with max and Luke!!, so I’M happy for my bro!! Know it was the sixth group so I was next! In my group I got through with two other people
Mike and Joe.
Know it was the final of the skate competition and who ever wins gets a life time of supplies of skate gear! GREAT!! It is the final but there are five people in it so this boy called Mike said we have got five people in the final but they are a part of Luther’s group so they are cheating. So the judges said” Three of you are going to have to drop out of the final “So we all huddled up and we all came to a decision and Alfie and the other to dropped out and it was me against Mike!! Mike was going first he did quiet well I hate to say it but he got a 9.7 so I need to get a solid ten point zero. So of I went but some thing stopped me he had glued me to the bench so I had to do something a bit strange but I had to do it I had to take of my pants and skate, I was obviously embarrassed but I had to do it. And I felt good about my run so all we had to do was wait…..
The speakers came on and he said Luther waffles got 10.0 and that means I have won the competition and every one jumped up in joy but not Mike. Mike was the one who glued me to the bench and now we all got a life supplies of skate gear but we had to go home and we just popped back up out of the puddle and we could not wait to tell our parents!!
And yeah, heres another one ._.
the big battle!!!!
In a normal town in a normal place a heat wave was beginning! In 2020, but this town was not as ordinary as you think; In fact this town was not normal at all hiding In this town a secret wood was hidden but in this wood were two bases and no-one dared to go in that wood. Because In those bases where a group of spies and That base was called Base CLAW!!!!! But on the other hand there was a base with a group of superheroes in a base called Base JUSTICE!!!
“WAHAHA,” Jack shouted with pride the Heroes will never beat my deadly plan and also there stupid pets will not Jack was the evilest and the leader of the spies!
“Those spies are always trying to make things bad and evil just like themselves,” Lora said crossly.
She didn’t enjoy Jack and his evil spies plans. “GRRRRR WOOF”
Charger barked loudly like he could sense something in town something evil and that is
making the town bad and gloomy……
Chapter 2
Charger was Lora’s dog and was very good at sensing things especially trouble and danger. Lets go everyone and save the
World Lora said
“Zzzzzz meow Zzzzzzz meow” Claw snored
“Claw come on you lazy baboon now would be good” Lora screamed.
So the superheroes went to save the world. Meanwhile the spies where up to their old mischief and they have sneaked into the Justice base to steal some weapons and gadgets. But the spies where also putting a bomb in Lora’s bed but it looked like a teddy so they thought she would never notice. The other bad thing about the spies was they love weapons and gadgets so much they lost track of time and the hero’s where coming back!!! So quickly Jack used his hook and he hooked onto the roof and all of the spies grabbed onto it as well.
Chapter 3
Suddenly Lora opened the door with a Bang and went to the secret superhero cupboard and all of the secret weapons where gone!!!
“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Lora screeched and stormed up stairs to her room and smashed the door closed. Then she saw a teddy and she saw it was a bomb, Lora was very smart and she though it out the window. Meanwhile Jack and his crew where stuck on the roof, they came down and they got caught and tied up!!! Lora came down and was very impressed by her teams work.
“ Well done hero’s you have seemed to have caught the enemy like a mouse trap” Lora said proudly but Jack had different idea Shadow Jacks dog had razor sharp teeth and he was going to bite through the rope and they escaped…..
Chapter 4
“You baboons, pickles you let them escape” Lora said crossly I new something bad would happen huh Never mind lets find them!!” Lora said
While Lora was screaming away Jack and Twist his assistant and Charlie where trying on there new clothes for fighting but they where going mad about when they got captured and they where going mad and they where not happy about too.
“GRRRRR I CAN’T BELIVE IT!!!!” They all shouted and Shadow barked because he wasn’t happy neither they where desperately wanting to get the Superhero’s back.
Jack shouting“ Don’t worry Superhero we’ll be back don’t worry WAHAHAHA!!!”
Chapter 5
“HMMMMMMM!” said Jack that trying to think of a plan to destroy the superhero’s and be victorious like Jack always wants to do. But on the other hand the superhero’s were going to drastic measures by doing a experiment to make them stronger and more powerful than ever by doing this experiment they thought they would finish the Spies once and for all!!!
“Huh those spies are always showing off thinking their best at everything but they are wrong this time WAHAHAHAHA!!!” Lora shouted. The power went off everywhere and there was a CRASH and a BANG AND A BIG KABOOM
What happened then Jack said in a confused way so they went to the Superhero’s base. When they got in the door slammed and no-one was there!!!
“WAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You’re not going anywhere today Jack,” shouted a strange voice.
Chapter 6
“Who’s that I’m not scared of you” Jack said bravely!!!
Then the strange figure came closer and closer and then it was LORA
“Huh Lora I always new you where going to be back”!!!
Jack prepared himself he new there was going to be trouble after Lora went to drastic measures and she was very strong by the looks of it. But all of a sudden a strange voice spoke and shouted over and over again.
“WAHAHAHAHAHA IS THIS THE PLACE WHERE THERES A GROUP OF SPIES AND THE LEADERS CALLED JACK!!!!” shouted the voice in a scary way.
“Yep it shore is and who are you?”
The strange figure uncovered himself and he was really rich but who was he……..
Chapter 7
He was in a Gold suit and he was a great leader by the looks of it!!
“Who are you strange stupid weird guy” shouted Jack
“I’m called Tal and I’m not stupid or weird at all and I’m wondering if I could be the leader of you’re team I will make you be victorious
Or at least you’re assistant”
“Well ok if you will make us victorious team meet Tal my assistant in our team so make him proud”
The spies went off back to there base but Lora was not happy at all.
Chapter 8
“Why do those Spies always get the best stuff it should be me getting all the best things not all those Crazy Crew Spies!!!?” Lora was defiantly on to something and she was indeed. Meanwhile back at the Spies base Tal was making him at home and looking at some of there Gadgets and Gizmos, he was very imprested he loved it to bits.
“WOW Jack I’m very impressed with your stuff and your team I’m glad I chose to be on your team but how are we going to destroy the Superhero’s and be victorious like you want to be?” Tal questioned
“Don’t worry I’ve got it sorted HAHAHA!!”
And here's a piece of mine: You don't need to read it, just ave a few looks and get an idea.
“ I can’t believe it has been twenty years since the death of Grandma,” A mid-twenty man with the name of Percy wearing a comfortable blue bobble hat, black scarf, baggy pants and puffy woollen jumper chattered with his twin brother, Caleb. They dressed very similarly, even Einstein was capable of mistaking the mirrored twins.
“Oh the irony of her dying on Halloween, the irony,” Caleb whispered in the frosty air.
The twins past myriad tombstones with strange engraftments, such as “Died from Chain Mail,” and “Eaten Alive,” They we’re suspicious and unusual, as they visit this grave every Halloween.
After walking a whole mile, they finally came to their grandmas grave.
“Hazel Bennet, the kindest, most supportive grandma ever,” Percy shook his hand and laid down a bouquet of flowers, a tear crawling down from his cold cheek.
“OK…. I guess it’s back home… See you grandma…” Caleb turned around.
However, as he turned his body 180 degrees, an eerie, cold chill blew harshly on the twin’s spine.
Percy slowly turned towards the grave, slowly and shaking, he faced the grave… A blue wisp lit up the graveyard. It rose to the moon and split into ten. Then, The main wisp waggled his finger like a composer and they harmonized in an ear-breaking, chilly tune. Then, a huge black shadow strangely stretched over the graveyard.
The grave’s slowly disappeared. Then, Zombies spawned in the space of the graves.
“OK, who ordered the Zombie horde?” Cynical Caleb sarcastically muttered.
“Well, it’s lucky that our geeky sister is just down this path, let’s get there, NOW!”
Safely and unharmed, the Zombie Encounterer boys made it to their nerdy sister.
“Maria!” Caleb shouted.
“Yes yes, is this about the Zombie apocalypse? It comes every 1000 years. According to my calculations, it’s impossible,” The goofy girl babbled.
“Impossible + Us = We’re common denominator,” Caleb smirked.
“OK then, in order to kill the zombies, you need the Un-dead Musical Instruments. Guarded by the living, we knew this day would come. It’s actually hidden under a gravestone. Listen to the tune,” Maria said to the two twins, who, were asleep.
The eerie tune that they heard before rang their ears.
The dynamic duo woke up.
“AH!” They screamed in chorus.
“Great, you’re awake. Listen to the song backwards,” Maria calm fully sighed.
Suddenly, a lovely, sweet tune entered their ears.
“So, we play this song backwards, before sun rises? WITHOUT PRACTICE?” Percy asked the know-it-all.
“Nope, just pluck a string and watch them disappear…. Just kidding, pluck the harp strings to freeze them, and shoot the light at the Red Ruby on the grand tombstone…. Of which is our… grandmothers… and will… kill her…..” Maria sadly announced. “Wow, how do you know ALL of this zombie stuff?” Percy asked.
“Because.... I am the king of Zombies. I’m immune to light, crosses, garlic and water….” A white flash appeared and a zombie came out of the skin.
“Wait a second, zombies aren’t weak to garlic and crosses, and why did you tell us?” Caleb asked their ‘sister’.
“It’s that geeky body. I am freed on the night of the Apocalypse. Now I am free, I cast a spell on the neighbourhood!” The zombie commanded. Suddenly, every child dressed up for Halloween was stuck in their suits, got the power of who they we’re dressed and had the coldest, sinister heart.
“Come, zombies, minions, ALL! Let’s engulf them in the darkest void and drag them to the un-dead…” The Zombie King stomped. A gang of zombies appeared behind the Zombie King.
“Well, let’s run! Stupid zombies didn’t block the door,” Caleb hesitated, and with that, they were outside.
The night was haunting. Stars dimmed out, the Moon was full and colourful, Vampires, Frankensteins, Witches, ghouls and Werewolves roamed the neighbourhood.
“Quick! We need the find the flute and the harp! It will eliminate the zombies!” Percy cried.
“Yes, but where will we find them? Stupid king got out of that geek-” and then silence.
“Caleb?” Percy looked around. All he could see is a leg getting chewed by a werewolf.
“Great! My brother has died and now I can’t get rid of the zombies. It’s only 7PM! I won’t survive until dawn,” Percy muttered, running away.
Percy noticed some patches of the ground was pitch black, bordered with a purple, ghastly outline. The moon was full, and as white as a fluffy cloud. Meanwhile, other parts of the ground was light enough to be visible.
Out of curiosity, Percy put his leg down the suspicious shadow, which seemed to tug. He hesitated, trying to pull his leg up. It was a hard fight, but finally, Percy pulled his leg up, only to notice that his flesh and clothes burnt off, leaving him with a skeleton leg.
“What on earth?” Percy thought. “Yes, little on, on Earth, but now you reach the skies, become the vampire!” A vampire flying behind him bit him on the neck.
Abruptly, he could feel the fresh air on his pale cheeks, he was as white as a ghost and he was flying! Percy, had became one of the evil men.
However, a strange garlic child threw himself into Percy. Percy fell to the ground, and the garlic man vanished in thin air.
“I like you, lad. Survivalist, did you go to Scouts when you were younger?” Asked a familiar voice. It was the Zombie King!
Percy was silent. No response. He got up on his feet, and started to run away.
“GET HIM YOU IDIOTS! Ugh, why was I nominated for Zombie King. Why not Fire King? I don’t know…. Aha! I saw a few children pretending to me Lava girls and molten boys. They can sizzle his bones and burn his flesh…” The king deviously thought, and called upon the fiery children.
“Chase that man in the torn clothes!” Demanded the zombie king. The five fiery men stood in a fire portal, and warped to Percy.
“Take this!” The five combine their powers for the ultimate fire ball and launched it at Percy.
Percy was lucky, and somehow survived the molten ball.
“Ugh! He can survive garlic as a vampire, he can live without flesh on a leg, and survive five fiery kids? I guess witches and wizards need to zap him and boil him in a cauldron and feed him to the werewolf king. That’s it, I’ll throw in my zombies too. But his perseverance… It’s something we need… He could be the head of the Dark Temple,” The zombie king evilly thought.
Percy ran for his life. He knew he had to avenge his devoured brother. He hid behind a wall and tried to regain vitality. Suddenly, he felt something tugging on his feet. All of a sudden, he was dragged into the wall.
The room was dark, full of shadows and he felt something warm. He was in a boiling cauldron! Full of green, bubbling acid. Somehow, he wasn’t affected. It burnt, but not his flesh.
“You worthless hag! Take this and that, have some ice too, idiotic boy in rags” Two witches snorted, throwing lightning, ice and fire at Percy.
“Stop,” Said the same voice as before... It was the Zombie King!
“He may be worthless. But look at him. It’s Halloween, covered in boils, clumped ice, lost the flesh of a leg, been zapped went from nice clothes to nice rags. He is enough to be our new king,” The king of the un-dead came to him in a royal robe.
“You do want to be the king of the un-dead, don’t you?”
Percy looked up at him.
“No,” He responded, falling to the ground.
“I gave you a chance. Do you want to be ate by the Werewolves? Cooked? Zombified? There’s no escape, you can’t stop us. The void to the Dark temple has been opened, closed and the world has met it’s doom,” The zombie king added on.
“It’s too much, do whatever, it’s….” Percy was unable to finish.
His clothes ripped, leaving him with a loincloth like pants. Tuffs of red hair grew on his body. His nails and toenails grew long and red. His nose became pig-like. Horns grew from his head and he grew a cyan beard. All of his charred skin, Skeleton leg and clumps stayed.
“Yes, Embrace it! The power of Halloween, join us, you can be the king. We can worship you! You can get the sacred wand! Get servants, feed prisoners to the werewolves, sizzle servants! Build an empire! You can get eternal life! This entire, endless, dark world can be yours! Look at you, one swipe on anyone and you will kill them! You can war the Light World! Get handcraft shields! Axes! Bows! Everything can be yours. Just say yes,” The zombie king smiled.
“ONE CONDITION! We fight the light world. If I lose, I’m sealed in eternal darkness. If I win, I’m king for life…”
“It’s settled,” The Zombie King crossed his arms.
A week later, Piggy Percy the Great was well equipped, with a sinister bow, dark axe, one golden sword, A magical wishing wand, black, shock, water, fire proof invincible armour and a reflective invincible shield.
“ARE WE READY? Zombies, Witches, Ghouls, Fire Men, you get it. We’ll leave now. Anyone left will burn and be trapped in the dark doors of eternity.
“Let’s go! Here’s the portal!” The Zombie King pointed, jumping through it.
The light realm was enough to kill the whole horde of un-dead. As long as the Crown is safe, the group will be safe.
“BOIL, FREEZE, KILL THEM WITH THE DARK BOW! DO WHATEVER, KILL THEM ALL!” Percy shouted, going head first into battle with the light temple.
“Great idea… idiot,” The vampire kind muttered, only to be hit by a garlic arrow.
“No! The king of Vampires is dead, the vampires are dead now, No!” Cried the Lava King screamed. Funny enough, water splashed on the king, killing the lava horde.
“Isn’t that dandy?” The zombie king grunted. Too make situations worse, the zombie king was penetrated with a light bow.
The cycle went on and on and on until the remaining dark temple soldier remained. Percy Pig.
‘Wow, I was king of the weak, I feel so angry that I believed in them. This crown is rubbish, I’m king of nothing,” Percy muttered. Suddenly, an arrow pierced into his heart, courtesy of the light bow.
Out of the light mist, a hero in a toga and gold crown floated towards the feral dark remain. His face was familiar, it was… it couldn’t be, it was Caleb!
“I never knew you had a dark side… I have no other choose but to kill you…” Caleb came closer, closer and closer and stabbed a white, glowing sword into Percy’s head.
“Idiot!” Percy fell, screaming and squashed Caleb. He squahashed Caleb and returned to his human form.
“Ouch…. I can’t believe I squashed my brother… anyway, I better revive the evil squad. But my evil power is useless….” Percy sighed.
Despite ‘all’ of the evil monsters being destroyed, one evil warlock child forgot to line up for the war. He ran towards the Human Percy and exclaimed,
“Sorry, sorry, thought it was… dress rehearsal? Erm, should I…?”
“WHAT THE HECK? Why didn’t you line up for the war? Why aren’t you using your darkness to revive the soldiers? A billion years locked in the prison! We have a war to win! Resurrect them and NO punishement! GO!” Demanded the king of darkness.
“Well, erm, OK… I guess so… I’ll start with the kings,” He shook, in tears.
“Yeah, you do that,” Puffed Percy.
After tears and whipping, the warlock sacrificed his dark magic to revive every injured soldier. Only enough for a chunk for a few, the kings used there magic to heal themselves.
“Yahoo! Percy back on top, now to transform back!” Percy celebrated, and morphed into his swine form.
“And, we killed the King, so…. We win the war!” The Zombie king cheered.
“Our reign is eternal, we shall never lose again, the light temple will return, but we shall win again. Next time, we shall be experienced, have more members and much more weapons. And that’s just the beginning….” Percy wickedly thought, giving a satisfied smile.
“And that’s just the beginning,”
She's my favorite character out of the bunch. Well, I have read this part, Josie, I can't wait for the other parts of this chapter to be posted, I really want to find out what happens with Chase and Mizu. You performed admirably for someone as young as you, Josie, I see the effort you put in by writing it. Continue as you are, all is well. I love this story! I really do.
I am going to create a novel tommorow, completely un related to Zelda, but so many Mother references *-*