Zelda Art The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time (-_-)
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onebizarrekai
gay energy
I've decided to start leaving out the text changes of bold and italic when I post this, they're just a pain 
Unless it's a flashback or something, it'll all be default text.
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The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 6: The Grand Master At Picking Locks
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link stole the Hookshot, Navi was naggy, Saria predicted Ingo’s actions and the three got Epona.
Now for Chapter Six.
“Oh no! Ganondorf has taken over the Kokiri Forest too!” Link exclaimed once they entered the forest. “Monsters are everywhere!”
“Not for long!” Saria said, drawing her sword and cutting a giant Deku Baba. It grew back immediantly. “Well crap.”
“I guess they’ll go away once we beat the Forest Temple,” Navi suggested.
“To the Forest Temple!”
-
-
“Halt! Stop right there!” Mido yelled, blocking their way to one of the paths in the Lost Woods. “Have you some kind of business at the Forest Temple?”
“Yes,” Saria replied.
“Well I can’t let you pass! I promised Saria that I would never…*let…” Mido glanced at Saria. “Oh.”
“What the heck are you talking about? You didn’t promise Saria anything, she’s been gone this whole time,” Link stated.
“LINK!” Saria shouted.
“Oh yeah. So you can’t pass!” Mido said. Saria hissed at him and before he knew it he was pinned to the ground with a sword at his neck. “Okay okay okay! You can go through!”
Saria sheathed her sword, “Honestly, Mido. Why do you do such stupid things?”
-
-
“I think the Forest Temple was right around…” Saria started as they entered the Sacred Forest Meadow. “Here, at the end of the meadow.”
“You’ve been there before?” Navi asked.
“No, but I’ve been here before. Where else is it going to be besides the end of the Lost Woods?”
“In a mysterious hole with mountains of pie and cream puffs surrounding it?” Link said.
“… No…”
“Look! A giant pig!” Link pointed to one of the Moblins in the narrow paths. “Maybe he has pie.”
“Wait, Link--!” Navi started.
Link walked up to the Moblin, “Hello there! Do you have any pie?”
“As a matter of fact, I do!” the Moblin replied, holding up an apple pie. “I’m not going to be eating it becasue I’m supposed to be guarding the temple, so you can have it if you want!”
“Wow! Thanks!” Link took the pie from the Moblin. “I’m off to the temple now. Do you mind lifting me up there so I can easily avoid the rest of the monsters?”
“Sure thing!” The Moblin put Link onto the ledge where none of the Moblins could see him.
“Thanks!”
“Wait a second… Oh crap, Ganondorf is going to fire me.”
-
-
Right when they entered the meadow, Sheik dropped from the sky.
“Ah! Raining ninjas!” Link screamed.
“The flow of time is always cruel,” Sheik said.”Its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it. A thing that doesn’t change with time is a memory of younger days…*In order to come back here again, play the Minuet of Forest.” Sheik took out his harp.
“What does that have to do with the memory of younger days?” Saria asked.
“I have no idea. I was given a script. Now play the Minuet of Forest already.” Sheik played the Minuet of Forest on the harp and Saria played it on her ocarina.
“So this song basically lets us warp whenever we want?”
“Yes.”
“What’s the point of that? If we’re already here, that’s useless.”
“What if you’re doing a side quest?”
“Meh.”
“Saria, you’re here all the time,” Navi said. “You used to sneak out here and play your ocarina for hours.”
“I SAID MEH!”
Navi sighed.
-
-
“It’s the Forest Temple,” Navi said. “Who knows what we might face.”
“HOLY CRAP! What is that?” Saria yelled and pointed to a bunch of Poes taking fire from torches near an elevator. They all went their seperate ways. “What just happened?”
“FOLLOW THEM GHOSTIES!” Link yelled.
“But we don’t know where the heck they went.”
“WHATEVER!”
-
-
After many puzzles later, they finally made it to the mini boss room. A Stalfos dropped from the ceiling.
“AH! LIVING DEAD!” Link screamed.
“…*Where did it just come from…?” Navi wondered, looking at the ceiling. There was absolutely nothing up there except for the ceiling itself.
“Oh crap!” the Stalfos yelled. “They’re finding us out!”
Suddenly the Stalfos disappeared and a chest appeared in the middle of the room. Unfortuently, there was a hole in the middle of the room and it fell down.
“Oh snap,” Navi muttered.
“NOO!! MY TREASURE CHEST!!” Link cried. He jumped down the hole.
“… Did Link just commit suicide for a chest?” Saria asked. No, he didn't. He simply dived down a hole, smart one.
Link got a Fairy Bow!
“Wow!” Link’s voice echoed. “There’s a basement and I see a boss door! But it’s locked!”
“Well crap.” Saria paused. “Well maybe if we just picked the lock a bit…”
A few minutes later, Saria and Navi were both in the basement as well with a giant lock lying on the floor.
“I'm the grand master at picking locks,” Saria laughed.
“What!!” Navi yelled. “If you’re a master at picking locks, why couldn’t we have just picked all the other locks we’ve found instead of us wasting time finding keys?!”
“Too lazy to.”
Navi sighed.
The door opened and the three entered the room. They walked up a staircase and into an area with a bunch of paintings surrounding it. 2-D spikes shot up behind them.
“Oh crap,” Saria muttered. “That can’t be good.”
“Muahahaha, I am evil!” Ganondorf said, appearing out of no where.
“Ganondorf? Aren’t you supposed to be the final boss?”
“Actually…” Ganondorf took off a mask to reveal a skull on fire. “I’m his phantom. The more pathetic version.”
“OH NOEZ!!” Link screamed. “DIE DIE DIE!!” He constantly threw bombs at Phantom Ganondorf until he was defeated.
“Good Din!” Ganondorf’s voice muttered. “That was way too easy! That phantom was a worthless creation! I will banish it in the gap between dimensions!”
“Is that even allowed?” Navi asked.
“I don’t know, but it’s possible because I’m evil! Muahahahahaha!”
Phantom Ganondorf’s burning body was thrown into a black hole. Then a Heart Container appeared in the middle of the room.
Link got a Heart Container!
“Yay!” Link cheered. Then he skipped into the blue light and appeared in the Chamber of Sages.
“YOU’RE THE SAGE?” Link and Navi gasped, looking at Saria in front of them, on the Forest Sage platform.
“Yes, turns out I’m the Sage of the Forest…” Saria stated.
“You’re supposed to give them a medallion,” Rauru said.
“What’s the point? I already travel with them so giving them a medallion is utterly useless. I can just hold onto it.”
“You have to give them a medallion. It doesn’t exist until you give it to them.”
“Oh, whatever.”
Link got the Forest Medallion!
“Oh yay!” Link cheered. “And it smells refreshingly like mint!”
“Really, Link? Really?” Navi said.
Then they were teleported back to the Kokiri Forest in the Great Deku Tree’s meadow.
“Oh… Great Deku Tree…” Link began to cry when he saw the dead and grey Deku Tree.
“Wait a second…” Navi started. “If he died with his mouth open and it stayed open…*How is it closed again?”
“They probably just don’t want you to go back into the first dungeon in the future,” Saria said.
Link sobbed as he walked closer to the dead Deku Tree. Then, suddenly, a plant popped up in front of him, knocking him back.
“Hi there!” the plant greeted. “I’m the Deku Tree sprout!”
“The Great Deku Tree has a child?” Navi asked.
“Because you and Saria broke the curse on the Forest Temple, I can grow and flourish! Thanks a lot! Have you seen your old friends? None of them recognized you with your grown up body, did they?”
“I didn’t ever talk to any of them,” Link said, but the sprout ignored him.
“That’s because Kokiri never grow up! Even after seven years, they’re still kids!”
“Like Never Land children!”
“You must be wondering why only you have grown up! Well, as you might have already guessed, you are not a Kokiri! You are actually a Hylian! I am happy to finally reveal this secret to you!”
“WUT?”
“What do you mean, finally?” Saria asked.
“I inherit all the Great Deku Tree’s knowledge,” the Deku Tree sprout told her.
“Then can you tell me where the Great Deku Tree hid my burrito that one day long ago?”
“He threw it into a dimensional portal where it hit Doctor Doofenshmirtz in the head.”
“Our dimension is connected to the Phineas and Ferb dimension?”
“I don’t know…”
“YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY INHERIT THE INFORMATION! YOU JUST STOLE THE DEKU TREE’S JOURNAL THAT HE APPARENTLY HAD!”
“Whatever! Anyway, some time ago, before the King of Hyrule unified this country, there was a fierce war in our world. One day, to escape from the fires of the war, a Hylian mother and her baby boy entered this forbidden forest. The mother was gravely injured… Her only choice was to entrust the child to the Deku Tree, the guardian spirit of the forest. The Deku Tree could sense that this was a child of destiny, whose fate would affect the entire world, so he took in into the forest. After the mother passed away, the baby was raised as a Kokiri. And now, finally, the day of destiny has come!”
“I’m sorry, what?” Link asked, playing cards with Navi and Saria.
“Oh, for the love of… Just go and save Hyrule from Ganondorf.”
“Okee dokee!”
And they set off to the exit of the forest.
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Two chapters since I'm bored.
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The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 7: Bang Bang Maxwell’s Silver Hammer
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was dumb, Navi was boring, Saria revealed her secret powers of picking locks and Ganondorf stated his evilosity.
Now for Chapter Seven.
“WEEE!! WE’RE RIDING A HORSE!! YAYZ!” Link cheered as Epona galloped across the field to Kakariko Village. “WE’RE GOING TO KAKAKAKAKOKOKOKO VILLAGE!!”
“It’s freakin’ Kakariko for the last time!” Navi yelled.
“I think that maybe we should do some side quests before we go to the Fire Temple,” Saria said.
“NO SIDE QUESTS!” Link shouted.
“I’m serious, Link! What if they really help us?”
“Meh meh meh!”
-
-
The minute they entered Kakariko Village, Saria and Navi found Link talking to Anju.
“I’ve bred a new type of Cucco!” Anju said. “I call it the Pocket Cucco because it’s really small. You seem like a good Cucco raiser, why don’t you take one and tell me later how its doing? I’ll give you a prize that will lead you into a very long side quest!”
“Really?” Link asked. “Of course I’ll do it!”
Navi and Saria sighed.
Link borrowed the Pocket Egg!
“Come and tell me when it hatches!” Anju told him.
-
-
“Where did all these rocks come from?” Link wondered as they started up the trail to Death Mountain. A rolling boulder crushed him. “AUGH! IT’S SO AGONIZING!”
-
-
“Oh my Din! Where are all the Gorons?” Link gasped.
“Look, there’s one right there,” Saria said and pointed to one rapidly rolling around the 3rd floor.
“Hey! Stop!” Link jumped in the way of the Goron. It turned around.
“We’re going to have to go the rough way…” Saria pulled out the bomb bag.
After many failures in trying to stop the Goron with a bomb, they finally caught him and made him stop.
“How could you do this to me?” the Goron asked, still rolled up. “You, you’re Ganondorf’s servant! Hear my name and tremble! I am Link! Hero of the Gorons!”
“You dare steal my name?” Link said to the Goron.
“What? Your name is also Link?” Link the Goron unrolled. “Then you must be the legendary Dodongo Buster and Hero, Link! My dad is Darunia… Do you remember him? Dad named me Link after you, because you’re so brave!”
“LIAR!” Saria yelled. “How could he possibly say that?”
“What?”
“I’m the one who destroyed the Dodongos! Link did absolutely nothing!”
“But…*but… He’s never done anything?”
“He did kill Phantom Ganondorf all by himself,” Navi said.
“But he’s not a Dodongo Buster, is he.”
“Don’t worry, kiddo. At least it’s not a dumb name like Hippy.”
“Why would my dad name me that?”
“It’s part of the game. Darunia automatically names you whatever Link’s name was no matter how dumb it is.”
“Wow.”
“So where are all the Gorons?”
“They all got kidnapped and locked up in the Fire Temple while my dad out shopping for pie.”
“I thought you only ate rocks,” Saria stated.
“He wanted to try something different for a change. Anyway, all the Gorons are going to be fed to the evil dragon Volvagia if we don’t save them! My dad tried to go and save them, but he hasn’t come back yet. I’m really worried about him! I’ll give you these heat resistant clothes so you can help!”
Link and Saria got Goron Tunics!
“Weird, you designed them in our exact clothes,” Saria spoke.
“We did that on purpose just in case.”
Link stood there for a moment, “… How the heck did you predict what my size was going to be when I was seventeen?”
“I didn’t make them, okay? Now get a move on to the Fire Temple. It’s in Death Mountain Crater. There’s a secret passage from my dad’s room behind a giant statue.”
“The one he always stands in front of?” Navi asked.
“Yeah. Now please, just hurry up. I don’t want our race to become extinct.”
“Okay!” Link said, skipping to Darunia’s room, unfortunetly forgetting about the stairs and crashing down onto the 2nd floor.
Once they entered into the Death Mountain Crater and made it past a broken bridge using the Hookshot(which took absolutely forever because Link has horrible aim), Sheik dropped down from the sky.
“Where did you just come from?” Saria asked. “You just fell in front of us but there’s no ceiling. Same thing for back at the Sacred Forest Meadow.”
“I have my ways,” Sheik replied.
“Hey! I just realized I’m kind of hungry.” Saria took out some marshmallows. Because of how hot it was in there, they all roasted very quickly over the lava.
“How can you ever be hungry again after eating Jabu Jabu?” Navi asked.
“Meh.”
“Anyway…” Sheik started. “It is something that grows over time…*a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger over time… The passion of friendship will know which way to go…*This song is dedicated to the power of the heart… Listen to the Bolero of Fire.” Sheik pulled out his harp and played a tune.
Seconds passed.
“What? Play the dumb song on your ocarina already!”
“You told us to listen to the song, not play it,” Saria said.
“PLAY THE SONG!”
“Okay okay!” Saria took out her ocarina and played the song.
“This song will warp you back here. I’ll see you again, unfortunetly…” Sheik tossed a Deku Nut and vanished.
“I don’t think he likes us…” Link stated.
“Oh well, let’s go and beat the Fire Temple,” Navi spoke.
-
-
“OH MY CRAP!” Darunia screamed once Link, Saria and Navi entered the room in the Fire Temple. “I haven’t seen you guys for seven years! Where the heck have you been?”
“Sealed in the Sacred Realm,” Saria replied.
“Anyway, no time to talk now. My people are in danger of being eaten! I have to go slay the dragon. I don’t have the hammer, but I guess I’ll try and get through…”
“Wait! Can’t we go kill the dragon instead? At least we’re armed.”
“I’m the leader of the Gorons! I have to be the one to kill the dragon. Now go free all the Gorons while I try to kill the dragon.”
Darunia went into the locked boss door and locked it behind him.
“What the crap…” Saria muttered.
“Well, looks like we have to go save all the Gorons,” Navi said.
“What’s the point of that? Can’t we just break into the boss room like we did the last temple?” Link asked.
“No, we need the weapon we find in this temple.”
“The hammer?”
“Probably.”
-
-
After many long and boring puzzles, they finally got to the treasure chest with the item in it.
Link lifted the lid of the chest.
Link got Maxwell’s Silver Hammer!
“Cool,” Saria said.
-
-
Once they got back down into the room where they met Darunia, Saria started picking the lock to the boss door with the Kokiri Sword.
“Dude, it’s so unfair how Darunia went right through the door like it was a normal, unlocked door,” Navi said.
“He needed to get in somehow,” Saria replied.
There was a click and the lock fell on top of Link.
“…*Ow,” Link mumbled.
After five minutes of trying to get the lock off of Link, they finally managed to and entered the boss room.
“I don’t see Darunia anywhere,” Navi stated.
“Maybe he fell in the lava and was burnt to crisp,” Link suggested.
“Oh come on, Link. Everybody knows that Gorons can walk on lava,” Saria told him.
“I didn’t!” Navi yelled.
“Well, whatever. Now you know.”
Once they jumped over a platform and onto the big one with many lava holes on it, the one behind them sank.
“Well crap. Looks like we won’t be going back.”
All of a sudden, Volvagia popped out of one of the lava holes.
“How deep are those things?” Link asked. From experiances in the temple, he knew that they could walk on lava for a few seconds with that tunic on. He put his foot in it. It sank about half an inch. Then he pulled it out again.
“Duuuuuuuuuuude…” Saria said. “How the crap is Volvagia fitting into those things?”
“Muahahahaha!” Volvagia laughed, its head sticking out of one of the holes. “I am evil!”
“We know. Now go kill him, Link.”
Link pulled out Maxwell’s Silver Hammer and hid it behind his back, “Hey dragon thing, I have a present for you…”
“Really? Where is it?” Volvagia asked as Link walked closer towards him.
“Just close your eyes and don’t move and I’ll give it to you!”
“Oh boy!” Volvagia covered his eyes. Link smashed it in the head with the hammer over and over. “AUGH!!”
“You’ve been pwned!” Link hit it one more time and it flew in the air, burnt to crisp and its bones fell to the ground.
“Wow,” Saria exclaimed. “I didn’t expect that kind of death from a hammer.”
Link got a Heart Container!
“You did it, Link!” Navi said. “Now let’s go to the Chamber of Sages so that we can get out of this dumb temple!” Navi shoved him into the blue light where they appeared back in the Chamber of Sages with Darunia in front of him.
“Just as I thought,” Saria stated. “I knew Darunia would be the Sage of Fire. Who else would it be anyway?”
“Biggoron?” Darunia suggested.
“You’re the sage! You’re not supposed to suggest things.”
“Hey, I just remembered something!” Link exclaimed.
“Remembered what?”
“Remember back in that scene cut when I disappeared and when I knew what we were supposed to do without me listening?”
Flashback!
“Hey, where’s Link?” Saria wondered once they entered the Goron City.
Somehow, Link had gotten behind some rocks near them. He put on a secret agent hat over his own hat and ran into a nearby room.
“LIIIINK!” a background voice said.
Link sat down in a chair.
“Agent Link, Doctor Ganondorf is up to his old tricks again,” a giant Goron spoke. “He’s blocked up the food storage of the Gorons and filled it with Dodongos so now we’re starving to death. Go destroy that boulder and kill the Dodongos and the leader will surely reward you. Good luck, Agent Link!”
And with that, Link ran back out of the room, took off the hat and walked back up to Saria and Navi.
“Oh there you are, Link,” Saria said.
Link made a platypus noise.
End of Flashback!
“A giant Goron told you what to do and you remembered?” Saria asked disbelievingly.
“You aren’t actually a secret agent, are you?” Navi questioned.
“The secret agent part was just to be funny.”
“ANYWAY…” Darunia started. “Accept this medallion.”
Link got the Fire Medallion!
“Wow! It feels warm!” Link exclaimed in a Pikachu-like voice.
And Link, Navi and Saria were warped out of the Chamber of Sages. They appeared back in Death Mountain Crater.
“So I guess we’re going to the Water Temple now,” Navi stated.
Thunder boomed in the background.
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Unless it's a flashback or something, it'll all be default text.
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The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 6: The Grand Master At Picking Locks
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link stole the Hookshot, Navi was naggy, Saria predicted Ingo’s actions and the three got Epona.
Now for Chapter Six.
“Oh no! Ganondorf has taken over the Kokiri Forest too!” Link exclaimed once they entered the forest. “Monsters are everywhere!”
“Not for long!” Saria said, drawing her sword and cutting a giant Deku Baba. It grew back immediantly. “Well crap.”
“I guess they’ll go away once we beat the Forest Temple,” Navi suggested.
“To the Forest Temple!”
-
-
“Halt! Stop right there!” Mido yelled, blocking their way to one of the paths in the Lost Woods. “Have you some kind of business at the Forest Temple?”
“Yes,” Saria replied.
“Well I can’t let you pass! I promised Saria that I would never…*let…” Mido glanced at Saria. “Oh.”
“What the heck are you talking about? You didn’t promise Saria anything, she’s been gone this whole time,” Link stated.
“LINK!” Saria shouted.
“Oh yeah. So you can’t pass!” Mido said. Saria hissed at him and before he knew it he was pinned to the ground with a sword at his neck. “Okay okay okay! You can go through!”
Saria sheathed her sword, “Honestly, Mido. Why do you do such stupid things?”
-
-
“I think the Forest Temple was right around…” Saria started as they entered the Sacred Forest Meadow. “Here, at the end of the meadow.”
“You’ve been there before?” Navi asked.
“No, but I’ve been here before. Where else is it going to be besides the end of the Lost Woods?”
“In a mysterious hole with mountains of pie and cream puffs surrounding it?” Link said.
“… No…”
“Look! A giant pig!” Link pointed to one of the Moblins in the narrow paths. “Maybe he has pie.”
“Wait, Link--!” Navi started.
Link walked up to the Moblin, “Hello there! Do you have any pie?”
“As a matter of fact, I do!” the Moblin replied, holding up an apple pie. “I’m not going to be eating it becasue I’m supposed to be guarding the temple, so you can have it if you want!”
“Wow! Thanks!” Link took the pie from the Moblin. “I’m off to the temple now. Do you mind lifting me up there so I can easily avoid the rest of the monsters?”
“Sure thing!” The Moblin put Link onto the ledge where none of the Moblins could see him.
“Thanks!”
“Wait a second… Oh crap, Ganondorf is going to fire me.”
-
-
Right when they entered the meadow, Sheik dropped from the sky.
“Ah! Raining ninjas!” Link screamed.
“The flow of time is always cruel,” Sheik said.”Its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it. A thing that doesn’t change with time is a memory of younger days…*In order to come back here again, play the Minuet of Forest.” Sheik took out his harp.
“What does that have to do with the memory of younger days?” Saria asked.
“I have no idea. I was given a script. Now play the Minuet of Forest already.” Sheik played the Minuet of Forest on the harp and Saria played it on her ocarina.
“So this song basically lets us warp whenever we want?”
“Yes.”
“What’s the point of that? If we’re already here, that’s useless.”
“What if you’re doing a side quest?”
“Meh.”
“Saria, you’re here all the time,” Navi said. “You used to sneak out here and play your ocarina for hours.”
“I SAID MEH!”
Navi sighed.
-
-
“It’s the Forest Temple,” Navi said. “Who knows what we might face.”
“HOLY CRAP! What is that?” Saria yelled and pointed to a bunch of Poes taking fire from torches near an elevator. They all went their seperate ways. “What just happened?”
“FOLLOW THEM GHOSTIES!” Link yelled.
“But we don’t know where the heck they went.”
“WHATEVER!”
-
-
After many puzzles later, they finally made it to the mini boss room. A Stalfos dropped from the ceiling.
“AH! LIVING DEAD!” Link screamed.
“…*Where did it just come from…?” Navi wondered, looking at the ceiling. There was absolutely nothing up there except for the ceiling itself.
“Oh crap!” the Stalfos yelled. “They’re finding us out!”
Suddenly the Stalfos disappeared and a chest appeared in the middle of the room. Unfortuently, there was a hole in the middle of the room and it fell down.
“Oh snap,” Navi muttered.
“NOO!! MY TREASURE CHEST!!” Link cried. He jumped down the hole.
“… Did Link just commit suicide for a chest?” Saria asked. No, he didn't. He simply dived down a hole, smart one.
Link got a Fairy Bow!
“Wow!” Link’s voice echoed. “There’s a basement and I see a boss door! But it’s locked!”
“Well crap.” Saria paused. “Well maybe if we just picked the lock a bit…”
A few minutes later, Saria and Navi were both in the basement as well with a giant lock lying on the floor.
“I'm the grand master at picking locks,” Saria laughed.
“What!!” Navi yelled. “If you’re a master at picking locks, why couldn’t we have just picked all the other locks we’ve found instead of us wasting time finding keys?!”
“Too lazy to.”
Navi sighed.
The door opened and the three entered the room. They walked up a staircase and into an area with a bunch of paintings surrounding it. 2-D spikes shot up behind them.
“Oh crap,” Saria muttered. “That can’t be good.”
“Muahahaha, I am evil!” Ganondorf said, appearing out of no where.
“Ganondorf? Aren’t you supposed to be the final boss?”
“Actually…” Ganondorf took off a mask to reveal a skull on fire. “I’m his phantom. The more pathetic version.”
“OH NOEZ!!” Link screamed. “DIE DIE DIE!!” He constantly threw bombs at Phantom Ganondorf until he was defeated.
“Good Din!” Ganondorf’s voice muttered. “That was way too easy! That phantom was a worthless creation! I will banish it in the gap between dimensions!”
“Is that even allowed?” Navi asked.
“I don’t know, but it’s possible because I’m evil! Muahahahahaha!”
Phantom Ganondorf’s burning body was thrown into a black hole. Then a Heart Container appeared in the middle of the room.
Link got a Heart Container!
“Yay!” Link cheered. Then he skipped into the blue light and appeared in the Chamber of Sages.
“YOU’RE THE SAGE?” Link and Navi gasped, looking at Saria in front of them, on the Forest Sage platform.
“Yes, turns out I’m the Sage of the Forest…” Saria stated.
“You’re supposed to give them a medallion,” Rauru said.
“What’s the point? I already travel with them so giving them a medallion is utterly useless. I can just hold onto it.”
“You have to give them a medallion. It doesn’t exist until you give it to them.”
“Oh, whatever.”
Link got the Forest Medallion!
“Oh yay!” Link cheered. “And it smells refreshingly like mint!”
“Really, Link? Really?” Navi said.
Then they were teleported back to the Kokiri Forest in the Great Deku Tree’s meadow.
“Oh… Great Deku Tree…” Link began to cry when he saw the dead and grey Deku Tree.
“Wait a second…” Navi started. “If he died with his mouth open and it stayed open…*How is it closed again?”
“They probably just don’t want you to go back into the first dungeon in the future,” Saria said.
Link sobbed as he walked closer to the dead Deku Tree. Then, suddenly, a plant popped up in front of him, knocking him back.
“Hi there!” the plant greeted. “I’m the Deku Tree sprout!”
“The Great Deku Tree has a child?” Navi asked.
“Because you and Saria broke the curse on the Forest Temple, I can grow and flourish! Thanks a lot! Have you seen your old friends? None of them recognized you with your grown up body, did they?”
“I didn’t ever talk to any of them,” Link said, but the sprout ignored him.
“That’s because Kokiri never grow up! Even after seven years, they’re still kids!”
“Like Never Land children!”
“You must be wondering why only you have grown up! Well, as you might have already guessed, you are not a Kokiri! You are actually a Hylian! I am happy to finally reveal this secret to you!”
“WUT?”
“What do you mean, finally?” Saria asked.
“I inherit all the Great Deku Tree’s knowledge,” the Deku Tree sprout told her.
“Then can you tell me where the Great Deku Tree hid my burrito that one day long ago?”
“He threw it into a dimensional portal where it hit Doctor Doofenshmirtz in the head.”
“Our dimension is connected to the Phineas and Ferb dimension?”
“I don’t know…”
“YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY INHERIT THE INFORMATION! YOU JUST STOLE THE DEKU TREE’S JOURNAL THAT HE APPARENTLY HAD!”
“Whatever! Anyway, some time ago, before the King of Hyrule unified this country, there was a fierce war in our world. One day, to escape from the fires of the war, a Hylian mother and her baby boy entered this forbidden forest. The mother was gravely injured… Her only choice was to entrust the child to the Deku Tree, the guardian spirit of the forest. The Deku Tree could sense that this was a child of destiny, whose fate would affect the entire world, so he took in into the forest. After the mother passed away, the baby was raised as a Kokiri. And now, finally, the day of destiny has come!”
“I’m sorry, what?” Link asked, playing cards with Navi and Saria.
“Oh, for the love of… Just go and save Hyrule from Ganondorf.”
“Okee dokee!”
And they set off to the exit of the forest.
---
Two chapters since I'm bored.
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The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 7: Bang Bang Maxwell’s Silver Hammer
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was dumb, Navi was boring, Saria revealed her secret powers of picking locks and Ganondorf stated his evilosity.
Now for Chapter Seven.
“WEEE!! WE’RE RIDING A HORSE!! YAYZ!” Link cheered as Epona galloped across the field to Kakariko Village. “WE’RE GOING TO KAKAKAKAKOKOKOKO VILLAGE!!”
“It’s freakin’ Kakariko for the last time!” Navi yelled.
“I think that maybe we should do some side quests before we go to the Fire Temple,” Saria said.
“NO SIDE QUESTS!” Link shouted.
“I’m serious, Link! What if they really help us?”
“Meh meh meh!”
-
-
The minute they entered Kakariko Village, Saria and Navi found Link talking to Anju.
“I’ve bred a new type of Cucco!” Anju said. “I call it the Pocket Cucco because it’s really small. You seem like a good Cucco raiser, why don’t you take one and tell me later how its doing? I’ll give you a prize that will lead you into a very long side quest!”
“Really?” Link asked. “Of course I’ll do it!”
Navi and Saria sighed.
Link borrowed the Pocket Egg!
“Come and tell me when it hatches!” Anju told him.
-
-
“Where did all these rocks come from?” Link wondered as they started up the trail to Death Mountain. A rolling boulder crushed him. “AUGH! IT’S SO AGONIZING!”
-
-
“Oh my Din! Where are all the Gorons?” Link gasped.
“Look, there’s one right there,” Saria said and pointed to one rapidly rolling around the 3rd floor.
“Hey! Stop!” Link jumped in the way of the Goron. It turned around.
“We’re going to have to go the rough way…” Saria pulled out the bomb bag.
After many failures in trying to stop the Goron with a bomb, they finally caught him and made him stop.
“How could you do this to me?” the Goron asked, still rolled up. “You, you’re Ganondorf’s servant! Hear my name and tremble! I am Link! Hero of the Gorons!”
“You dare steal my name?” Link said to the Goron.
“What? Your name is also Link?” Link the Goron unrolled. “Then you must be the legendary Dodongo Buster and Hero, Link! My dad is Darunia… Do you remember him? Dad named me Link after you, because you’re so brave!”
“LIAR!” Saria yelled. “How could he possibly say that?”
“What?”
“I’m the one who destroyed the Dodongos! Link did absolutely nothing!”
“But…*but… He’s never done anything?”
“He did kill Phantom Ganondorf all by himself,” Navi said.
“But he’s not a Dodongo Buster, is he.”
“Don’t worry, kiddo. At least it’s not a dumb name like Hippy.”
“Why would my dad name me that?”
“It’s part of the game. Darunia automatically names you whatever Link’s name was no matter how dumb it is.”
“Wow.”
“So where are all the Gorons?”
“They all got kidnapped and locked up in the Fire Temple while my dad out shopping for pie.”
“I thought you only ate rocks,” Saria stated.
“He wanted to try something different for a change. Anyway, all the Gorons are going to be fed to the evil dragon Volvagia if we don’t save them! My dad tried to go and save them, but he hasn’t come back yet. I’m really worried about him! I’ll give you these heat resistant clothes so you can help!”
Link and Saria got Goron Tunics!
“Weird, you designed them in our exact clothes,” Saria spoke.
“We did that on purpose just in case.”
Link stood there for a moment, “… How the heck did you predict what my size was going to be when I was seventeen?”
“I didn’t make them, okay? Now get a move on to the Fire Temple. It’s in Death Mountain Crater. There’s a secret passage from my dad’s room behind a giant statue.”
“The one he always stands in front of?” Navi asked.
“Yeah. Now please, just hurry up. I don’t want our race to become extinct.”
“Okay!” Link said, skipping to Darunia’s room, unfortunetly forgetting about the stairs and crashing down onto the 2nd floor.
Once they entered into the Death Mountain Crater and made it past a broken bridge using the Hookshot(which took absolutely forever because Link has horrible aim), Sheik dropped down from the sky.
“Where did you just come from?” Saria asked. “You just fell in front of us but there’s no ceiling. Same thing for back at the Sacred Forest Meadow.”
“I have my ways,” Sheik replied.
“Hey! I just realized I’m kind of hungry.” Saria took out some marshmallows. Because of how hot it was in there, they all roasted very quickly over the lava.
“How can you ever be hungry again after eating Jabu Jabu?” Navi asked.
“Meh.”
“Anyway…” Sheik started. “It is something that grows over time…*a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger over time… The passion of friendship will know which way to go…*This song is dedicated to the power of the heart… Listen to the Bolero of Fire.” Sheik pulled out his harp and played a tune.
Seconds passed.
“What? Play the dumb song on your ocarina already!”
“You told us to listen to the song, not play it,” Saria said.
“PLAY THE SONG!”
“Okay okay!” Saria took out her ocarina and played the song.
“This song will warp you back here. I’ll see you again, unfortunetly…” Sheik tossed a Deku Nut and vanished.
“I don’t think he likes us…” Link stated.
“Oh well, let’s go and beat the Fire Temple,” Navi spoke.
-
-
“OH MY CRAP!” Darunia screamed once Link, Saria and Navi entered the room in the Fire Temple. “I haven’t seen you guys for seven years! Where the heck have you been?”
“Sealed in the Sacred Realm,” Saria replied.
“Anyway, no time to talk now. My people are in danger of being eaten! I have to go slay the dragon. I don’t have the hammer, but I guess I’ll try and get through…”
“Wait! Can’t we go kill the dragon instead? At least we’re armed.”
“I’m the leader of the Gorons! I have to be the one to kill the dragon. Now go free all the Gorons while I try to kill the dragon.”
Darunia went into the locked boss door and locked it behind him.
“What the crap…” Saria muttered.
“Well, looks like we have to go save all the Gorons,” Navi said.
“What’s the point of that? Can’t we just break into the boss room like we did the last temple?” Link asked.
“No, we need the weapon we find in this temple.”
“The hammer?”
“Probably.”
-
-
After many long and boring puzzles, they finally got to the treasure chest with the item in it.
Link lifted the lid of the chest.
Link got Maxwell’s Silver Hammer!
“Cool,” Saria said.
-
-
Once they got back down into the room where they met Darunia, Saria started picking the lock to the boss door with the Kokiri Sword.
“Dude, it’s so unfair how Darunia went right through the door like it was a normal, unlocked door,” Navi said.
“He needed to get in somehow,” Saria replied.
There was a click and the lock fell on top of Link.
“…*Ow,” Link mumbled.
After five minutes of trying to get the lock off of Link, they finally managed to and entered the boss room.
“I don’t see Darunia anywhere,” Navi stated.
“Maybe he fell in the lava and was burnt to crisp,” Link suggested.
“Oh come on, Link. Everybody knows that Gorons can walk on lava,” Saria told him.
“I didn’t!” Navi yelled.
“Well, whatever. Now you know.”
Once they jumped over a platform and onto the big one with many lava holes on it, the one behind them sank.
“Well crap. Looks like we won’t be going back.”
All of a sudden, Volvagia popped out of one of the lava holes.
“How deep are those things?” Link asked. From experiances in the temple, he knew that they could walk on lava for a few seconds with that tunic on. He put his foot in it. It sank about half an inch. Then he pulled it out again.
“Duuuuuuuuuuude…” Saria said. “How the crap is Volvagia fitting into those things?”
“Muahahahaha!” Volvagia laughed, its head sticking out of one of the holes. “I am evil!”
“We know. Now go kill him, Link.”
Link pulled out Maxwell’s Silver Hammer and hid it behind his back, “Hey dragon thing, I have a present for you…”
“Really? Where is it?” Volvagia asked as Link walked closer towards him.
“Just close your eyes and don’t move and I’ll give it to you!”
“Oh boy!” Volvagia covered his eyes. Link smashed it in the head with the hammer over and over. “AUGH!!”
“You’ve been pwned!” Link hit it one more time and it flew in the air, burnt to crisp and its bones fell to the ground.
“Wow,” Saria exclaimed. “I didn’t expect that kind of death from a hammer.”
Link got a Heart Container!
“You did it, Link!” Navi said. “Now let’s go to the Chamber of Sages so that we can get out of this dumb temple!” Navi shoved him into the blue light where they appeared back in the Chamber of Sages with Darunia in front of him.
“Just as I thought,” Saria stated. “I knew Darunia would be the Sage of Fire. Who else would it be anyway?”
“Biggoron?” Darunia suggested.
“You’re the sage! You’re not supposed to suggest things.”
“Hey, I just remembered something!” Link exclaimed.
“Remembered what?”
“Remember back in that scene cut when I disappeared and when I knew what we were supposed to do without me listening?”
Flashback!
“Hey, where’s Link?” Saria wondered once they entered the Goron City.
Somehow, Link had gotten behind some rocks near them. He put on a secret agent hat over his own hat and ran into a nearby room.
“LIIIINK!” a background voice said.
Link sat down in a chair.
“Agent Link, Doctor Ganondorf is up to his old tricks again,” a giant Goron spoke. “He’s blocked up the food storage of the Gorons and filled it with Dodongos so now we’re starving to death. Go destroy that boulder and kill the Dodongos and the leader will surely reward you. Good luck, Agent Link!”
And with that, Link ran back out of the room, took off the hat and walked back up to Saria and Navi.
“Oh there you are, Link,” Saria said.
Link made a platypus noise.
End of Flashback!
“A giant Goron told you what to do and you remembered?” Saria asked disbelievingly.
“You aren’t actually a secret agent, are you?” Navi questioned.
“The secret agent part was just to be funny.”
“ANYWAY…” Darunia started. “Accept this medallion.”
Link got the Fire Medallion!
“Wow! It feels warm!” Link exclaimed in a Pikachu-like voice.
And Link, Navi and Saria were warped out of the Chamber of Sages. They appeared back in Death Mountain Crater.
“So I guess we’re going to the Water Temple now,” Navi stated.
Thunder boomed in the background.
---
Last edited:
Demise_
Gwoh hoh hoh!
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2012
Great as usual!
onebizarrekai
gay energy
Thank you everyone 
It really makes me happy!
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The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 8: Mustardious Mushroom
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was crushed by a rock, Navi was pretty boring, Saria roasted marshmallows and really nothing exciting happened.
Now for Chapter Eight.
“Soooo…” Saria started. “Because the Water Temple seems kind of dramatic, I really think we should do side quests to prepare first.”
“Fine, fine, fine,” Link muttered.
Suddenly Navi flew over to a bunch of rocks.
“What’s up, Navi?”
“…*???” Navi looked at the rocks confusingly.
“Mind talking?” Saria asked, annoyed.
“I think there’s something behind these rocks.”
“Maybe there is!” Link said. He ran over to the rocks and hit them with Maxwell’s Silver Hammer until they broke. There was a cave behind them. “Ooh! Navi, you have magic senses!”
“I’m a fairy, you idiot. Of course I have magic senses.”
One step into the cave and they all saw they’re worst fear.
A Great Fairy Fountain.
“NOOOOOO!!!” Link, Navi and Saria all screamed.
The Great Fairy came out of the fountain. “Oh my goodness! I haven’t had a visitor since a Goron came in here seven years ago. Then he got so scared when he saw me that he covered the entrance of my fountain with rocks so nobody would ever have to see me again. I wonder why?” the Great Fairy said.
“Because you’re a freakin’ nude,” Saria replied. “And you’re hideous!”
“I am the Great Fairy of Wisdom by the way! Accept this gift I am going to present to you for visiting me! It’s going to be really good because it’s been so long!”
Link and Saria got bigger Magic Meters!
“But we hardly ever use magic!” Link stated.
“It’ll be useful later in life, when you get magic arrows.”
“We get magic arrows? Awesome! When?”
The Great Fairy cackled hideously and went back into the fountain.
“…” The trio was silent.
-
-
“Okay, so now where are we heading?” Navi asked.
“I dunno,” Link replied.
Suddenly Death Mountain erupted a bunch of volcano dust. A man stuck on a rooftop fell back in surprise. But because this is a parody, I’ll have him fall off the roof instead.
“AUGH!! MAH BACK!” the man screeched.
-
-
“Why the heck are we back at the Temple of Time?” Navi asked.
“I had a sudden sensation to come here,” Link said, walking into the room behind the Door of Time. Sheik was there. “How long have you been waiting here?”
“I’ve been here ever since you went forward in time. I have clones to stalk you,” Sheik replied sarcastically.
“Seriously?!”
“No. I just got here five minutes ago. Did you seriously think I have clones?”
“Well, I thought maybe you were Naruto or something for a second.”
“Whatever. I’m here because I need to tell you something important.”
“Like what?”
“You pulled out the Master Sword and went forward in time seven years, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Has it ever occured to you what might happen if you put the sword back?”
“Nope.”
Sheik sighed, “If you put the sword back, you go backward in time seven years.”
“How does that make sense?” Navi asked. “Actually, I think it’ll be better off if I don’t ask that question.”
“Times will come when you need to travel back in time. In order to return here, play the Prelude of Light.” Sheik took his harp out and played the Prelude of Light.
“Oh, so there’s a song for here too?”
Saria pulled her ocarina out and repeated it.
“I’ll see you again,” Sheik said. He tossed a Deku Nut and vanished into thin air. Or he just hid on the ceiling until the left because it isn’t really possible to disappear that quickly.
“So where now?” Saria questioned.
“You wanted to do side quests, you tell me,” Link said. “Gasp!”
The egg Link was incubating hatched!
The Pocket Cucco crowed.
“Hey! Let’s go back to Kakariko Village and tell the cucco lady,” Saria suggested.
-
-
“Why do I hear incredibly loud snoring coming from this house?” Navi wondered.
“Maybe Talon doesn’t know Ingo went back to normal,” Link stated.
“How would you know if Ingo went back to normal?”
“Well, actually… Y’know how I disappeared on the way to the Temple of Time?”
“Hey, where’s Link?” Saria wondered.
Link snuk behind a tree, put on a secret agent hat and a hole appeared in the tree. He fell into it and appeared back in that room from the Goron City.
“Agent Link,” the same Goron started. “Docter Ganondorf’s evil mother and aunt had brainwashed Ingo from the Lon Lon Ranch. Since you took that horse from the ranch, he has returned to normal. If you ever find Talon, tell him that he can go back. That is all.”
Link fell through a hole and appeared back in Hyrule Field.
“Oh, there you are Link,” Saria said. “Where were you?”
“The secret agent thing again?” Navi asked.
“Yeah,” Link answered. “Just forget it. I know that Ingo is back to normal.”
They walked into the house where the loud snoring was coming from Talon was sleeping on a bed.
“Goodness!” a woman yelled. “He’s been sleeping ever since he got here and won’t wake up to anything. How, I have absolutely no idea!”
“How long has he been here?” Navi asked, probably going to regret the answer.
“A WHOLE FREAKING YEAR!”
Link, Navi and Saria stared at Talon, wide eyed.
“That is almost as scary as the Great Fairy,” Saria stated.
“Hahaha, you rhymed,” Link giggled.
“Shut up.”
“WAKEY WAKEY!” Link took out his Pocket Cucco. It crowed so loudly that Ganondorf could hear it from his castle.
“What in tarnation!?” Talon yelled, getting up immediantly. “Can’t you let a guy get a little shut eye around here?!”
“NO!” everybody in the room screamed immediantly.
“You’ve been sleeping for an entire year!” the woman shouted.
“Ingo took over the Lon Lon Ranch and they call it Ingo Ranch nowawayds. I was kicked out of there, and look at me now! My girl, Malon, still works at the ranch. I’m worried about her…” Talon said.
“That’s why we woke you up! Ingo is back to normal!” Link told him.
“You saved Malon? Thanks! I’m goin’ back to the ranch, then! Yeehah!” Talon broke down the door by running into it and left the village.
“…*I’m shocked,” the woman stated.
“Yeah. He sleeps for a year and has the energy of somebody who who just drank two whole bottles of soda.”
“What about two whole bottles of soda?” Link asked, chugging down the last of a bottle of soda. “This is my second one.”
“Oh crap.”
-
-
“Hey! Miss Cucco Lady person!” Link called. “The Cucco hatched.” He held out the cucco in his hands.
“Oh, your Cucco looks pretty happy! He must awakenened an extremely lazy guy!” Anju stated.
“Yes. Yes he did.”
“You’re a good Cucco Keeper! I’ll give you a rare, valuable Cucco, if you’re interested…*Its name is Cojiro, and it used to be my brother’s Cucco. Its blue body is quite charming. It’s so cute! Since my brother has gone, it’s strange, but Cojiro has stopped crowing.”
“Well maybe he’s sad, duh,” Saria said.
“Do you want to keep Cojiro?”
“Okay! Awesome!”
Link returned the Pocket Cucco and got Cojiro in return!
“Please take good care of him!” Anju said.
“Hey! I want to test out a song that I learned from Sheik!” Link stated and took out the Ocarina of Time. He played the Minuet of Forest and the three appeared at the Sacred Forest Meadow. “Well whaddaya know! It works!”
“So how are we going to get back to Kakariko?”
Suddenly Cojiro crowed.
“Ah! The cucco lady lied to me!” Link exclaimed. “She said the cucco didn’t crow anymore.”
Then Cojiro crowed again.
“Stop crowing. It’s loud!” Navi ordered.
Cojiro crowed again. He hopped out of Link’s arms and started to fly down the path, even though chickens aren’t supposed to fly. I guess Cuccos are different.
“Follow the flying cucco!” Link said. He chased Cojiro away. He was so occupied at chasing the Cucco that he completely ignored and avoided the giant Moblin.
-
-
Much time later, he finally got into a certain part of the woods. An ugly man was sitting by a tall stump. Cojiro crowed loudest of all.
“Cojiro? Why? Normally only a nice guy like me can tame you… Which means…” the ugly punk guy started.
“I didn’t tame him, I’ve only had him for a little while…” Link said, but the guy ignored him.
“You…*You must be a nice guy! Must be! You must be!!”
“Oh yeah, I’m super nice! I’m so nice that Ganondorf seems evil!”
“Link, Ganondorf is evil,” Navi told him.
“ANYWAY! Please Mr. Nice Guy! Please! Deliver this stuff to the old hag in the potion shop in Kakariko Village!” the punk guy pleaded.
“What potion shop? I don’t remember there being a potion shop there,” Link stated. “The potion shop in Castle Town may have moved there, though. Maybe the old hag is a part time worker--”
“Be quiet. There is another potion shop in Kakariko Village that is owned by an old hag. It’s behind the one your talking about. Now take this mushroom to the old hag! This will disappear if you take too long, so you gotta hurry!”
“Okay!”
Link got an Odd Mushroom!
“A fresh mushroom like this is sure to spoil quickly,” Saria told Link. “Take it to the Kakariko Potion Shop, quick!”
“But my Cucco!” Link complained, looking at Cojiro in the punk guy’s arms.
“COME ON!” Saria dragged him out.
-
-
“Hey, old hag person! We brought you a mushroom,” Saria stated, walking up to the old lady. She held it out. “Hurry up and use it before it spoils.”
“Sniff sniff sniff!” the old lady said. “What a mustardious smell! You must have something!”
“Mustardious? What the crap?”
“What? It smells like mustard.”
Saria sniffed the mushroom. “I’ve lived in the forest all my life and I never realized that… Anyway, some weird punk guy in the woods gave us this mushroom and told us to give it to you.”
“…*That bum! He had to go into the forest…”
“JUST TAKE THE DUMB MUSHROOM BEFORE WE RUN OUT OF TIME!”
“…*I see.” The old hag took the mushroom and dumped it into a cauldron. “If you see that foof, give this to him. It is the strongest medicine I have ever produced. However, this potion will not work on a monster…”
Saria recieved an Odd Potion!
“Now take it to that foof.”
“Foof? You’re a weird old hag…” Saria stated.
“SHADDAP FOOF AND GIVE IT TO HIM!”
“Okay, okay…”
-
-
“Hey! Ugly punk…*guy…” Link started, running into the area where he was. The guy wasn’t there anymore. Instead, there was a Kokiri. “Oh my Din! You were dressed up as the punk guy so that you could get us to make that potion and then you would steal it from us!”
“What the heck are you talking about?” the Kokiri, named Fado, asked. “That guy isn’t here anymore. Anybody who comes into the forest will be lost. Everybody will become a Stalfos. Everybody, Stalfos. So, he’s not here anymore. Only his saw is left. Hee hee.”
“How come you aren’t a Stalfos then?”
“Because I’m a Kokiri.”
“Hey!” a Skull Kid yelled. “If everybody becomes Stalfos, how do Skull Kids turn up?”
“It’s all complicated, and I won’t bother explaining.”
“So anyway… Why are you here?” Navi questioned.
“Hey!! That potion is made of forest mushrooms! Give it back!” Fado tried to snatch the potion from Saria.
“EXCUSE ME! Stealing things from fellow Kokiri?” Saria gasped. “What do you want with this potion?”
“It’s made of forest mushrooms.”
“I live here. I have a right to have a potion with forest mushrooms in it.”
“Saria,” Navi started. “What do you plan on doing with that potion if that guy has turned into a Stalfos and you don’t even know what it does?”
“What does she plan on doing with it? She respects Mido. You can’t trust people who respect Mido.”
“This is part of a side quest, Saria. You have to give her the potion.”
“Fine. Take the dumb potion.” Saria shoved the potion into Fado’s face and stole the saw. She sprinted to the exit.
Saria returned the Odd Potion and stole the Poacher’s Saw!
“Hey! I was going to keep that saw!” Fado yelled.
“Screw you!” Saria shouted back.
---
Ah, I have so much fun writing these stories when I actually get around to writing it and have some funny ideas.
Here's another chapter:
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The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 9: Goro-Cops and a Flamethrower
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link thought Sheik was Naruto, Navi was boring again, Saria stole a saw and Talon had been sleeping for a year.
Now for Chapter Nine.
“So where are we taking this saw?” Navi asked Saria once they entered Hyrule Field.
Saria held up the saw, “I don’t know. Maybe we should ask the carpenters if they need another one.”
“Why did you steal it if you’re not even going to do anything with it?!”
“Because Fado respects Mido!”
“Good point.”
Saria went into a random phone booth. She took out a blue rupee and put it in.
“I don’t remember that being there…” Link stated.
“Hello!” Saria greeted into the phone. “Is this the carpenters?”
“Yes! This is Mutoh the boss of the carpenters! How may we help you?” the person on the phone questioned.
“Are phones supposed to exist yet?” Link asked Navi.
“I don’t think so…” Navi replied.
“Well, I just found this saw laying around in the woods. I picked it up and realized I didn’t have anything to do with it, so I wondered if you guys needed another one,” Saria told Mutoh.
“YES!” Mutoh yelled instantly. Saria almost dropped the phone. “We’re in Gerudo Valley, right near the beginning. If you don’t know where that is, it’s near Lake Hylia on the south east corner of Hyrule Field. Since postage won’t be invented until Majora’s Mask, bring it right over! One more thing--”
“Okay!” Saria hung up before Mutoh could finish his sentence. “To Gerudo Valley!”
-
-
Link, Navi and Saria stared at the broken bridge.
Yes, there was a bridge. The tent where the carpenters was right across. But the bridge was broken.
“WHAT THE CRAP!” Saria yelled.
“You didn’t let me finish my sentence that other time!” Mutoh shouted from the other side of the bridge. “I was going to tell you the bridge was broken! We needed another saw because my carpenters have all gone to Gerudo’s Fortress to become thieves because they didn’t like being carpenters anymore! I would build it myself, except I didn’t have a saw!”
Saria climbed onto Epona. “All right, giddy-up!” Epona began to run towards the ditch.
“Oh my Farore!!” Link screamed.
Epona jumped right over and landed clean on the other side.
“Good Epona!” Saria said and fed Epona a carrot. “Here, have the saw!”
Saria handed the saw to Mutoh.
“Hey, wait a second…” Mutoh started. “This is my saw!”
“What?” Saria asked. “How the heck is that even possible?”
“Some punk guy stole it from me. My Biggoron tool broke, so I was going to the Goron City to get it repaired. Your coming here is great timing!”
Saria traded the Poacher’s Saw for a Broken Goron’s Sword!
“What the crap. You gave me a broken sword,” Saria stated.
“If you go to the Goron City, you can get it repaired. I guess that swords aren’t meant to be used for building stuff.”
“To the Goron City!” Link said.
-
-
“Excuse me!” Saria called to a nearby Goron. “Do you know where Biggoron is?”
“Oh, him? He’s so big he can’t even fit in the city, so he’s sitting on top of the mountain,” the Goron answered. “Don’t be afraid of him. He won’t eat you.”
“Sitting on top of the mountain?” Navi said. “How the crap could I never have seen him?”
“He has to hide himself so he doesn’t freak the crap out of people.”
ON TOP OF DEATH MOUNTAIN…
“Hello! Biggoron person! You there?” Link asked.
A huuuuuuuuge Goron put his hand up and pulled himself into sight. Then he started rubbing his eyes like crazy.
“Hello,” Biggoron greeted with an echoey voice due to his size.
“Hey! You shouldn’t be rubbing your eyes like that,” Navi told him. “It’s not good for them.”
Saria held out the broken sword, “Can you fix my sword?”
“What kind of sword is it?” Biggoron questioned.
“A broken sword that you apparently made. I got it from a weird fat guy named Mutoh.”
“I didn’t make that sword, my brother Monogoron made it. That’s why it broke.”
“Monogoron makes swords?” Link gasped. “How could I have not found out about this?”
“I’m pretty sure his name is Medigoron,” Saria stated. “At least that’s what the character list said.”
“Saria, Monogoron is that Goron Link keeps mentioning whenever he talks about one of those secret agent things he does. His name is Monogoron in this story.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Well, anyway, I would fix the sword for you, but I can’t,” Biggoron told them. “I’m practically blind right now. When that huge burst of volcano dust came out last chapter, some got in my eyes, so I can’t see.”
“Is there any way we can help?” Navi asked.
“Yes. There are fine eyedrops in Zora’s Domain…*You will find them if you go see King Zora. Please go get the eyedrops…”
“Sure thing! But the only problem is, you may have to wait a while because we might have to beat the Water Temple first.”
“NO!! NAVI, I WANT MY SWORD!” Saria yelled, holding up the broken sword. “I CAN’T STAB THINGS WITH THIS!!!”
“Actually, you probably could…”
“SHUT UP! IT WON’T BE VERY EFFECTIVE!”
“Please don’t tell me you just drank a can of soda while I wasn’t looking.”
“YER DARN RIGHT I DID!” Saria held up the empty can of Pepsi. She crushed it and threw it on the ground.
Suddenly an alarm went off.
“LITTERER!!” a voice shouted. Two Gorons wearing police hats walked up and dragged her away.
“NOOO!!!” Saria screamed.
MUCH TIME LATER…
Saria was tossed back onto the area where she had been before. Link and Navi were playing Go Fish.
“They made me stare at the Great Fairy for fifteen minutes!” Saria gasped, breathing heavily.
“You were gone way longer than that,” Navi stated.
“I was just stating the worst part.”
“Anyway!” Biggoron started. “Please go get the eyedrops!”
“OKAY!”
Saria checked in the Broken Goron’s Sword and received a Prescription!
-
-
Once they got to Zora’s River, it began to get colder. It was snowing once they got to the waterfall.
“Gah, it’s freezing,” Saria complained.
“Oh no!” Link exclaimed. “Doctor Ganondorf must have cursed this place with frozen-ness.”
He took out his ocarina and played Zelda’s Lullaby. The waterfall opened as usual. They hopped into the passageway and it got even colder.
“Crap! Why didn’t I bring a coat?” Saria muttered.
“Because you didn’t know it would be this cold,” Link answered.
“Shut up.”
They entered the domain. Somehow, it was snowing inside even though rock was covering up the ceiling. The water was all frozen. Even the other waterfall was frozen.
“WOO!” Link cheered. “Ice-skating time!” He pulled out a pair of ice-skates.
“Link! This is serious! Don’t go ice-skating at a time like this!” Navi yelled. “We need to get the eyedrops for Biggoron and beat the Water Temple!”
“YEAH! I want my sword!” Saria told him.
“Fine…” Link mumbled, putting the ice-skates away.
“Knowing King Zora, his butt is probably frozen to the ledge he was sitting on. And we probably have to thaw him off or something.”
Up the stairs in the throne room…
“Oh my Farore it’s even worse than I thought,” Saria stated. King Zora’s entire body was encased in ice. Oddly, the ice was red.
“It’s probably magical ice,” Link stated.
“Riiiiiiiight…” Navi said. “It probably just has food coloring in it to make you think it’s magical.”
“Thank Nayru he isn’t sitting back in front of the entrance to the fountain. It’s probably where we need to go,” Saria spoke.
-
-
“Ah! This place brings back memories!” Saria sighed, walking up to the spot where Jabu Jabu once was seven years ago. Surprisingly, the entire fountain was not frozen.
“Memories of you eating the Zora’s guardian god,” Navi muttered. “I’m surprised they didn’t arrest you.”
Sheik suddenly appeared out of no where holding a treasure chest, “ACTUALLY, I overheard them saying they were so glad he was gone before they all got frozen.”
“What are you doing here?”
“The authoress decided that she wasn’t going to put in Ice Cavern because she didn’t want to, so she had me go through it myself and take this dumb chest to you instead.” Sheik put the chest down and sighed. “I have no idea what’s inside it, but it’s really heavy.”
“Why did all the Zoras get frozen?” Link asked.
“Ganondorf first just frozen the domain so they couldn’t eat, but then he realized he’d already used that on the Gorons so he defrosted the water, waited for all the Zoras to go in for fish and then froze it again so they got stuck. Since King Zora never gets off his lazy butt, Ganondorf just trapped him in a block of magic ice.”
“HA!” Link pointed at Navi in the face. “I knew it was magic!”
“Whatever!” Navi yelled.
“King Zora is lazy in a very strange way,” Saria stated. “He never stands up, but he never sleeps.”
“How do you know if he never sleeps?”
“I KNOW STUFF!”
“Let’s see what’s in the chest!” Link said. He opened the chest up.
Link got the Iron Boots!
“No wonder,” Sheik muttered.
“Hey! There are two pairs!” Link exclaimed.
“Even more no wonder.”
“Saria! Catch!” Link held up the smaller second pair.
“EEEEEK!! NO!!” Saria screamed. “Those are iron, you idiot!”
“Actually, they’re only iron on the bottom…”
“Shut up.” Saria took the pair from him. “What the crap? They aren’t heavy!”
“????” Sheik stared. “Then…” He looked into the chest. It was filled with weights. “WHAT THE FREAK!”
“The Iron Boots are only supposed to be heavy when you’re wearing them! It makes them easier to carry!” the authoress said. “I was just trying to make you think they were heavy.”
Sheik groaned.
Link suddenly got a Miniature Flamethrower!
Everybody stared.
“Uhh… What the heck…” Link stammered.
“Since you need to go into Ice Cavern in order to get Blue Fire, I just gave you a miniature flamethrower for Blue Fire, it melts magic ice,” the authoress told him. “Oh, and here’s the Heart Piece you missed.”
Link got a Heart Piece!
“This is all happening so suddenly and quickly…” Saria mumbled. “…*Hey! Let’s go thaw out King Zora and get the eyedrops so that I can fix the sword.”
“Wait! You have to learn the Serenade of Water first so you can warp to the temple.”
“Okay! Fine! Hurry up though!”
Sheik played the Serenade of Water on his harp. Saria repeated the song.
“OKAY! SWORD! NOW!!” Saria didn’t even give Sheik a chance to disappear before she did.
“…” Everybody was silent.
Back in the freezing cold Zora’s Domain…
“I’MA FIRIN’ MAH FIRE!” Link yelled. He fired some Blue Fire at the frozen King Zora and the ice thawed out immediantly.
King Zora didn’t even notice at first. He just started doing his normal animation.
“Umm…*Hello?”
“Oh--I’ve come back to life! Was it you who saved me?” King Zora asked, finally noticing them.
“Yep!”
“Don’t be nervous!”
“I’m not!”
“We’re going to the Water Temple,” Navi told King Zora.
“The Water Temple?” he started. “It looks like you have a hard time breathing underwater.”
“What?”
“As an expression of my gratitude, I grant you this tunic. With this, you won’t choke underwater.”
Link and Saria got Zora Tunics!
“…*And again, they’re designed in our exact clothing,” Saria stated.
“Yep!” King Zora spoke. “Princess Ruto has gone to the temple of Lake Hylia and has not come back…*I’m so worried…*again!”
“How would you know that? You’ve been frozen this whole time!” Navi said.
“She left before they all got frozen under the water.”
“WHOA WHOA WHOA!” Saria yelled. “What the crap? The domain was supposed to be frozen and Sheik was supposed to save Princess Ruto from the ice.”
“It had to make sense, okay?!” the authoress told her. “Because if King Zora had been frozen the whole time, then he wouldn’t and couldn’t know if Ruto had gone.”
“By the way, a Goron on Death Mountain needs eyedrops.” Saria handed the prescription to King Zora.
“Ooh…*This is…*well…*hmmm… Hmmm…*Eyedrops…” King Zora spoke as he read the prescription. “You might say we have them, you might say we don’t… We do have the ingredients. If you take the ingredients to the doctor at the lake laboratory, he can make the drops for you. But you need to deliver them fresh…*Can you make it before they spoil?”
CAN THEY MAKE IT BEFORE THEY SPOIL?
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!
---
I'm laughing as I fix the chapter. Now this is getting funny for me
We're halfway through OoT now!
(There's a lot of asterisks... I still wonder why it does that.)
It really makes me happy!----
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 8: Mustardious Mushroom
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was crushed by a rock, Navi was pretty boring, Saria roasted marshmallows and really nothing exciting happened.
Now for Chapter Eight.
“Soooo…” Saria started. “Because the Water Temple seems kind of dramatic, I really think we should do side quests to prepare first.”
“Fine, fine, fine,” Link muttered.
Suddenly Navi flew over to a bunch of rocks.
“What’s up, Navi?”
“…*???” Navi looked at the rocks confusingly.
“Mind talking?” Saria asked, annoyed.
“I think there’s something behind these rocks.”
“Maybe there is!” Link said. He ran over to the rocks and hit them with Maxwell’s Silver Hammer until they broke. There was a cave behind them. “Ooh! Navi, you have magic senses!”
“I’m a fairy, you idiot. Of course I have magic senses.”
One step into the cave and they all saw they’re worst fear.
A Great Fairy Fountain.
“NOOOOOO!!!” Link, Navi and Saria all screamed.
The Great Fairy came out of the fountain. “Oh my goodness! I haven’t had a visitor since a Goron came in here seven years ago. Then he got so scared when he saw me that he covered the entrance of my fountain with rocks so nobody would ever have to see me again. I wonder why?” the Great Fairy said.
“Because you’re a freakin’ nude,” Saria replied. “And you’re hideous!”
“I am the Great Fairy of Wisdom by the way! Accept this gift I am going to present to you for visiting me! It’s going to be really good because it’s been so long!”
Link and Saria got bigger Magic Meters!
“But we hardly ever use magic!” Link stated.
“It’ll be useful later in life, when you get magic arrows.”
“We get magic arrows? Awesome! When?”
The Great Fairy cackled hideously and went back into the fountain.
“…” The trio was silent.
-
-
“Okay, so now where are we heading?” Navi asked.
“I dunno,” Link replied.
Suddenly Death Mountain erupted a bunch of volcano dust. A man stuck on a rooftop fell back in surprise. But because this is a parody, I’ll have him fall off the roof instead.
“AUGH!! MAH BACK!” the man screeched.
-
-
“Why the heck are we back at the Temple of Time?” Navi asked.
“I had a sudden sensation to come here,” Link said, walking into the room behind the Door of Time. Sheik was there. “How long have you been waiting here?”
“I’ve been here ever since you went forward in time. I have clones to stalk you,” Sheik replied sarcastically.
“Seriously?!”
“No. I just got here five minutes ago. Did you seriously think I have clones?”
“Well, I thought maybe you were Naruto or something for a second.”
“Whatever. I’m here because I need to tell you something important.”
“Like what?”
“You pulled out the Master Sword and went forward in time seven years, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Has it ever occured to you what might happen if you put the sword back?”
“Nope.”
Sheik sighed, “If you put the sword back, you go backward in time seven years.”
“How does that make sense?” Navi asked. “Actually, I think it’ll be better off if I don’t ask that question.”
“Times will come when you need to travel back in time. In order to return here, play the Prelude of Light.” Sheik took his harp out and played the Prelude of Light.
“Oh, so there’s a song for here too?”
Saria pulled her ocarina out and repeated it.
“I’ll see you again,” Sheik said. He tossed a Deku Nut and vanished into thin air. Or he just hid on the ceiling until the left because it isn’t really possible to disappear that quickly.
“So where now?” Saria questioned.
“You wanted to do side quests, you tell me,” Link said. “Gasp!”
The egg Link was incubating hatched!
The Pocket Cucco crowed.
“Hey! Let’s go back to Kakariko Village and tell the cucco lady,” Saria suggested.
-
-
“Why do I hear incredibly loud snoring coming from this house?” Navi wondered.
“Maybe Talon doesn’t know Ingo went back to normal,” Link stated.
“How would you know if Ingo went back to normal?”
“Well, actually… Y’know how I disappeared on the way to the Temple of Time?”
“Hey, where’s Link?” Saria wondered.
Link snuk behind a tree, put on a secret agent hat and a hole appeared in the tree. He fell into it and appeared back in that room from the Goron City.
“Agent Link,” the same Goron started. “Docter Ganondorf’s evil mother and aunt had brainwashed Ingo from the Lon Lon Ranch. Since you took that horse from the ranch, he has returned to normal. If you ever find Talon, tell him that he can go back. That is all.”
Link fell through a hole and appeared back in Hyrule Field.
“Oh, there you are Link,” Saria said. “Where were you?”
“The secret agent thing again?” Navi asked.
“Yeah,” Link answered. “Just forget it. I know that Ingo is back to normal.”
They walked into the house where the loud snoring was coming from Talon was sleeping on a bed.
“Goodness!” a woman yelled. “He’s been sleeping ever since he got here and won’t wake up to anything. How, I have absolutely no idea!”
“How long has he been here?” Navi asked, probably going to regret the answer.
“A WHOLE FREAKING YEAR!”
Link, Navi and Saria stared at Talon, wide eyed.
“That is almost as scary as the Great Fairy,” Saria stated.
“Hahaha, you rhymed,” Link giggled.
“Shut up.”
“WAKEY WAKEY!” Link took out his Pocket Cucco. It crowed so loudly that Ganondorf could hear it from his castle.
“What in tarnation!?” Talon yelled, getting up immediantly. “Can’t you let a guy get a little shut eye around here?!”
“NO!” everybody in the room screamed immediantly.
“You’ve been sleeping for an entire year!” the woman shouted.
“Ingo took over the Lon Lon Ranch and they call it Ingo Ranch nowawayds. I was kicked out of there, and look at me now! My girl, Malon, still works at the ranch. I’m worried about her…” Talon said.
“That’s why we woke you up! Ingo is back to normal!” Link told him.
“You saved Malon? Thanks! I’m goin’ back to the ranch, then! Yeehah!” Talon broke down the door by running into it and left the village.
“…*I’m shocked,” the woman stated.
“Yeah. He sleeps for a year and has the energy of somebody who who just drank two whole bottles of soda.”
“What about two whole bottles of soda?” Link asked, chugging down the last of a bottle of soda. “This is my second one.”
“Oh crap.”
-
-
“Hey! Miss Cucco Lady person!” Link called. “The Cucco hatched.” He held out the cucco in his hands.
“Oh, your Cucco looks pretty happy! He must awakenened an extremely lazy guy!” Anju stated.
“Yes. Yes he did.”
“You’re a good Cucco Keeper! I’ll give you a rare, valuable Cucco, if you’re interested…*Its name is Cojiro, and it used to be my brother’s Cucco. Its blue body is quite charming. It’s so cute! Since my brother has gone, it’s strange, but Cojiro has stopped crowing.”
“Well maybe he’s sad, duh,” Saria said.
“Do you want to keep Cojiro?”
“Okay! Awesome!”
Link returned the Pocket Cucco and got Cojiro in return!
“Please take good care of him!” Anju said.
“Hey! I want to test out a song that I learned from Sheik!” Link stated and took out the Ocarina of Time. He played the Minuet of Forest and the three appeared at the Sacred Forest Meadow. “Well whaddaya know! It works!”
“So how are we going to get back to Kakariko?”
Suddenly Cojiro crowed.
“Ah! The cucco lady lied to me!” Link exclaimed. “She said the cucco didn’t crow anymore.”
Then Cojiro crowed again.
“Stop crowing. It’s loud!” Navi ordered.
Cojiro crowed again. He hopped out of Link’s arms and started to fly down the path, even though chickens aren’t supposed to fly. I guess Cuccos are different.
“Follow the flying cucco!” Link said. He chased Cojiro away. He was so occupied at chasing the Cucco that he completely ignored and avoided the giant Moblin.
-
-
Much time later, he finally got into a certain part of the woods. An ugly man was sitting by a tall stump. Cojiro crowed loudest of all.
“Cojiro? Why? Normally only a nice guy like me can tame you… Which means…” the ugly punk guy started.
“I didn’t tame him, I’ve only had him for a little while…” Link said, but the guy ignored him.
“You…*You must be a nice guy! Must be! You must be!!”
“Oh yeah, I’m super nice! I’m so nice that Ganondorf seems evil!”
“Link, Ganondorf is evil,” Navi told him.
“ANYWAY! Please Mr. Nice Guy! Please! Deliver this stuff to the old hag in the potion shop in Kakariko Village!” the punk guy pleaded.
“What potion shop? I don’t remember there being a potion shop there,” Link stated. “The potion shop in Castle Town may have moved there, though. Maybe the old hag is a part time worker--”
“Be quiet. There is another potion shop in Kakariko Village that is owned by an old hag. It’s behind the one your talking about. Now take this mushroom to the old hag! This will disappear if you take too long, so you gotta hurry!”
“Okay!”
Link got an Odd Mushroom!
“A fresh mushroom like this is sure to spoil quickly,” Saria told Link. “Take it to the Kakariko Potion Shop, quick!”
“But my Cucco!” Link complained, looking at Cojiro in the punk guy’s arms.
“COME ON!” Saria dragged him out.
-
-
“Hey, old hag person! We brought you a mushroom,” Saria stated, walking up to the old lady. She held it out. “Hurry up and use it before it spoils.”
“Sniff sniff sniff!” the old lady said. “What a mustardious smell! You must have something!”
“Mustardious? What the crap?”
“What? It smells like mustard.”
Saria sniffed the mushroom. “I’ve lived in the forest all my life and I never realized that… Anyway, some weird punk guy in the woods gave us this mushroom and told us to give it to you.”
“…*That bum! He had to go into the forest…”
“JUST TAKE THE DUMB MUSHROOM BEFORE WE RUN OUT OF TIME!”
“…*I see.” The old hag took the mushroom and dumped it into a cauldron. “If you see that foof, give this to him. It is the strongest medicine I have ever produced. However, this potion will not work on a monster…”
Saria recieved an Odd Potion!
“Now take it to that foof.”
“Foof? You’re a weird old hag…” Saria stated.
“SHADDAP FOOF AND GIVE IT TO HIM!”
“Okay, okay…”
-
-
“Hey! Ugly punk…*guy…” Link started, running into the area where he was. The guy wasn’t there anymore. Instead, there was a Kokiri. “Oh my Din! You were dressed up as the punk guy so that you could get us to make that potion and then you would steal it from us!”
“What the heck are you talking about?” the Kokiri, named Fado, asked. “That guy isn’t here anymore. Anybody who comes into the forest will be lost. Everybody will become a Stalfos. Everybody, Stalfos. So, he’s not here anymore. Only his saw is left. Hee hee.”
“How come you aren’t a Stalfos then?”
“Because I’m a Kokiri.”
“Hey!” a Skull Kid yelled. “If everybody becomes Stalfos, how do Skull Kids turn up?”
“It’s all complicated, and I won’t bother explaining.”
“So anyway… Why are you here?” Navi questioned.
“Hey!! That potion is made of forest mushrooms! Give it back!” Fado tried to snatch the potion from Saria.
“EXCUSE ME! Stealing things from fellow Kokiri?” Saria gasped. “What do you want with this potion?”
“It’s made of forest mushrooms.”
“I live here. I have a right to have a potion with forest mushrooms in it.”
“Saria,” Navi started. “What do you plan on doing with that potion if that guy has turned into a Stalfos and you don’t even know what it does?”
“What does she plan on doing with it? She respects Mido. You can’t trust people who respect Mido.”
“This is part of a side quest, Saria. You have to give her the potion.”
“Fine. Take the dumb potion.” Saria shoved the potion into Fado’s face and stole the saw. She sprinted to the exit.
Saria returned the Odd Potion and stole the Poacher’s Saw!
“Hey! I was going to keep that saw!” Fado yelled.
“Screw you!” Saria shouted back.
---
Ah, I have so much fun writing these stories when I actually get around to writing it and have some funny ideas.
Here's another chapter:
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 9: Goro-Cops and a Flamethrower
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link thought Sheik was Naruto, Navi was boring again, Saria stole a saw and Talon had been sleeping for a year.
Now for Chapter Nine.
“So where are we taking this saw?” Navi asked Saria once they entered Hyrule Field.
Saria held up the saw, “I don’t know. Maybe we should ask the carpenters if they need another one.”
“Why did you steal it if you’re not even going to do anything with it?!”
“Because Fado respects Mido!”
“Good point.”
Saria went into a random phone booth. She took out a blue rupee and put it in.
“I don’t remember that being there…” Link stated.
“Hello!” Saria greeted into the phone. “Is this the carpenters?”
“Yes! This is Mutoh the boss of the carpenters! How may we help you?” the person on the phone questioned.
“Are phones supposed to exist yet?” Link asked Navi.
“I don’t think so…” Navi replied.
“Well, I just found this saw laying around in the woods. I picked it up and realized I didn’t have anything to do with it, so I wondered if you guys needed another one,” Saria told Mutoh.
“YES!” Mutoh yelled instantly. Saria almost dropped the phone. “We’re in Gerudo Valley, right near the beginning. If you don’t know where that is, it’s near Lake Hylia on the south east corner of Hyrule Field. Since postage won’t be invented until Majora’s Mask, bring it right over! One more thing--”
“Okay!” Saria hung up before Mutoh could finish his sentence. “To Gerudo Valley!”
-
-
Link, Navi and Saria stared at the broken bridge.
Yes, there was a bridge. The tent where the carpenters was right across. But the bridge was broken.
“WHAT THE CRAP!” Saria yelled.
“You didn’t let me finish my sentence that other time!” Mutoh shouted from the other side of the bridge. “I was going to tell you the bridge was broken! We needed another saw because my carpenters have all gone to Gerudo’s Fortress to become thieves because they didn’t like being carpenters anymore! I would build it myself, except I didn’t have a saw!”
Saria climbed onto Epona. “All right, giddy-up!” Epona began to run towards the ditch.
“Oh my Farore!!” Link screamed.
Epona jumped right over and landed clean on the other side.
“Good Epona!” Saria said and fed Epona a carrot. “Here, have the saw!”
Saria handed the saw to Mutoh.
“Hey, wait a second…” Mutoh started. “This is my saw!”
“What?” Saria asked. “How the heck is that even possible?”
“Some punk guy stole it from me. My Biggoron tool broke, so I was going to the Goron City to get it repaired. Your coming here is great timing!”
Saria traded the Poacher’s Saw for a Broken Goron’s Sword!
“What the crap. You gave me a broken sword,” Saria stated.
“If you go to the Goron City, you can get it repaired. I guess that swords aren’t meant to be used for building stuff.”
“To the Goron City!” Link said.
-
-
“Excuse me!” Saria called to a nearby Goron. “Do you know where Biggoron is?”
“Oh, him? He’s so big he can’t even fit in the city, so he’s sitting on top of the mountain,” the Goron answered. “Don’t be afraid of him. He won’t eat you.”
“Sitting on top of the mountain?” Navi said. “How the crap could I never have seen him?”
“He has to hide himself so he doesn’t freak the crap out of people.”
ON TOP OF DEATH MOUNTAIN…
“Hello! Biggoron person! You there?” Link asked.
A huuuuuuuuge Goron put his hand up and pulled himself into sight. Then he started rubbing his eyes like crazy.
“Hello,” Biggoron greeted with an echoey voice due to his size.
“Hey! You shouldn’t be rubbing your eyes like that,” Navi told him. “It’s not good for them.”
Saria held out the broken sword, “Can you fix my sword?”
“What kind of sword is it?” Biggoron questioned.
“A broken sword that you apparently made. I got it from a weird fat guy named Mutoh.”
“I didn’t make that sword, my brother Monogoron made it. That’s why it broke.”
“Monogoron makes swords?” Link gasped. “How could I have not found out about this?”
“I’m pretty sure his name is Medigoron,” Saria stated. “At least that’s what the character list said.”
“Saria, Monogoron is that Goron Link keeps mentioning whenever he talks about one of those secret agent things he does. His name is Monogoron in this story.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Well, anyway, I would fix the sword for you, but I can’t,” Biggoron told them. “I’m practically blind right now. When that huge burst of volcano dust came out last chapter, some got in my eyes, so I can’t see.”
“Is there any way we can help?” Navi asked.
“Yes. There are fine eyedrops in Zora’s Domain…*You will find them if you go see King Zora. Please go get the eyedrops…”
“Sure thing! But the only problem is, you may have to wait a while because we might have to beat the Water Temple first.”
“NO!! NAVI, I WANT MY SWORD!” Saria yelled, holding up the broken sword. “I CAN’T STAB THINGS WITH THIS!!!”
“Actually, you probably could…”
“SHUT UP! IT WON’T BE VERY EFFECTIVE!”
“Please don’t tell me you just drank a can of soda while I wasn’t looking.”
“YER DARN RIGHT I DID!” Saria held up the empty can of Pepsi. She crushed it and threw it on the ground.
Suddenly an alarm went off.
“LITTERER!!” a voice shouted. Two Gorons wearing police hats walked up and dragged her away.
“NOOO!!!” Saria screamed.
MUCH TIME LATER…
Saria was tossed back onto the area where she had been before. Link and Navi were playing Go Fish.
“They made me stare at the Great Fairy for fifteen minutes!” Saria gasped, breathing heavily.
“You were gone way longer than that,” Navi stated.
“I was just stating the worst part.”
“Anyway!” Biggoron started. “Please go get the eyedrops!”
“OKAY!”
Saria checked in the Broken Goron’s Sword and received a Prescription!
-
-
Once they got to Zora’s River, it began to get colder. It was snowing once they got to the waterfall.
“Gah, it’s freezing,” Saria complained.
“Oh no!” Link exclaimed. “Doctor Ganondorf must have cursed this place with frozen-ness.”
He took out his ocarina and played Zelda’s Lullaby. The waterfall opened as usual. They hopped into the passageway and it got even colder.
“Crap! Why didn’t I bring a coat?” Saria muttered.
“Because you didn’t know it would be this cold,” Link answered.
“Shut up.”
They entered the domain. Somehow, it was snowing inside even though rock was covering up the ceiling. The water was all frozen. Even the other waterfall was frozen.
“WOO!” Link cheered. “Ice-skating time!” He pulled out a pair of ice-skates.
“Link! This is serious! Don’t go ice-skating at a time like this!” Navi yelled. “We need to get the eyedrops for Biggoron and beat the Water Temple!”
“YEAH! I want my sword!” Saria told him.
“Fine…” Link mumbled, putting the ice-skates away.
“Knowing King Zora, his butt is probably frozen to the ledge he was sitting on. And we probably have to thaw him off or something.”
Up the stairs in the throne room…
“Oh my Farore it’s even worse than I thought,” Saria stated. King Zora’s entire body was encased in ice. Oddly, the ice was red.
“It’s probably magical ice,” Link stated.
“Riiiiiiiight…” Navi said. “It probably just has food coloring in it to make you think it’s magical.”
“Thank Nayru he isn’t sitting back in front of the entrance to the fountain. It’s probably where we need to go,” Saria spoke.
-
-
“Ah! This place brings back memories!” Saria sighed, walking up to the spot where Jabu Jabu once was seven years ago. Surprisingly, the entire fountain was not frozen.
“Memories of you eating the Zora’s guardian god,” Navi muttered. “I’m surprised they didn’t arrest you.”
Sheik suddenly appeared out of no where holding a treasure chest, “ACTUALLY, I overheard them saying they were so glad he was gone before they all got frozen.”
“What are you doing here?”
“The authoress decided that she wasn’t going to put in Ice Cavern because she didn’t want to, so she had me go through it myself and take this dumb chest to you instead.” Sheik put the chest down and sighed. “I have no idea what’s inside it, but it’s really heavy.”
“Why did all the Zoras get frozen?” Link asked.
“Ganondorf first just frozen the domain so they couldn’t eat, but then he realized he’d already used that on the Gorons so he defrosted the water, waited for all the Zoras to go in for fish and then froze it again so they got stuck. Since King Zora never gets off his lazy butt, Ganondorf just trapped him in a block of magic ice.”
“HA!” Link pointed at Navi in the face. “I knew it was magic!”
“Whatever!” Navi yelled.
“King Zora is lazy in a very strange way,” Saria stated. “He never stands up, but he never sleeps.”
“How do you know if he never sleeps?”
“I KNOW STUFF!”
“Let’s see what’s in the chest!” Link said. He opened the chest up.
Link got the Iron Boots!
“No wonder,” Sheik muttered.
“Hey! There are two pairs!” Link exclaimed.
“Even more no wonder.”
“Saria! Catch!” Link held up the smaller second pair.
“EEEEEK!! NO!!” Saria screamed. “Those are iron, you idiot!”
“Actually, they’re only iron on the bottom…”
“Shut up.” Saria took the pair from him. “What the crap? They aren’t heavy!”
“????” Sheik stared. “Then…” He looked into the chest. It was filled with weights. “WHAT THE FREAK!”
“The Iron Boots are only supposed to be heavy when you’re wearing them! It makes them easier to carry!” the authoress said. “I was just trying to make you think they were heavy.”
Sheik groaned.
Link suddenly got a Miniature Flamethrower!
Everybody stared.
“Uhh… What the heck…” Link stammered.
“Since you need to go into Ice Cavern in order to get Blue Fire, I just gave you a miniature flamethrower for Blue Fire, it melts magic ice,” the authoress told him. “Oh, and here’s the Heart Piece you missed.”
Link got a Heart Piece!
“This is all happening so suddenly and quickly…” Saria mumbled. “…*Hey! Let’s go thaw out King Zora and get the eyedrops so that I can fix the sword.”
“Wait! You have to learn the Serenade of Water first so you can warp to the temple.”
“Okay! Fine! Hurry up though!”
Sheik played the Serenade of Water on his harp. Saria repeated the song.
“OKAY! SWORD! NOW!!” Saria didn’t even give Sheik a chance to disappear before she did.
“…” Everybody was silent.
Back in the freezing cold Zora’s Domain…
“I’MA FIRIN’ MAH FIRE!” Link yelled. He fired some Blue Fire at the frozen King Zora and the ice thawed out immediantly.
King Zora didn’t even notice at first. He just started doing his normal animation.
“Umm…*Hello?”
“Oh--I’ve come back to life! Was it you who saved me?” King Zora asked, finally noticing them.
“Yep!”
“Don’t be nervous!”
“I’m not!”
“We’re going to the Water Temple,” Navi told King Zora.
“The Water Temple?” he started. “It looks like you have a hard time breathing underwater.”
“What?”
“As an expression of my gratitude, I grant you this tunic. With this, you won’t choke underwater.”
Link and Saria got Zora Tunics!
“…*And again, they’re designed in our exact clothing,” Saria stated.
“Yep!” King Zora spoke. “Princess Ruto has gone to the temple of Lake Hylia and has not come back…*I’m so worried…*again!”
“How would you know that? You’ve been frozen this whole time!” Navi said.
“She left before they all got frozen under the water.”
“WHOA WHOA WHOA!” Saria yelled. “What the crap? The domain was supposed to be frozen and Sheik was supposed to save Princess Ruto from the ice.”
“It had to make sense, okay?!” the authoress told her. “Because if King Zora had been frozen the whole time, then he wouldn’t and couldn’t know if Ruto had gone.”
“By the way, a Goron on Death Mountain needs eyedrops.” Saria handed the prescription to King Zora.
“Ooh…*This is…*well…*hmmm… Hmmm…*Eyedrops…” King Zora spoke as he read the prescription. “You might say we have them, you might say we don’t… We do have the ingredients. If you take the ingredients to the doctor at the lake laboratory, he can make the drops for you. But you need to deliver them fresh…*Can you make it before they spoil?”
CAN THEY MAKE IT BEFORE THEY SPOIL?
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!
---
I'm laughing as I fix the chapter. Now this is getting funny for me
We're halfway through OoT now!
(There's a lot of asterisks... I still wonder why it does that.)
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
Awsome!
onebizarrekai
gay energy
yaaaaaaay~
EDIT: The edited Dark Link scene lies ahead.
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 10: Everybody Loves the Water Temple
Previously on The Legend of Crap, nothing important happened. Seriously.
Now for Chapter Ten, where hopefully something will happen.
“Man, the last chapter was so boring!” Saria exclaimed. “I am so glad we’re in a new one now.”
“SO! CAN YOU DELIVER THE INGREDIENTS BEFORE THEY SPOIL?” King Zora asked dramatically.
“YES!”
Saria used the Prescription and received an Eyeball Frog!
“Be sure to deliver it while it’s cold!” King Zora reminded her.
“While it’s cold? This is a living thing!”
“GO DELIVER THEM!”
“Okay okay okay!”
-
-
At the Lakeside Laboratory…
“Here! Eyeball frog! Eyedrops now!” Saria yelled, shoving the frog in the ugly man’s face.
“Oh, wow! I haven’t seen an Eyeball Frog like this since Zora’s Domain froze over!” the man exclaimed. “These eyeballs are so delicious! Tonight I will cook fried eyeballs for the first time in a long time! Uhoy hoy hoo houy hoy! Such great stuff! Please say thank you to King Zora!”
“I SAID EYEDROPS!”
“Eh? What? These are for making Biggoron’s eyedrops? Oh, how disappointing! You should have said so in the first place!”
“I DID.”
“Okay, I’ll make it.”
Five minutes later…
“Here it is. This medicine doesn’t have any preservatives in it. So it won’t last long at this temperature,” the ugly man told them.
“I didn’t know preservatives existed yet,” Link stated.
“Can’t we just put it in a Pack It or something?” Saria said.
“Those don’t exist yet,” the man replied.
“Okay, I’m officially confused,” Link muttered. “Everything’s all out of order… Seriously, like, phone booths exist, preservatives exist, soda exists, but this game takes place in like, 1101.” (Note: I don't actually know, obviously)
“It’s a parody, mah boi. A parody.” The man took the eyedrops out of a refrigerator.
“There’s another thing to add to my list…” Link took out a notepad and a pen.
“Run as fast as you can to Death Mountain. You’re young--you can do it!”
Saria traded the Eyeball Frog for the World’s Finest Eyedrops!
“ALL RIGHT!! I CAN FINALLY GET MY SWORD!” Saria exclaimed. She snatched the eyedrops and dashed out of the room.
-
-
Once Saria finally got to the top of Death Mountain, there was only had 10 seconds left.
“MY EYEDROPS!” Biggoron yelled. He snatched the tiny bottle and dripped them into his eyes. The dripping echoed throughout all of Death Mountain.
Link pulled himself onto the top of the mountain, “How the heck did you get up here so quickly…?”
“I want my sword,” Saria replied harshly.
“Okay, okay, sheesh…”
“Wow!” Biggoron exclaimed. “This is fantastic! It’s working great! Now I can get back to my blade business! My work is not very consistent, so I’ll give this to you so you won’t forget.”
Saria got a Claim Check for the Biggoron’s Sword!
“Come back here in a few days. It’ll be done then. Wait patiently.”
“A few days?!” Saria yelled. “Time passes way slower in this story than in the actual game!”
“What about the Sun’s Song?” Link suggested.
“No!” Navi told them. “We can’t waste time like that. We should go complete the Water Temple while we wait.”
“Are you sure?” Saria asked her. “The Water Temple sounds muito feroz.”
“Saria, we’ve been waiting two chapters to go there. We are going now.”
“Fine!”
“And also, I am not going to put up with you acting this way throughout the entire chapter. Maniac Saria completes the story!”
Link played the Serenade of Water and they appeared at Lake Hylia.
“Wait… Couldn’t we have just used that to get here before?” Saria asked.
“No,” the authoress told her. “They made the game so that if you use warping songs, your timer zooms down to 1 second so you don’t cheat.”
“Here! Saria! Coco-Cola!” Navi said, struggling to hold of a big bottle of soda.
“Where did you get that?” Saria questioned.
“I don’t know. Take it already.”
So Saria drank half the container of the Coco-Cola. Link drank the rest.
“It’s time…” Navi paused. “… For the Water Temple.”
Thunder rumbled fiercely in the background.
“Okay, now I’m scared,” Link stated. “I hope we’re not in there for a long time.”
“Don’t worry. All we need to do is get the item, break into the boss room and kill the boss and we’re done,” Navi said.
“I have a bad feeling the item is going to take forever to find,” Saria muttered.
There were a few moments of silence.
“Sooo…” Link started. “Where’s the temple?”
“I think it’s at the bottom of the lake,” Navi spoke.
“Now I see why King Zora gave us these clothes,” Saria stated. “All right, let’s just dive down. I’ll climb up this tree to get a good start--”
“Saria…” Navi poked her a bit. “Swimming underwater won’t exist until Twilight Princess.”
“Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?”
“That’s why you got the Iron Boots.”
“So in the game you have to keep pausing it and unpausing it constantly when moving around under the water?! That is such a waste of time.”
“Be glad that you don’t have to.”
“Whatever!” Saria climbed the tree.
“WAIT! The lake only has 10 feet of water!”
“What the crap! Ugh.” Saria put the Iron Boots on, jumped off the tree and sank to the bottom of the remaining water in the lake.
Link put the Iron Boots on, “I don’t know if I want to do this or not…”
“Come on, Link!” Navi yelled. She pushed him into the lake and he fell into the water.
“How are you breathing underwater?” Link asked Navi.
“Better question: How are you talking underwater?”
“Must be these tunics.”
“I’m magical.”
“Dude, there’s a gate over the door,” Saria complained. “How did Ruto get in?”
“She must have locked the door behind her, just like Darunia.”
“Look! A switch!” Link exclaimed. He took out the Hookshot and fired at the switch. It came out and the door opened.
“… Well. That was sudden.”
So they entered into the Water Temple…
-
-
“Oh crappy derp muffins,” Saria muttered once they entered the main room.
Yes, the horribleness. A main room with many entrances to other rooms everywhere.
“This is horrifying,” Navi stated.
“And I can’t believe we’re just going to be left behind as the authoress skips all of the horribleness of us getting lost over and over again,” Saria said.
One room later…
“!!! You people!” Ruto gasped.
“How long have you been here…?” Saria asked.
“I don’t know. Whatever, that doesn’t matter. But now that you’re here, I can go get captured so you have to do all the work!” Ruto swam up and was gone.
“What the crap…”
So after many, many horrible puzzles, and I’m being serious, this temple is hard, they all got to the mini boss room.
“SEE!! I knew it! Skipped us right over!” Saria yelled.
“Are there no walls here?” Link wondered, walking as far as he could. “The air is hard here.” He followed it all the way across the room.
“Dude, your shadow just disappeared when you walked past that tree,” Navi stated.
“Really?” Link turned around. “Are we in a different dimension all of a sudden?”
(Edited stuff -->)“Heh heh heh heh heh heh…” a laughing came out of no where. A dark figure popped out of the ground.
“What are you?”
“Seriously? What are you? Wouldn’t who be a little more polite?” A dark-looking version of Link was near the tree, sitting in a fancy chair.
“Excuse me, I didn’t know that you were a person.”
“But monsters can’t talk, anyway, so what would be the point of asking what they are?”
“…*Yes they can,” Saria told him. “Most of the ones we’ve run into can talk…”
“Huh. Strange, I never thought that they could talk…*They were always quiet around me…”
“So, mind answering the question we asked before?”
The person stood up, “Oh, I’m just a shadow of Link sent out to kill you guys. The dark version of the girl would’ve been sent too, but she was too pathetic and was too scared to even hold a sword. In fact, she got fired yesterday!”
Saria raised an eyebrow, “So she’s the exact opposite of me? Huh.”
“Wait a minute, if you’re supposed to be my dark side or whatever…” Link started, walking over to Dark Link, “How are you taller than me?”
There was a long pause.
“Um, no comment…” he answered.
“But it doesn’t make sense! You can’t just say no comment!” Link yelled.
“LET’S DO SOMETHING RECKLESS!!” a black fairy shouted, flying out from behind Dark Link’s chair.
“Shut up,” Dark ordered, swatting the fairy away.
“Oh, I see!” Navi exclaimed. “So that fairy is reckless and stupid, right? That sounds like the exact opposite of me!”
“Well, she still seems to be the same when it comes to levels of annoying…” Saria muttered.
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
“Well, are you going to fight me or decide that I’m a character so this doesn’t become more violent than it already is?” Dark asked.
“Okay, I have one question.”
“What?”
“Why the heck were you on a chair?”
“To make me look awesome, duh. Now why is that guy still standing over there? I could attack him at any moment…” Dark eyed Link, who was standing right next to him.
“Aw, but he seems like a nice person, I don’t wanna defeat him!” Link stated. Dark raised an eyebrow. “And he looks way to much like a person, not a mini boss!”
“Is Link having another idiotic moment?” Navi wondered. “Link, hurry up and get away from him before the authoress gets some funny ideas!”
“Hahaha! Like what?”
“Oh, right, Link probably doesn’t know what I’m talking about…”
“What are you talking about--”
“Hehe,” Dark laughed, shoving Link to the floor forward and jumping onto him. “I got you, Hero of Time!”
“OH GODDESSES!! MY DARK SIDE IS DESTROYING ME SLOWLY BY THE POWER OF AWKWARD HUGS!!!”
O______o
“Wow, he’s stupider than I thought…” Dark stated.
“Trust me, he used to be much worse than this,” Navi told him. “Now get off him before the parody police arrest you for breaking the rule of this story.”
“Rules? There were never any rules.”
“Yeah, Navi,” Saria said.
“Oh come on, guys! Look at the position their in!” Navi shouted.
Insert awkward position on the ground here.
“I don’t see the problem,” Dark said, wrapping his arms around Link.
“Get off…” Link mumbled, twitching. “Saria, do something!”
“Nah, I think I’m just gonna watch and see what he does,” Saria stated.
“Seriously?!”
“GUYS!! You know that this doesn’t even make sense in the first place!” Navi yelled.
“Says who?” Dark asked.
“ME! NOW BE A MINI BOSS AND FIGHT!!”
“You said it girl!” the Navi shadow from before said.
“Aw, but this is hilarious!” Saria stated, laughing. “I don’t want him to die! For once!”
“All right then, how about we just pass on through here instead, then?” Link suggested, trying to get Dark off him.
“Aw, but it’s so comfortable here,” Dark said, clinging to him some more.
“CREEP!”
“Wow! Link has common sense for once!” Saria exclaimed. “I would write this down, but I don’t have anything to write on or with…”
“All right, fine,” Dark spoke, sighing and standing up. Link jumped up and hid behind Saria. “Just go pass already. Regardless of the fact that I’m evil and I was sent to kill you by Ganondorf, you guys are pretty cool so you can live. I’m not scared of him anyway.”
The door of the opposite side of the room opened.
“Later people, I’ll find you at some point!” Dark snapped his fingers and he and the chair disappeared.
“Find us…?” Link asked with a scared look on his face. “That doesn’t sound good…”
“Ah, let’s just go get the item already,” Navi said.
“I would’ve preferred it if he actually was a mini boss and I got to fight him, though, rather than him being some creep…”
“Don’t worry Link, you can kill the boss!” Saria said, snickering.
“THAT DOESN’T HELP. BUT I’LL STILL DO IT.”
Suddenly the endless looking room transformed into a normal room.
“AH HA! It was an illusion,” Navi stated.
In the next room, there was a treasure chest.
“Oh goody!” Link exclaimed, completely changing moods. He ran over to it and flipped the lid open. (end edited scene)
Link got the Longshot!
“I think it’s a lengthened version of the Hookshot.” Link fired it across the room. It went twice as far as the Hookshot.
“Gimme that,” Saria told him, snatching it. “I have better aim and you already have the Hookshot.”
“But that one is longer!”
“As I said, I have better aim.”
Once they were right in front of the door that lead to the boss door…
“All right, knowing this temple, there is going to be something horribly annoying past this point,” Navi stated.
“How do you know that? There’s never been anything before a boss door,” Saria said. They went through the door. “Oh crap muffins.”
Yes. Behind the door was an incline with three spike traps going over it.
“Oh my freakin’ Din…” Navi muttered.
“Naaaaavvviii…” Link complained. “Can’t you fly us up?”
“Heck no! I can’t even hold a bottle of soda!”
“Oh Nayru, I wish that peacock from Chapter Two would come back.”
“Baaa,” the peacock said, appearing out of no where. It turned into an airplane and lifted them all up.
“Thanks Kevin!” Link waved as the plane as it broke the door and flew out.
“Kevin?” Saria and Navi asked at the same time.
“Is that really the situation right now? It was the first name I thought of.”
They sighed.
Saria started picking the lock. It fell on top of Link again.
“Link, stop standing wherever the lock happens to fall,” Navi told him.
“Well excuuuuu--” Link started.
“Please do not bring that up.” Navi pulled him into the boss room with Saria following.
“Muahahahahaha! I am evil!” Morpha, the boss, laughed. He was a red ball in a big blob of water. It shaped into Barney the purple dinosaur. “Hey, kids!”
“NOO!! Barney!! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!” Link screamed, falling to his knees.
Saria used the Longshot to pull the red ball out of the water and stabbed it. Morpha died.
“That was quick,” Navi stated.
They then went into the blue light and appeared in the Chamber of Sages.
“Oh, hi. Yeah, I’m the Sage of Water,” Ruto said. “Whatever. I have to guard the Water Temple, blah blah blah, as the Sage of Water… And you’re searching for Princess Zelda, right?”
“No,” Saria replied.
“Whatever. Take the medallion.”
Link got the Water Medallion!
“So I’m guessing there’s some kind of addition to this one too?” Navi asked. “Like the Forest Medallion being minty and the Fire Medallion being warm?”
“If you put this one in the washing machine, it makes sure all your clothes come out sparkling clean,” Ruto stated.
“Hey! They’re supposed to be pretty much useless!” Rauru yelled.
“I know. Washing machines don’t exist yet.”
“Oh, I see where you’re going.”
“What’s down that really deep pit?” Link questioned, looking down from the platform they were on.
“Invisible floor.”
“How come Darunia is still here?”
“Because the Sages have to stay here until their time has come.”
“I’m booooooorrrrred,” Darunia complained. “Can someone get me a DS or something?”
“The Light Medallion doesn’t do anything,” Link said, holding it out.
“That’s because I couldn’t think of anything to do with it to make it useless. If I made it glow, than you could use it to help you see in dark places. Now get out. You’ve been here long enough.”
“Why does my script in the game say stuff about marriage and proposal?” Ruto asked, holding a piece of paper.
“SHUT UP AND LET THE CHAPTER END ALREADY!!”
“Well sorry.”
And Link, Navi and Saria were teleported out of the Chamber of Sages.
----
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 11: This is Wrong in So Many Ways
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link named a magic peacock Kevin, no comment on Navi, Saria killed both Dark Link and Dark Saria with Maxwell’s Silver Hammer and the Water Temple was completed. YAY!
Now for Chapter Eleven.
“Can you believe it? I’ve been boring throughout the entire story,” Navi said. “The authoress never has anything to say about me.”
“I can see why,” Saria replied. “You never do anything fun.”
“Well, that’s because--”
“HEY! I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!” Link yelled. “Saria, you said I could kill the Water Temple boss!”
“You fell to your knees and cried when you saw it!” Saria told him.
“I’m going to kill the next boss for sure!”
“According to what Sheik said when we first went into the future, the next temple is in the house of the dead, whatever that is,” Navi stated, holding a miniature notepad.
“WAIT! I have to go check if my sword is done!” Saria said. She took out her ocarina and started playing the Bolero of Fire.
“Hold it, Saria! You’re wearing Zora tunics!”
“So you expect me to just go the long way?”
“No, I expect you to change first.”
“Changing?” Saria made a face. “That’ll take too long.”
“So you would rather just take the long way and hike all the way to the top of Death Mountain?”
“Meh.”
Suddenly all the water in Lake Hylia came back.
“Umm…*Shouldn’t that have happened earlier?”
“Look! It’s Sheik,” Link stated, pointing at Sheik who had appeared out of no where.
“Since the curse on the Water Temple has been lifted, the water has returned to the lake,” Sheik said.
“We can tell,” Navi replied. “Do you know where we’re supposed to go next?”
“Well--”
“Wait wait! Let me guess!” Saria interrupted. “Umm…*House of the dead…*Uh, dead, dead, death, graveyard… Kakariko Village!”
“That was fast. By the way, how many Heart Pieces have you collected?”
“…*Umm…*Why?”
“Because the next temple is really easy to die in and confusing. Invisible floors, fake walls, talking paintings, creepy background music, invisible spinning blades, wallmasters, mazes, torture chambers, et cetera et cetera.”
“Does this mean we should get more Heart Pieces first?” Link asked.
“Well, if you feel confident then you can go just the way you are…” Sheik tossed a Deku Nut and supposedly disappeared.
“!!! Look! He’s in the tree! I knew he couldn’t disappear that fast!” Saria exclaimed, looking up in the tree.
Sheik jumped into the water and was gone.
“Okay, what the heck…”
All of a sudden, the sun started rising.
“That was the shortest night ever,” Link said.
“This stone says to shoot the sun when it starts to rise with an arrow and something will happen,” Saria stated. She took Link’s bow and shot the sun. An arrow fell onto an island on a distance.
“…*What’s that?” Link swam over to it and picked it up.
Link got Fire Arrows!
“…*Does this mean that we can now shoot flaming arrows?”
“I sure hope so!” Saria yelled from the other island. Link swam back. “Let me try it!” Saria fired a Fire Arrow and there was a fire explosion once it hit something. “Awesome! It’s like miniature Din’s Fire! Now let’s go get the sword.”
At Kakariko Village…
“OH MY FARORE THE VILLAGE IS ON FIRE!” Link screamed.
“Maybe Death Mountain erupted,” Navi said.
“Hey! There’s Sheik!” Saria exclaimed. Link ran up to him.
“Get back, Link!” Sheik yelled. The wooden thing above the well(the thing that buckets hang from when people get water) flew off and hit Link, knocking him unconscious. “I warned you!”
“You do know he can’t hear you, right?”
“Shut up. GET UP!” Sheik shook Link like crazy.
“Doughnuts…*Pie…*Banana bread oatmeal…” Link mumbled, soon dozing off again.
“Let me handle this,” Navi spoke. “LINK! HOLY CRAP! A FREE CREAM PUFF STAND!”
Link shot up immediantly. “LOL WUT?”
“Heh… Just kidding.”
“What?!”
“If you forget what I just said, I’ll give you this cupcake.” Navi held out a cupcake.
“Okay!” Link took it and began to nibble on it.
Suddenly a giant purple cloud came out of the well.
“What is that thing?!” Saria yelled.
“An evil spirit!” Sheik replied. “It has escaped!”
“IT’S A GIANT POOF!” Link exclaimed as the purple cloud flew all over the village, catching flames and putting them on other buildings, making the fire worse. The lookout tower collapsed.
“Wait a minute…*If it just escaped, how was the village in flames before?” Navi asked.
“I don’t know, maybe Death Mountain erupted or something, it was like this when I got here,” Sheik answered.
The purple cloud flew into Link, knocking him unconscious again. It stole his cupcake and flew into the graveyard.
A few minutes later, once Link woke up…
“Link, a terrible thing has happened!” Sheik told Link.
“The giant poof stole my cupcake!” Link said.
“No…*It’s an evil shadow spirit and it just escaped.”
“And stole my cupcake.”
“Shut up. Impa, the leader of Kakariko Village, had sealed the evil shadow spirit in the bottom of the well… But the force of the evil spirit got so strong, the seal of the well broke, and it escaped into the world!”
“Don’t you mean escaped into the graveyard?” Saria asked.
“Wait a second…” a random villager walked up to them. “You mean an evil shadow spirit has been sealed in the place where we get water?”
“Yeah, so?” Sheik replied.
“Dude, that is wrong in so many ways…”
“Wasn’t this village just in flames?” Link questioned.
“It started raining all of a sudden,” Sheik told him. “Now shut up. I believe Impa has gone to the Shadow Temple to seal it again, but she will be in danger without any help.”
“Umm…*The shadow spirit just escaped…” Navi stated. “How could she be in the Shadow Temple already trying to seal it again?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“By the way, who the heck is Impa exactly?”
“Impa is one of the six sages.”
“How? We just heard of her right now. You’d think that it would be somebody from the past like the other three before.”
“Well you’re the one who decided to run away from my-- I mean Princess Zelda’s speech in Chapter 2. You would’ve met her then.”
“People don’t want to read boring speeches that were ripped straight from the game.”
“Go beat the Shadow Temple already now. But in order to enter the temple, you have to play this song. This is the melody that will draw you into the infinite darkness that even absorbs time, the Nocturne of Shadows!” Sheik took his harp out and played the song. Saria repeated it on her ocarina.
“The melody that draws you into infinite darkness? How is that helpful?” Saria asked.
“I mean the Shadow Temple. That place is doom, but thankfully not as doomful as the Water Temple. I’ll see you again.” Sheik threw a Deku Nut and vanished.
-
-
“Hello there Biggoron! Is my sword done?” Saria asked Biggoron.
“Yep! This is my finest work ever!” Biggoron replied. “Take it!”
Saria finally got the Biggoron’s Sword!
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!” Saria screamed and did a little dance. “I’m so happy!”
“Holy crap, that thing is like four feet long!” Navi exclaimed.
“And holy crap, I got my sword! Let’s go to the Shadow Temple so I can test it!”
Link played the Nocturne of Shadows and they appeared at the graveyard, on a platform they previously could not reach.
“Cool. I didn’t know this part of the graveyard existed,” Link stated. “In we go!”
But instead of immediantly entering the temple, there were a bunch of torches and a giant door with an eye on it in the back of the room.
“Wait wait wait, I think I know what to do!” Saria walked into the middle of the room and used Din’s Fire. All the torches were lit and the door opened. “Yay!” Saria ran through the door.
“Wow, she’s really pumped,” Navi said, following after her. Link slowly followed.
Once they walked in, they found Saria across a pit, staring at a creepy painting. “I don’t get it, it’s a dead end.”
“One who gains the eye of truth will be able to see what is hidden in the darkness…” the painting whispered.
“What’s the eye of truth?”
“Hey, I know! Let’s get out of here and find it!” Link suggested, shivering madly. “Besides, we have a better chance of not dying!”
“Good idea, Link! Let’s check the well!”
“Wait, what?”
-
-
Before Link knew it, they were back at Kakariko Village with Saria climbing down into the empty well.
“Umm…*There’s a giant rock covering the entrance…” Saria stated.
“Hey! I know! Let’s go in the past!” Link said.
“That might not even be such a bad idea…” Navi spoke. “Come on! Let’s go put the Master Sword back!”
“Whaaaaat! I don’t wanna lose my awesome sword!” Saria complained, climbing out of the well.
“You’ll get it back once we go into the future again. You’ll still have it when we go to the Shadow Temple.”
“Fine fine.”
“WAIT!” Link yelled. He ran into the windmill and came back out. “I just learned a new song!”
“Uh…*Okay…” Saria played the Prelude of Light and they appeared back in the Temple of Time.
“Good bye future!” Link said, putting the Master Sword back. The same blue light surrounded them.
They appeared in the Temple of Time seven years in the past.
“I’m a little boy again!” Link cheered.
“And I haven’t changed at all,” Saria muttered.
“I’m eleven again!” Navi stated.
“Eleven? How come you never said your age before?”
“I didn’t feel the need to.”
Link played the Nocturne of Shadow and they appeared at the graveyard. Link climbed over the fence that prevented them from getting onto the ledge and ran out as quickly as possible.
“Is it just me or is he more hyper now that he’s a kid again?” Saria asked.
“I think that now that he’s ten again, he feels he has permisson to be immature,” Navi replied.
“Whatever, let’s just go to the well.”
-
-
“The well is filled with water…” Link stated. “Hey! I know! I’ll go play that song I learned from the windmill man in the future to the windmill man in the past!” He ran into the windmill. The sails began to spin very fast and the well drained. Link walked back out.
“Link, how the heck do you always know what to do?” Navi asked.
“Magic!” Link hopped into the well, ignoring the pain it caused him. “Check it out! The well isn’t covered anymore!” He ran in.
“I can’t believe that he went into the well first.”
Saria climbed into the well and ran in after Link. She saw him crawling through a hole. “He is really excited now…” She crawled in after him.
“ADVENTURE TIME!!” Link cheered. “ADVENTURE TIME! C’MON GRAB YOUR FRIENDS! AS WE GO TO VERY DISTANT LANDS! LINK, SARIA AND NAVI THE FAIRY THE FUN WILL NEVER END IT’S ADVENTURE TIME!!”
Saria coughed. “It smells like dead people and zombies in here!”
“SPIDER!! EEEK!” Link hid behind Saria when a Big Skulltula dropped down.
Saria stabbed the spider when it stupidly turned around and it died immediantly.
Link ran over to the wall immediantly. “Huh? It’s a dead end!”
“I can hear the spirits whispering in this room,” Navi said. “They say look for the eye of truth.”
Link ignored Navi’s comment and began to feel the wall. His hand went through it. “OHMIGOSH!”
“I think that wall is fake,” Saria told him.
“COOL!” Link walked through it. “Wow!” Saria and Navi followed him.
Navi looked all over the area they had just entered. There were skeletions, piles of flesh and dirt, and moldy walls. A flying skull on fire flew past them. “This is wrong in so many ways,” Navi muttered.
---
I would put up three chapters, but I think that would get boring to read everything. I know it happens to me when something is long enough :\
EDIT: The edited Dark Link scene lies ahead.
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 10: Everybody Loves the Water Temple
Previously on The Legend of Crap, nothing important happened. Seriously.
Now for Chapter Ten, where hopefully something will happen.
“Man, the last chapter was so boring!” Saria exclaimed. “I am so glad we’re in a new one now.”
“SO! CAN YOU DELIVER THE INGREDIENTS BEFORE THEY SPOIL?” King Zora asked dramatically.
“YES!”
Saria used the Prescription and received an Eyeball Frog!
“Be sure to deliver it while it’s cold!” King Zora reminded her.
“While it’s cold? This is a living thing!”
“GO DELIVER THEM!”
“Okay okay okay!”
-
-
At the Lakeside Laboratory…
“Here! Eyeball frog! Eyedrops now!” Saria yelled, shoving the frog in the ugly man’s face.
“Oh, wow! I haven’t seen an Eyeball Frog like this since Zora’s Domain froze over!” the man exclaimed. “These eyeballs are so delicious! Tonight I will cook fried eyeballs for the first time in a long time! Uhoy hoy hoo houy hoy! Such great stuff! Please say thank you to King Zora!”
“I SAID EYEDROPS!”
“Eh? What? These are for making Biggoron’s eyedrops? Oh, how disappointing! You should have said so in the first place!”
“I DID.”
“Okay, I’ll make it.”
Five minutes later…
“Here it is. This medicine doesn’t have any preservatives in it. So it won’t last long at this temperature,” the ugly man told them.
“I didn’t know preservatives existed yet,” Link stated.
“Can’t we just put it in a Pack It or something?” Saria said.
“Those don’t exist yet,” the man replied.
“Okay, I’m officially confused,” Link muttered. “Everything’s all out of order… Seriously, like, phone booths exist, preservatives exist, soda exists, but this game takes place in like, 1101.” (Note: I don't actually know, obviously)
“It’s a parody, mah boi. A parody.” The man took the eyedrops out of a refrigerator.
“There’s another thing to add to my list…” Link took out a notepad and a pen.
“Run as fast as you can to Death Mountain. You’re young--you can do it!”
Saria traded the Eyeball Frog for the World’s Finest Eyedrops!
“ALL RIGHT!! I CAN FINALLY GET MY SWORD!” Saria exclaimed. She snatched the eyedrops and dashed out of the room.
-
-
Once Saria finally got to the top of Death Mountain, there was only had 10 seconds left.
“MY EYEDROPS!” Biggoron yelled. He snatched the tiny bottle and dripped them into his eyes. The dripping echoed throughout all of Death Mountain.
Link pulled himself onto the top of the mountain, “How the heck did you get up here so quickly…?”
“I want my sword,” Saria replied harshly.
“Okay, okay, sheesh…”
“Wow!” Biggoron exclaimed. “This is fantastic! It’s working great! Now I can get back to my blade business! My work is not very consistent, so I’ll give this to you so you won’t forget.”
Saria got a Claim Check for the Biggoron’s Sword!
“Come back here in a few days. It’ll be done then. Wait patiently.”
“A few days?!” Saria yelled. “Time passes way slower in this story than in the actual game!”
“What about the Sun’s Song?” Link suggested.
“No!” Navi told them. “We can’t waste time like that. We should go complete the Water Temple while we wait.”
“Are you sure?” Saria asked her. “The Water Temple sounds muito feroz.”
“Saria, we’ve been waiting two chapters to go there. We are going now.”
“Fine!”
“And also, I am not going to put up with you acting this way throughout the entire chapter. Maniac Saria completes the story!”
Link played the Serenade of Water and they appeared at Lake Hylia.
“Wait… Couldn’t we have just used that to get here before?” Saria asked.
“No,” the authoress told her. “They made the game so that if you use warping songs, your timer zooms down to 1 second so you don’t cheat.”
“Here! Saria! Coco-Cola!” Navi said, struggling to hold of a big bottle of soda.
“Where did you get that?” Saria questioned.
“I don’t know. Take it already.”
So Saria drank half the container of the Coco-Cola. Link drank the rest.
“It’s time…” Navi paused. “… For the Water Temple.”
Thunder rumbled fiercely in the background.
“Okay, now I’m scared,” Link stated. “I hope we’re not in there for a long time.”
“Don’t worry. All we need to do is get the item, break into the boss room and kill the boss and we’re done,” Navi said.
“I have a bad feeling the item is going to take forever to find,” Saria muttered.
There were a few moments of silence.
“Sooo…” Link started. “Where’s the temple?”
“I think it’s at the bottom of the lake,” Navi spoke.
“Now I see why King Zora gave us these clothes,” Saria stated. “All right, let’s just dive down. I’ll climb up this tree to get a good start--”
“Saria…” Navi poked her a bit. “Swimming underwater won’t exist until Twilight Princess.”
“Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?”
“That’s why you got the Iron Boots.”
“So in the game you have to keep pausing it and unpausing it constantly when moving around under the water?! That is such a waste of time.”
“Be glad that you don’t have to.”
“Whatever!” Saria climbed the tree.
“WAIT! The lake only has 10 feet of water!”
“What the crap! Ugh.” Saria put the Iron Boots on, jumped off the tree and sank to the bottom of the remaining water in the lake.
Link put the Iron Boots on, “I don’t know if I want to do this or not…”
“Come on, Link!” Navi yelled. She pushed him into the lake and he fell into the water.
“How are you breathing underwater?” Link asked Navi.
“Better question: How are you talking underwater?”
“Must be these tunics.”
“I’m magical.”
“Dude, there’s a gate over the door,” Saria complained. “How did Ruto get in?”
“She must have locked the door behind her, just like Darunia.”
“Look! A switch!” Link exclaimed. He took out the Hookshot and fired at the switch. It came out and the door opened.
“… Well. That was sudden.”
So they entered into the Water Temple…
-
-
“Oh crappy derp muffins,” Saria muttered once they entered the main room.
Yes, the horribleness. A main room with many entrances to other rooms everywhere.
“This is horrifying,” Navi stated.
“And I can’t believe we’re just going to be left behind as the authoress skips all of the horribleness of us getting lost over and over again,” Saria said.
One room later…
“!!! You people!” Ruto gasped.
“How long have you been here…?” Saria asked.
“I don’t know. Whatever, that doesn’t matter. But now that you’re here, I can go get captured so you have to do all the work!” Ruto swam up and was gone.
“What the crap…”
So after many, many horrible puzzles, and I’m being serious, this temple is hard, they all got to the mini boss room.
“SEE!! I knew it! Skipped us right over!” Saria yelled.
“Are there no walls here?” Link wondered, walking as far as he could. “The air is hard here.” He followed it all the way across the room.
“Dude, your shadow just disappeared when you walked past that tree,” Navi stated.
“Really?” Link turned around. “Are we in a different dimension all of a sudden?”
(Edited stuff -->)“Heh heh heh heh heh heh…” a laughing came out of no where. A dark figure popped out of the ground.
“What are you?”
“Seriously? What are you? Wouldn’t who be a little more polite?” A dark-looking version of Link was near the tree, sitting in a fancy chair.
“Excuse me, I didn’t know that you were a person.”
“But monsters can’t talk, anyway, so what would be the point of asking what they are?”
“…*Yes they can,” Saria told him. “Most of the ones we’ve run into can talk…”
“Huh. Strange, I never thought that they could talk…*They were always quiet around me…”
“So, mind answering the question we asked before?”
The person stood up, “Oh, I’m just a shadow of Link sent out to kill you guys. The dark version of the girl would’ve been sent too, but she was too pathetic and was too scared to even hold a sword. In fact, she got fired yesterday!”
Saria raised an eyebrow, “So she’s the exact opposite of me? Huh.”
“Wait a minute, if you’re supposed to be my dark side or whatever…” Link started, walking over to Dark Link, “How are you taller than me?”
There was a long pause.
“Um, no comment…” he answered.
“But it doesn’t make sense! You can’t just say no comment!” Link yelled.
“LET’S DO SOMETHING RECKLESS!!” a black fairy shouted, flying out from behind Dark Link’s chair.
“Shut up,” Dark ordered, swatting the fairy away.
“Oh, I see!” Navi exclaimed. “So that fairy is reckless and stupid, right? That sounds like the exact opposite of me!”
“Well, she still seems to be the same when it comes to levels of annoying…” Saria muttered.
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
“Well, are you going to fight me or decide that I’m a character so this doesn’t become more violent than it already is?” Dark asked.
“Okay, I have one question.”
“What?”
“Why the heck were you on a chair?”
“To make me look awesome, duh. Now why is that guy still standing over there? I could attack him at any moment…” Dark eyed Link, who was standing right next to him.
“Aw, but he seems like a nice person, I don’t wanna defeat him!” Link stated. Dark raised an eyebrow. “And he looks way to much like a person, not a mini boss!”
“Is Link having another idiotic moment?” Navi wondered. “Link, hurry up and get away from him before the authoress gets some funny ideas!”
“Hahaha! Like what?”
“Oh, right, Link probably doesn’t know what I’m talking about…”
“What are you talking about--”
“Hehe,” Dark laughed, shoving Link to the floor forward and jumping onto him. “I got you, Hero of Time!”
“OH GODDESSES!! MY DARK SIDE IS DESTROYING ME SLOWLY BY THE POWER OF AWKWARD HUGS!!!”
O______o
“Wow, he’s stupider than I thought…” Dark stated.
“Trust me, he used to be much worse than this,” Navi told him. “Now get off him before the parody police arrest you for breaking the rule of this story.”
“Rules? There were never any rules.”
“Yeah, Navi,” Saria said.
“Oh come on, guys! Look at the position their in!” Navi shouted.
Insert awkward position on the ground here.
“I don’t see the problem,” Dark said, wrapping his arms around Link.
“Get off…” Link mumbled, twitching. “Saria, do something!”
“Nah, I think I’m just gonna watch and see what he does,” Saria stated.
“Seriously?!”
“GUYS!! You know that this doesn’t even make sense in the first place!” Navi yelled.
“Says who?” Dark asked.
“ME! NOW BE A MINI BOSS AND FIGHT!!”
“You said it girl!” the Navi shadow from before said.
“Aw, but this is hilarious!” Saria stated, laughing. “I don’t want him to die! For once!”
“All right then, how about we just pass on through here instead, then?” Link suggested, trying to get Dark off him.
“Aw, but it’s so comfortable here,” Dark said, clinging to him some more.
“CREEP!”
“Wow! Link has common sense for once!” Saria exclaimed. “I would write this down, but I don’t have anything to write on or with…”
“All right, fine,” Dark spoke, sighing and standing up. Link jumped up and hid behind Saria. “Just go pass already. Regardless of the fact that I’m evil and I was sent to kill you by Ganondorf, you guys are pretty cool so you can live. I’m not scared of him anyway.”
The door of the opposite side of the room opened.
“Later people, I’ll find you at some point!” Dark snapped his fingers and he and the chair disappeared.
“Find us…?” Link asked with a scared look on his face. “That doesn’t sound good…”
“Ah, let’s just go get the item already,” Navi said.
“I would’ve preferred it if he actually was a mini boss and I got to fight him, though, rather than him being some creep…”
“Don’t worry Link, you can kill the boss!” Saria said, snickering.
“THAT DOESN’T HELP. BUT I’LL STILL DO IT.”
Suddenly the endless looking room transformed into a normal room.
“AH HA! It was an illusion,” Navi stated.
In the next room, there was a treasure chest.
“Oh goody!” Link exclaimed, completely changing moods. He ran over to it and flipped the lid open. (end edited scene)
Link got the Longshot!
“I think it’s a lengthened version of the Hookshot.” Link fired it across the room. It went twice as far as the Hookshot.
“Gimme that,” Saria told him, snatching it. “I have better aim and you already have the Hookshot.”
“But that one is longer!”
“As I said, I have better aim.”
Once they were right in front of the door that lead to the boss door…
“All right, knowing this temple, there is going to be something horribly annoying past this point,” Navi stated.
“How do you know that? There’s never been anything before a boss door,” Saria said. They went through the door. “Oh crap muffins.”
Yes. Behind the door was an incline with three spike traps going over it.
“Oh my freakin’ Din…” Navi muttered.
“Naaaaavvviii…” Link complained. “Can’t you fly us up?”
“Heck no! I can’t even hold a bottle of soda!”
“Oh Nayru, I wish that peacock from Chapter Two would come back.”
“Baaa,” the peacock said, appearing out of no where. It turned into an airplane and lifted them all up.
“Thanks Kevin!” Link waved as the plane as it broke the door and flew out.
“Kevin?” Saria and Navi asked at the same time.
“Is that really the situation right now? It was the first name I thought of.”
They sighed.
Saria started picking the lock. It fell on top of Link again.
“Link, stop standing wherever the lock happens to fall,” Navi told him.
“Well excuuuuu--” Link started.
“Please do not bring that up.” Navi pulled him into the boss room with Saria following.
“Muahahahahaha! I am evil!” Morpha, the boss, laughed. He was a red ball in a big blob of water. It shaped into Barney the purple dinosaur. “Hey, kids!”
“NOO!! Barney!! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!” Link screamed, falling to his knees.
Saria used the Longshot to pull the red ball out of the water and stabbed it. Morpha died.
“That was quick,” Navi stated.
They then went into the blue light and appeared in the Chamber of Sages.
“Oh, hi. Yeah, I’m the Sage of Water,” Ruto said. “Whatever. I have to guard the Water Temple, blah blah blah, as the Sage of Water… And you’re searching for Princess Zelda, right?”
“No,” Saria replied.
“Whatever. Take the medallion.”
Link got the Water Medallion!
“So I’m guessing there’s some kind of addition to this one too?” Navi asked. “Like the Forest Medallion being minty and the Fire Medallion being warm?”
“If you put this one in the washing machine, it makes sure all your clothes come out sparkling clean,” Ruto stated.
“Hey! They’re supposed to be pretty much useless!” Rauru yelled.
“I know. Washing machines don’t exist yet.”
“Oh, I see where you’re going.”
“What’s down that really deep pit?” Link questioned, looking down from the platform they were on.
“Invisible floor.”
“How come Darunia is still here?”
“Because the Sages have to stay here until their time has come.”
“I’m booooooorrrrred,” Darunia complained. “Can someone get me a DS or something?”
“The Light Medallion doesn’t do anything,” Link said, holding it out.
“That’s because I couldn’t think of anything to do with it to make it useless. If I made it glow, than you could use it to help you see in dark places. Now get out. You’ve been here long enough.”
“Why does my script in the game say stuff about marriage and proposal?” Ruto asked, holding a piece of paper.
“SHUT UP AND LET THE CHAPTER END ALREADY!!”
“Well sorry.”
And Link, Navi and Saria were teleported out of the Chamber of Sages.
----
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 11: This is Wrong in So Many Ways
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link named a magic peacock Kevin, no comment on Navi, Saria killed both Dark Link and Dark Saria with Maxwell’s Silver Hammer and the Water Temple was completed. YAY!
Now for Chapter Eleven.
“Can you believe it? I’ve been boring throughout the entire story,” Navi said. “The authoress never has anything to say about me.”
“I can see why,” Saria replied. “You never do anything fun.”
“Well, that’s because--”
“HEY! I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!” Link yelled. “Saria, you said I could kill the Water Temple boss!”
“You fell to your knees and cried when you saw it!” Saria told him.
“I’m going to kill the next boss for sure!”
“According to what Sheik said when we first went into the future, the next temple is in the house of the dead, whatever that is,” Navi stated, holding a miniature notepad.
“WAIT! I have to go check if my sword is done!” Saria said. She took out her ocarina and started playing the Bolero of Fire.
“Hold it, Saria! You’re wearing Zora tunics!”
“So you expect me to just go the long way?”
“No, I expect you to change first.”
“Changing?” Saria made a face. “That’ll take too long.”
“So you would rather just take the long way and hike all the way to the top of Death Mountain?”
“Meh.”
Suddenly all the water in Lake Hylia came back.
“Umm…*Shouldn’t that have happened earlier?”
“Look! It’s Sheik,” Link stated, pointing at Sheik who had appeared out of no where.
“Since the curse on the Water Temple has been lifted, the water has returned to the lake,” Sheik said.
“We can tell,” Navi replied. “Do you know where we’re supposed to go next?”
“Well--”
“Wait wait! Let me guess!” Saria interrupted. “Umm…*House of the dead…*Uh, dead, dead, death, graveyard… Kakariko Village!”
“That was fast. By the way, how many Heart Pieces have you collected?”
“…*Umm…*Why?”
“Because the next temple is really easy to die in and confusing. Invisible floors, fake walls, talking paintings, creepy background music, invisible spinning blades, wallmasters, mazes, torture chambers, et cetera et cetera.”
“Does this mean we should get more Heart Pieces first?” Link asked.
“Well, if you feel confident then you can go just the way you are…” Sheik tossed a Deku Nut and supposedly disappeared.
“!!! Look! He’s in the tree! I knew he couldn’t disappear that fast!” Saria exclaimed, looking up in the tree.
Sheik jumped into the water and was gone.
“Okay, what the heck…”
All of a sudden, the sun started rising.
“That was the shortest night ever,” Link said.
“This stone says to shoot the sun when it starts to rise with an arrow and something will happen,” Saria stated. She took Link’s bow and shot the sun. An arrow fell onto an island on a distance.
“…*What’s that?” Link swam over to it and picked it up.
Link got Fire Arrows!
“…*Does this mean that we can now shoot flaming arrows?”
“I sure hope so!” Saria yelled from the other island. Link swam back. “Let me try it!” Saria fired a Fire Arrow and there was a fire explosion once it hit something. “Awesome! It’s like miniature Din’s Fire! Now let’s go get the sword.”
At Kakariko Village…
“OH MY FARORE THE VILLAGE IS ON FIRE!” Link screamed.
“Maybe Death Mountain erupted,” Navi said.
“Hey! There’s Sheik!” Saria exclaimed. Link ran up to him.
“Get back, Link!” Sheik yelled. The wooden thing above the well(the thing that buckets hang from when people get water) flew off and hit Link, knocking him unconscious. “I warned you!”
“You do know he can’t hear you, right?”
“Shut up. GET UP!” Sheik shook Link like crazy.
“Doughnuts…*Pie…*Banana bread oatmeal…” Link mumbled, soon dozing off again.
“Let me handle this,” Navi spoke. “LINK! HOLY CRAP! A FREE CREAM PUFF STAND!”
Link shot up immediantly. “LOL WUT?”
“Heh… Just kidding.”
“What?!”
“If you forget what I just said, I’ll give you this cupcake.” Navi held out a cupcake.
“Okay!” Link took it and began to nibble on it.
Suddenly a giant purple cloud came out of the well.
“What is that thing?!” Saria yelled.
“An evil spirit!” Sheik replied. “It has escaped!”
“IT’S A GIANT POOF!” Link exclaimed as the purple cloud flew all over the village, catching flames and putting them on other buildings, making the fire worse. The lookout tower collapsed.
“Wait a minute…*If it just escaped, how was the village in flames before?” Navi asked.
“I don’t know, maybe Death Mountain erupted or something, it was like this when I got here,” Sheik answered.
The purple cloud flew into Link, knocking him unconscious again. It stole his cupcake and flew into the graveyard.
A few minutes later, once Link woke up…
“Link, a terrible thing has happened!” Sheik told Link.
“The giant poof stole my cupcake!” Link said.
“No…*It’s an evil shadow spirit and it just escaped.”
“And stole my cupcake.”
“Shut up. Impa, the leader of Kakariko Village, had sealed the evil shadow spirit in the bottom of the well… But the force of the evil spirit got so strong, the seal of the well broke, and it escaped into the world!”
“Don’t you mean escaped into the graveyard?” Saria asked.
“Wait a second…” a random villager walked up to them. “You mean an evil shadow spirit has been sealed in the place where we get water?”
“Yeah, so?” Sheik replied.
“Dude, that is wrong in so many ways…”
“Wasn’t this village just in flames?” Link questioned.
“It started raining all of a sudden,” Sheik told him. “Now shut up. I believe Impa has gone to the Shadow Temple to seal it again, but she will be in danger without any help.”
“Umm…*The shadow spirit just escaped…” Navi stated. “How could she be in the Shadow Temple already trying to seal it again?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“By the way, who the heck is Impa exactly?”
“Impa is one of the six sages.”
“How? We just heard of her right now. You’d think that it would be somebody from the past like the other three before.”
“Well you’re the one who decided to run away from my-- I mean Princess Zelda’s speech in Chapter 2. You would’ve met her then.”
“People don’t want to read boring speeches that were ripped straight from the game.”
“Go beat the Shadow Temple already now. But in order to enter the temple, you have to play this song. This is the melody that will draw you into the infinite darkness that even absorbs time, the Nocturne of Shadows!” Sheik took his harp out and played the song. Saria repeated it on her ocarina.
“The melody that draws you into infinite darkness? How is that helpful?” Saria asked.
“I mean the Shadow Temple. That place is doom, but thankfully not as doomful as the Water Temple. I’ll see you again.” Sheik threw a Deku Nut and vanished.
-
-
“Hello there Biggoron! Is my sword done?” Saria asked Biggoron.
“Yep! This is my finest work ever!” Biggoron replied. “Take it!”
Saria finally got the Biggoron’s Sword!
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!” Saria screamed and did a little dance. “I’m so happy!”
“Holy crap, that thing is like four feet long!” Navi exclaimed.
“And holy crap, I got my sword! Let’s go to the Shadow Temple so I can test it!”
Link played the Nocturne of Shadows and they appeared at the graveyard, on a platform they previously could not reach.
“Cool. I didn’t know this part of the graveyard existed,” Link stated. “In we go!”
But instead of immediantly entering the temple, there were a bunch of torches and a giant door with an eye on it in the back of the room.
“Wait wait wait, I think I know what to do!” Saria walked into the middle of the room and used Din’s Fire. All the torches were lit and the door opened. “Yay!” Saria ran through the door.
“Wow, she’s really pumped,” Navi said, following after her. Link slowly followed.
Once they walked in, they found Saria across a pit, staring at a creepy painting. “I don’t get it, it’s a dead end.”
“One who gains the eye of truth will be able to see what is hidden in the darkness…” the painting whispered.
“What’s the eye of truth?”
“Hey, I know! Let’s get out of here and find it!” Link suggested, shivering madly. “Besides, we have a better chance of not dying!”
“Good idea, Link! Let’s check the well!”
“Wait, what?”
-
-
Before Link knew it, they were back at Kakariko Village with Saria climbing down into the empty well.
“Umm…*There’s a giant rock covering the entrance…” Saria stated.
“Hey! I know! Let’s go in the past!” Link said.
“That might not even be such a bad idea…” Navi spoke. “Come on! Let’s go put the Master Sword back!”
“Whaaaaat! I don’t wanna lose my awesome sword!” Saria complained, climbing out of the well.
“You’ll get it back once we go into the future again. You’ll still have it when we go to the Shadow Temple.”
“Fine fine.”
“WAIT!” Link yelled. He ran into the windmill and came back out. “I just learned a new song!”
“Uh…*Okay…” Saria played the Prelude of Light and they appeared back in the Temple of Time.
“Good bye future!” Link said, putting the Master Sword back. The same blue light surrounded them.
They appeared in the Temple of Time seven years in the past.
“I’m a little boy again!” Link cheered.
“And I haven’t changed at all,” Saria muttered.
“I’m eleven again!” Navi stated.
“Eleven? How come you never said your age before?”
“I didn’t feel the need to.”
Link played the Nocturne of Shadow and they appeared at the graveyard. Link climbed over the fence that prevented them from getting onto the ledge and ran out as quickly as possible.
“Is it just me or is he more hyper now that he’s a kid again?” Saria asked.
“I think that now that he’s ten again, he feels he has permisson to be immature,” Navi replied.
“Whatever, let’s just go to the well.”
-
-
“The well is filled with water…” Link stated. “Hey! I know! I’ll go play that song I learned from the windmill man in the future to the windmill man in the past!” He ran into the windmill. The sails began to spin very fast and the well drained. Link walked back out.
“Link, how the heck do you always know what to do?” Navi asked.
“Magic!” Link hopped into the well, ignoring the pain it caused him. “Check it out! The well isn’t covered anymore!” He ran in.
“I can’t believe that he went into the well first.”
Saria climbed into the well and ran in after Link. She saw him crawling through a hole. “He is really excited now…” She crawled in after him.
“ADVENTURE TIME!!” Link cheered. “ADVENTURE TIME! C’MON GRAB YOUR FRIENDS! AS WE GO TO VERY DISTANT LANDS! LINK, SARIA AND NAVI THE FAIRY THE FUN WILL NEVER END IT’S ADVENTURE TIME!!”
Saria coughed. “It smells like dead people and zombies in here!”
“SPIDER!! EEEK!” Link hid behind Saria when a Big Skulltula dropped down.
Saria stabbed the spider when it stupidly turned around and it died immediantly.
Link ran over to the wall immediantly. “Huh? It’s a dead end!”
“I can hear the spirits whispering in this room,” Navi said. “They say look for the eye of truth.”
Link ignored Navi’s comment and began to feel the wall. His hand went through it. “OHMIGOSH!”
“I think that wall is fake,” Saria told him.
“COOL!” Link walked through it. “Wow!” Saria and Navi followed him.
Navi looked all over the area they had just entered. There were skeletions, piles of flesh and dirt, and moldy walls. A flying skull on fire flew past them. “This is wrong in so many ways,” Navi muttered.
---
I would put up three chapters, but I think that would get boring to read everything. I know it happens to me when something is long enough :\
Last edited:
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
great chapters!
Mellow Ezlo
Spoony Bard
Oh my Din, this story is freaking amazing! I laughed so hard 
! I love that you incorporated Nintendo Logic into your story ^^
! I love that you incorporated Nintendo Logic into your story ^^
onebizarrekai
gay energy
More chapters…
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 12: Beware the Sword
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link became a hyper child again, Navi stated that the well of Kakariko Village was wrong in many ways, Saria finally got the Biggoron’s Sword and we left off with the heroes in the well.
Now for Chapter Twelve.
“What the crap,” Saria said. “I can’t believe that we were skipped to the end between chapters.”
“RAWWWRR!” a hideous monster popped out of the ground, right in the middle of a bunch of hands sticking out of the ground.
“KILL HIM!” Link screamed, reaching for his sword, but then he realized he didn’t have one anymore. “CRAP!”
The monster burrowed back into the ground.
“Oh noez! Where did he go?”
Saria randomly stabbed the ground with her sword. All of the hands fell down to the ground and disappeared.
“…*I think you killed it,” Navi stated.
“Cool,” Saria spoke.
A treasure chest appeared in the middle of the room. Link ran over and opened it.
Link got the Lens of Truth!
“Does this let us see the truth?” Link wondered.
“No duh, genius…” Navi muttered.
“They’re called the Lens of Truth. What else are they going to do, make pizza?” Saria said, taking the lens from him.
“I wish…” Link stated.
“Actually, I do kinda want pizza,” Navi spoke.
“Come on already! I want to use my new giant sword! We’re going to the Shadow Temple freakin’ right now. I don’t think there are even any pizza stores in Hyrule!”
-
-
“I can’t believe there was actually a pizza store,” Saria mumbled.
Link chomped on his sixth piece, “PIZZA!!”
“Are you sure you don’t want any pizza, Saria?” Navi asked Saria, eating a tiny piece of her own.
“Positive. I’m not hungry.”
“How could you not be hungry?”
“You’re the one who asked me how I could ever be hungry again after eating Jabu Jabu!”
“Oh, whatever. Fine, we’ll go to the Shadow Temple.”
“NOOOOO!!!” Link screamed, falling down to his knees.
-
-
Back in the future at the Shadow Temple entrance…
“Wow. Big skipage,” Saria stated.
“Saria, you don’t need to keep stating that. This story seems to be getting more boring as it goes on…” Navi said. “Hey! I know what will make it funnier! I’ll speak French for the rest of the temple!”
“Wait, what?”
“J'ai parié que le mur est là-bas article truqué!”
“Well, that obviously means Navi is going to be useless throughout the rest of the temple.”
“Hé! Je le fais juste ainsi il est drôle!”
“I wonder if anybody reading this knows what Navi is saying…” Link said.
“Hey look! Fake wall!” Saria exclaimed, looking through the Lens of Truth.
“Okay!” Link ran through the painting. “Oh no, there’s more!”
“Le reste du temple va probablement être comme ceci…” Navi spoke.
Saria walked through the painting to. She looked all over the room.
“Point my beak to the true skull,” a statue said.
Saria looked through the Lens of Truth at all of the skulls. They all disappeared except for one. “Wow. I didn’t expect that it would do this much. Link, make the statue face this specific skull,” Saria told Link, pointing to the certain one.
Link pushed it onto that one. A gate across a bottomless looking pit opened.
“Il ne regarde pas comme c’est important en ce moment…” Navi stated.
“Hey Link, since it seems like we can’t get over there right now…” Saria started, taking out the Lens of Truth. She grinned and pointed to a real wall. “Link! There’s the fake wall!”
Link ran into the wall, “Ouch! What was that for?”
“For fun.” Saria giggled.
“C’était un peu drôle,” Navi said.
Link groaned. “Where’s the real one?” he asked, annoyed.
“Over there,” Saria told him, pointing to the fake picture.
Link walked over carefully and felt it a little. “Okay, good. It’s actually fake this time.” He ran through it, but there was a wall two feet behind it with a door and he crashed into it. “Dang it!”
“Good job, Link!” Saria pat Link on the back.
The next room was filled with creepy pictures. Everywhere. Even on the ceiling.
“Attente, ce qui? Là ne sont pas censés être des images sur le plafond!” Navi yelled.
“When did Navi even learn how to speak French?” Link questioned.
“Ah, je peux parler des tonnes des langues.”
“Shadow Temple…*Here is gathered Hyrule’s bloody history of greed and hatred…” one of the paintings said.
“Tais-toi, image anormale.”
“Well excuuuuuse me, princess.”
“The paintings can speak French?” Link asked.
“Apparently,” Saria replied. “I wonder why there are so many pictures, anyway…”
“To confuse you,” the painting told her.
“Well shut up anyway.” Saria stabbed the painting and shread it to pieces.
-
-
“Oh crap, not that thing again,” Saria muttered as they entered the mini boss room(which was very close to the beginning, unlike the Water Temple).
The same hideous monster from the well was the mini boss. It burrowed into the ground once they entered.
“What the heck…” Link said.
Saria stabbed the ground and the monster died again. A treasure chest appeared and Link opened it.
Link got the Hover Boots!
“Cool, new shoes!” Link took the Hover Boots out of the chest.
“That was a pretty girly phrase there, Link,” Saria told him.
“Here!” Link tossed a pair to Saria and put on his own.
“I don’t understand how they always end up being in our exact size.”
“AUUGH!! THESE ARE SLIPPERY!!” Link slid across the room. “I feel like Luigi!”
“…*What?”
“You know, in some games he slides when he runs.”
“…” Navi and Saria were silent.
“But why are they called the Hover Boots?” Saria asked.
“I’ll find out!” Link said. He climbed onto the treasure chest and walked off. He floated there for a few seconds and then fell on the ground.
“Cool!”
“I guess they made them slippery so that there was a con to wearing them all the time.”
“Now we can reach that gate that opened a while ago!”
-
-
“Link, you do know that we should probably think this through before just charging over there,” Saria told Link. “If you don’t get over, you fall into a bottomless pit of doom.”
But Link had ignored her and was running across the pit. He made it over easily.
“Well…*okay.”
-
-
A wallmaster fell down in front of Saria. “Dang it! I missed!” the wallmaster muttered. Saria stabbed it.
“Me and my big sword,” Saria said, hugging her sword.
-
-
“ACK! LINK, DUCK!” Saria yelled, shoving Link to the ground. “There’s an invisible spinning blade in this room. And a Like Like.”
“LIKE LIKE OH NOEZ!!” Link screamed, backing up to the door.
“OM NOM NOM,” the Like Like said threateningly.
“Tranquillitê, vous. Saria a épée la plus puissante dans Hyrule,” Navi told the Like Like.
“NOM!!” The Like Like backed away quickly.
“The Like Like can speak French too?” Link asked.
“Navi can speak Like Like??” Saria questioned disbelievingly. Navi made a stabbing motion. “Oh yeah.” Saria stabbed the Like Like and it died quickly. “I never liked those things…”
“Who does?”
“Certainement pas je,” Navi spoke.
“I look forward to when we complete this temple,” Saria mumbled.
-
-
“Stone umbrella?” Saria wondered, reading a sign.
“Oh crap,” Navi muttered. “This is awful!”
“Yeah, spikes crashing into the ground!” Link yelled, not noticing that she was speaking understandable language.
“No! The fact that The Son of Neptune came out and I still haven’t read The Lost Hero!”
Sheik suddenly appeared out of no where. “Well… I could help with that…” he started.
“Really?”
He took out a copy of the Lost Hero in Hylian/English. “But I’m not giving it to you for free, y’know…”
“Wait a second, isn’t Navi supposed to be speaking French?” Saria asked.
“I can’t right now, Saria. This is much too important,” Navi told her. “So…*About that book…”
“That will be 500 rupees,” Sheik said.
“Are you kidding me!! That’s the max amout of money you can carry in the game!”
“On the other hand, I could give it to you for free, but only if you manage to kill the boss in less then ten minutes.”
“Why that?” Saria questioned.
“First, it’s probably the hardest boss in the game, second, that thing has been getting on my nerves.”
“Okay!” Navi agreed.
“I found the stone umbrella!” Link exclaimed, pulling a block out of the wall.
“…” Everybody else was silent.
-
-
“I’m wearing the sacred feet,” Link randomly said as he skated along in the Hover Boots. “Ooh, look! A boat!”
“Link, it’s floating in mid air,” Saria told him. “Do you actually think it’s a good idea to board?”
“Of course I do!”
A few minutes later…
“AUUUGH!! ABANDON SHIP!!” Link screamed. The ship started to fall into the pit after moving a little.
Navi and Saria sighed and jumped onto a nearby platform.
-
-
“Holy derp!” Link exclaimed once they entered a certain room. A wooden spike trap began to move toward them, in attempt to crush them.
“What do we do!!” He began to run in circles.
“Din’s Fire, duh!” Saria told him. She used Din’s Fire and the spike trap burnt to ashes.
“Là-bas! Le coffre de clef de patron!” Navi stated, speaking French again. She pointed to the corner of the room.
“Oh no! There’s a zombie guarding the chest!” Link said. “KIIIIIIIIIILLLLL!!!” He attacked the Redead without even letting it move and killed it.
“Meh heh heh heh…”
Link opened up the treasure chest.
Link got the Boss Key!
“Usually I’d hope that we would find the boss door before we find the key,” Saria spoke. “Because then we don’t have to find the key.”
“Hey Saria, I’m just asking…” Link started. “But when did you take my bow…?”
“Between chapters.”
-
-
“Bon, nous avons finalement trouvé la porte de patron,” Navi said once they found the boss door.
Link put the key in, turned it, and guess what? The lock fell on top of him.
“Who’s bright idea was it to made the lock so huge…?” Link muttered. Saria lifted the lock off of him.
“Come on!” Saria told him, running into the boss room.
There was silence for a few seconds.
“It’s a hole…” Link stated.
“Do we jump in?” Saria asked.
“Bien, je veux obtenir mon livre tellement OUI!” Navi yelled, shoving Link into the hole. “ALLEZ! MAINTENANT!!”
Saria raised an eye brow. “I can’t speak French you know.”
Navi pushed her in.
“Are we on a giant drum…?” Link questioned. The giant drum started to bounce. “AHH!! FLOATING HANDS!”
Saria took out the Lens of Truth, “Oh my Din, that thing is hideous.”
Link peeked through the lens as well. “Holy crud, is that the thing that was sealed in the well? I am never drinking water from Kakakakakakokokokoko again…”
“Muahahahahahaha, I am evil!” Bongo Bongo, the boss, laughed. He began to charge at them. Saria shot an arrow without thinking, stunning him. She attacked him rapidly with the Biggoron’s Sword and he was dead.
“Beware the sword,” Saria said, grinning.
Bongo Bongo melted into shadowy goo.
“Coooool,” Link spoke.
Link got a Heart Container!
“JE VEUX MON LIVRE!!!” Navi screamed, flying into the blue light once it appeared. “ALLONS!!”
Saria and Link walked into the blue light and appeared in the Chamber of Sages.
“Hello, I am Impa, Sage of Shadow,” Impa told them.
“Good Din, you’re hideous,” Link stated.
“I’m sorry, but I put on permanent make up against my will. Anyway, I am Princess Zelda’s caretaker, but since you ran off before her speech ended, you didn’t meet me.” What?
“Give us the medallion already,” Saria ordered.
“Fine.”
Saria got the Shadow Medallion!
Link took the medallion from Saria, “What does this one do?”
“It smells like oatmeal,” Impa replied.
“Dude, that’s just weird,” Saria said.
And the three were warped back to the graveyard.
---
Note: I can't actually speak French, obviously. I cheated and used Babelfish.
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 13: Senseless Carpenters
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link ate lots of pizza, Navi spoke French for most of the chapter, Saria tore things to pieces with her sword and they obtained the Shadow Medallion that smelled like oatmeal.
Now for Chapter Thirteen.
“I love my sword,” Saria stated.
“I want my book,” Navi said.
“I didn’t kill the boss,” Link complained.
“Link, if you had killed the boss, it would have taken forever and you would need to pay 500 rupees to get me my book because you weren’t fast enough.”
“And besides, the only reason the boss died quickly was because of the epicness of my sword,” Saria told Link.
“SO!” a voice started. Sheik dropped frmo the sky. “It seems you defeated the boss fast enough!”
“Give me my book. GIVE ME MY BOOK!” Navi yelled impatiently.
“Here you go!” Sheik handed her the book. Navi fell down to the ground. “Oh, sorry.” Sheik put some kind of magic on the book that made it smaller.
“How did you do that?” Link asked.
“Umm… See you later!” Sheik threw a Deku Nut and disappeared.
“So…*Where are we going next?”
“Well, I didn’t quite understand what Sheik said when he said ‘inside a goddess of sand’,” Navi said. “Maybe the desert?”
Saria took out the map, “I seems as if the only place we haven’t been yet is the desert, too.”
“The place where we met the carpenters?” Link questioned.
“I guess so.”
“Cool! I love the background music there!”
“Well, time to get going.”
-
-
Once they got to Gerudo Valley, the bridge was still broken.
“Hey! Mutoh person!” Saria yelled. “You said you would fix the bridge yourself if I gave you the saw!”
“I lied,” Mutoh replied. “Sorry.”
Saria groaned. “Link, get onto Epona. Epona, jump over the pit like you did last time.”
Epona neighed and leaped over. Link almost fell off, but thankfully he didn’t. Saria used the Longshot to get over.
“What brings you here?” Mutoh asked.
“We’ve completed four temples already. I’m guessing that the fifth one is here at the desert,” Saria replied.
“Well, I heard that there was a temple deep in the desert, but the Gerudo don’t let anybody out there. Obviously, if they catch you, you’ll end up in jail.”
“Ooh, we get to be ninjas!” Link exclaimed.
“Don’t let their good looks fool you!”
“Into the fortress we go!”
-
-
“Stupid kids! Get in there and keep quiet!” a Gerudo ordered, throwing them in jail.
“Good going, Link,” Saria said. “You had to try and flirt with her.”
“Come on! I couldn’t help it!”
Saria used the Longshot and hooked onto the overhang in the window and was pulled right out of jail. “Don’t make the mistake again.”
“I’ll try…” Link used the Hookshot and got out. “Oh my derp--” Link almost fell out of the window once his eyes set upon a Gerudo.
“Link!” Saria slapped him. “Get ahold of yourself! They’re your enemy!”
“But their soooo irresistible!”
“I don’t care. Come on.”
“Look! A treasure chest!” Link exclaimed. He fired the Hookshot at it, but it wasn’t long enough. “DANG IT!”
“Link, be quiet or no sugar for a week!” Navi told him.
“Yes mother.”
“You do know I have duct tape in my pocket, right?” Saria asked Link.
“Nooooo…”
Saria grabbed him and used the Longshot to hook onto the treasure chest. She opened it.
Saria got a Heart Piece!
“You know, this is really weird, but we’re on the last temple and we’ve only got three Heart Pieces,” Saria stated.
“So instead of going to beat Ganondorf once we free the Sage, you want to spend the entire chapter getting Heart Pieces?” Link asked, raising an eyebrow. “Right when we’ll probably find out that Zelda has been captured by Ganondorf and he’s torturing her with horrible music?”
“Well, kinda. I mean, we’ll have to fight him.”
“I think I hear people talking up there!” a Gerudo exclaimed.
“Gah!” Saria pushed Link down and ducked.
“Oh, I guess not.”
“That was a close one! Link, I really need you to be quiet now!”
Link nodded slowly.
-
-
“People! Get me out of here!” a carpenter yelled. “The Gerudos have captured us because they don’t accept men except for their king!”
“Oh, sure,” Saria said, walking over to the cage with the Kokiri sword. She stuck the sword into the lock. “I wonder why people haven’t invented little locks yet.”
“Woo! Watch out!”
A Gerudo wearing red dropped from the ceiling. “Get away from the cage, green girl!” she ordered.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” Saria replied. “I have a giant sword.” She unsheathed her Biggoron’s Sword.
“Oh crap. I’m screwed.” The Gerudo backed off a litte. “What do I do, what do I do…”
“Run away?”
“Oh, whatever. Just take the key, those people mean nothing to me anyway!” The Gerudo jumped back up to the ceiling and threw a key down.
Link picked up the key.
Link got a Small Key!
He unlocked the prison.
“Did you come here to save me? Oh, that’s just swell! I’m Ichiro the carpenter,” the carpenter said.
“What kind of name is that?” Saria asked.
Ichiro went on. “We were really interested in joining their all female group, but they locked us up like this just because we’re men!”
“And you have no senses… I mean, I think you were that guy I ran into when we first went to Kakariko Village and you completely ignored me when I stomped on your foot.”
“We don’t care about the Gerudo anymore! They’re so rude!”
“But they’re sooooo hooot…” Link stated.
“Three of my fellows have also been captured, so please help them escape, too! I’m going back to my boss!”
“Good luck with that,” Navi told him. “There are still guards everywhere.”
“Don’t worry, they made the game so that I don’t get captured again.”
“Dude, really?”
And Ichiro was off.
“Well, I guess it’s time to save the rest of the carpenters…”
-
-
“Help! I’m trapped in here!” another carpenter pleaded.
“This is started to make me wonder why they put us in a cell that doesn’t need to be locked,” Saria stated.
“Maybe so that this game was completable, duh,” Navi replied.
“Woo! Watch out!”
A different Gerudo, wearing green this time, dropped from the ceiling.
“What are you doing!” the Gerudo demanded.
“Going around the fortress freeing carpenters,” Link replied. “I don’t know why though. I think it’s a complete waste of time.”
“Oh. Whatever.” The Gerudo gave them the key. “I don’t care about them. I’ll just lie to the leader about him escaping.”
Link got a Small Key!
He unlocked the cell as the Gerudo jumped back to the ceiling.
“You’re a cute kid! Thank you for coming to save me! I’m Jiro, the carpenter,” the carpenter said.
“Ew, you think I’m cute?” Link asked. “That’s nasty…”
“These women are so scary! I’d rather work as a carpenter than join them! I can’t wait to say good-bye to this place! Two of my buddies are still being held prisoner. Will you please get them out, too?”
“Wait, but we didn’t tell you we already saved one,” Saria stated.
“Umm… Bye!” The carpenter ran off.
“…”
-
-
“Oh my goodness! Get me out of here!” a carpenter shouted.
“Three, two, one…” Navi counted.
“Woo! Watch out!”
And then a Gerudo dropped down. She was wearing yellow.
“Hey, why do you always have lipstick the same color of your clothes?” Link asked the Gerudo.
“I honestly don’t know,” she replied.
“Can you give us the key to free the carpenter?”
“Why should I?”
“Because I have a giant sword,” Saria said.
“Okay, sure.” The Gerudo tossed Link the key and went back to the ceiling.
Link got a Small Key!
“Don’t you find it so weird that we don’t need to fight any of the Gerudo?” Link questioned, unlocking the prison.
“They’re all scared of my sword, they just refuse to admit it,” Saria answered.
“Thanks, boy!” the carpenter thanked. “You’re fantastic!”
“Oh, don’t thank me!” Link told him.
“Thank me!” Saria said, smiling. She took out her sword.
“Holy mama,” the carpenter spoke.
“I know, right?”
“Well, anyway, I’m Sabooro the carpenter. Have you seen our boss? He’s probably worried about me! I have to get back to him immediantly! One more of our workers is still a prisoner. Please save him!” And Sabooro was off.
“One more to go,” Navi stated.
-
-
“Help me! I’m locked in here!” the fourth carpenter begged.
“Yeah, yeah,” Saria said.
“Woo! Watch out!”
“Do you always say that?”
A Gerudo wearing purple came down from the ceiling. “Hands up, intruders!” she ordered. Saria unsheathed her sword.
“Are you sure about that?” She took a step foward.
“Yes, I’m sure! I’m not a coward like all the other ones! I’ll actually fight you!”
“Really?” Saria took another step foward and held her four feet long sword out.
“…*Yes!”
“I can see you shaking, y’know,” Navi stated.
“Be quiet! I’m just cold!”
“Riiiiiight…”
“If you give us the key, I won’t hurt you…” Saria told the Gerudo, grinning as she took another step.
“Wait, what? All you want to do is free the stupid carpenter?”
“Hello! I’m right here!” the carpenter yelled, offended.
“Oh! I thought you were here to invade us or something! In that case, just take the key.” The Gerudo tossed the key and jumped to the ceiling.
Link got a Small Key!
He unlocked the prison.
“I was afraid you were going to forget about me! Now I’m free!” the carpenter cheered. “Thanks! I’m Shiro the carpenter. For rescuing me, I’ll tell you something interesting about the desert I overheard the Gerudos talking about.”
“Why would the Gerudos talk about something right in front of you?” Navi asked.
“I have no idea. They said, “In order to cross the Haunted Wasteland, you’ll need the ‘eye of truth.” The Colossus is on the far side of the wasteland.”
“Have it, have it. Whatever,” Saria said.
“Okay, now I’m going back to my tent near Gerudo Valley, so, drop by sometime. You may something helpful there! Byeee!” Shiro ran out of the cell.
“I’ve seen your fine work,” a voice said. Link jumped.
“Oh come on! Another one?” Saria complained once she saw the Gerudo behind them. She was wearing blue.
“To get past the guards around here, you must have good thieving skills. I used to think that all men, besides the great Ganondorf, were useless, but now that I’ve seen you, I don’t think so anymore!”
“Are you talking to Link? Because he didn’t do anything. I’m the one you should be complimenting. I had to tell him to be quiet at least 30 times and I also had to drag him along because he kept getting distracted. He almost got caught 40 times.”
“Saria, be quiet!” Navi yelled. “Go on.”
“The exalted Nabooru, our leader, put me in charge of this fortress. Nabooru is second-in-command to the great Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo Thieves. Her headquarters are in the Spirit Temple, which is at the end of the desert. Say, you must want to become one of us, eh?” the Gerudo asked.
“What?” Link, Saria and Navi all said at the same time.
“All right then! You’re in from now on!”
“Does that mean I have to wear that outfit?” Saria asked.
“…*No, if you don’t want to…”
“Okay, good. Because I think they’re kind of…*Uh…*I can’t think of a good way to put this… Uh, cold.”
“Take this. With it, you will have free access to all areas of the fortress!”
Saria got a Gerudo Membership Card!
“It’s a sheet of paper, not a card,” Saria stated.
“Does it actually matter?” the Gerudo asked.
“What’s your name?” Link questioned.
“Alyssa…”
“Well…*That’s a very lovely name…”
“LINK!” Navi yelled. “We have to focus on finding the Spirit Temple!”
“Why?” Alyssa asked.
“Because we have to find the Sage of Spirit in order to save Hyrule. You do know Ganondorf is evil, right? Like, really evil? He took over Hyrule and has placed curses on all the areas except for this one. We already lifted most of the curses.”
“Well, the Spirit Temple is way across the desert. Getting through is harder than you think it might be. Just ask the gatekeeper and she’ll let you through, if you want.”
“Time to go cross a deathly desert…” Saria spoke.
---
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 12: Beware the Sword
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link became a hyper child again, Navi stated that the well of Kakariko Village was wrong in many ways, Saria finally got the Biggoron’s Sword and we left off with the heroes in the well.
Now for Chapter Twelve.
“What the crap,” Saria said. “I can’t believe that we were skipped to the end between chapters.”
“RAWWWRR!” a hideous monster popped out of the ground, right in the middle of a bunch of hands sticking out of the ground.
“KILL HIM!” Link screamed, reaching for his sword, but then he realized he didn’t have one anymore. “CRAP!”
The monster burrowed back into the ground.
“Oh noez! Where did he go?”
Saria randomly stabbed the ground with her sword. All of the hands fell down to the ground and disappeared.
“…*I think you killed it,” Navi stated.
“Cool,” Saria spoke.
A treasure chest appeared in the middle of the room. Link ran over and opened it.
Link got the Lens of Truth!
“Does this let us see the truth?” Link wondered.
“No duh, genius…” Navi muttered.
“They’re called the Lens of Truth. What else are they going to do, make pizza?” Saria said, taking the lens from him.
“I wish…” Link stated.
“Actually, I do kinda want pizza,” Navi spoke.
“Come on already! I want to use my new giant sword! We’re going to the Shadow Temple freakin’ right now. I don’t think there are even any pizza stores in Hyrule!”
-
-
“I can’t believe there was actually a pizza store,” Saria mumbled.
Link chomped on his sixth piece, “PIZZA!!”
“Are you sure you don’t want any pizza, Saria?” Navi asked Saria, eating a tiny piece of her own.
“Positive. I’m not hungry.”
“How could you not be hungry?”
“You’re the one who asked me how I could ever be hungry again after eating Jabu Jabu!”
“Oh, whatever. Fine, we’ll go to the Shadow Temple.”
“NOOOOO!!!” Link screamed, falling down to his knees.
-
-
Back in the future at the Shadow Temple entrance…
“Wow. Big skipage,” Saria stated.
“Saria, you don’t need to keep stating that. This story seems to be getting more boring as it goes on…” Navi said. “Hey! I know what will make it funnier! I’ll speak French for the rest of the temple!”
“Wait, what?”
“J'ai parié que le mur est là-bas article truqué!”
“Well, that obviously means Navi is going to be useless throughout the rest of the temple.”
“Hé! Je le fais juste ainsi il est drôle!”
“I wonder if anybody reading this knows what Navi is saying…” Link said.
“Hey look! Fake wall!” Saria exclaimed, looking through the Lens of Truth.
“Okay!” Link ran through the painting. “Oh no, there’s more!”
“Le reste du temple va probablement être comme ceci…” Navi spoke.
Saria walked through the painting to. She looked all over the room.
“Point my beak to the true skull,” a statue said.
Saria looked through the Lens of Truth at all of the skulls. They all disappeared except for one. “Wow. I didn’t expect that it would do this much. Link, make the statue face this specific skull,” Saria told Link, pointing to the certain one.
Link pushed it onto that one. A gate across a bottomless looking pit opened.
“Il ne regarde pas comme c’est important en ce moment…” Navi stated.
“Hey Link, since it seems like we can’t get over there right now…” Saria started, taking out the Lens of Truth. She grinned and pointed to a real wall. “Link! There’s the fake wall!”
Link ran into the wall, “Ouch! What was that for?”
“For fun.” Saria giggled.
“C’était un peu drôle,” Navi said.
Link groaned. “Where’s the real one?” he asked, annoyed.
“Over there,” Saria told him, pointing to the fake picture.
Link walked over carefully and felt it a little. “Okay, good. It’s actually fake this time.” He ran through it, but there was a wall two feet behind it with a door and he crashed into it. “Dang it!”
“Good job, Link!” Saria pat Link on the back.
The next room was filled with creepy pictures. Everywhere. Even on the ceiling.
“Attente, ce qui? Là ne sont pas censés être des images sur le plafond!” Navi yelled.
“When did Navi even learn how to speak French?” Link questioned.
“Ah, je peux parler des tonnes des langues.”
“Shadow Temple…*Here is gathered Hyrule’s bloody history of greed and hatred…” one of the paintings said.
“Tais-toi, image anormale.”
“Well excuuuuuse me, princess.”
“The paintings can speak French?” Link asked.
“Apparently,” Saria replied. “I wonder why there are so many pictures, anyway…”
“To confuse you,” the painting told her.
“Well shut up anyway.” Saria stabbed the painting and shread it to pieces.
-
-
“Oh crap, not that thing again,” Saria muttered as they entered the mini boss room(which was very close to the beginning, unlike the Water Temple).
The same hideous monster from the well was the mini boss. It burrowed into the ground once they entered.
“What the heck…” Link said.
Saria stabbed the ground and the monster died again. A treasure chest appeared and Link opened it.
Link got the Hover Boots!
“Cool, new shoes!” Link took the Hover Boots out of the chest.
“That was a pretty girly phrase there, Link,” Saria told him.
“Here!” Link tossed a pair to Saria and put on his own.
“I don’t understand how they always end up being in our exact size.”
“AUUGH!! THESE ARE SLIPPERY!!” Link slid across the room. “I feel like Luigi!”
“…*What?”
“You know, in some games he slides when he runs.”
“…” Navi and Saria were silent.
“But why are they called the Hover Boots?” Saria asked.
“I’ll find out!” Link said. He climbed onto the treasure chest and walked off. He floated there for a few seconds and then fell on the ground.
“Cool!”
“I guess they made them slippery so that there was a con to wearing them all the time.”
“Now we can reach that gate that opened a while ago!”
-
-
“Link, you do know that we should probably think this through before just charging over there,” Saria told Link. “If you don’t get over, you fall into a bottomless pit of doom.”
But Link had ignored her and was running across the pit. He made it over easily.
“Well…*okay.”
-
-
A wallmaster fell down in front of Saria. “Dang it! I missed!” the wallmaster muttered. Saria stabbed it.
“Me and my big sword,” Saria said, hugging her sword.
-
-
“ACK! LINK, DUCK!” Saria yelled, shoving Link to the ground. “There’s an invisible spinning blade in this room. And a Like Like.”
“LIKE LIKE OH NOEZ!!” Link screamed, backing up to the door.
“OM NOM NOM,” the Like Like said threateningly.
“Tranquillitê, vous. Saria a épée la plus puissante dans Hyrule,” Navi told the Like Like.
“NOM!!” The Like Like backed away quickly.
“The Like Like can speak French too?” Link asked.
“Navi can speak Like Like??” Saria questioned disbelievingly. Navi made a stabbing motion. “Oh yeah.” Saria stabbed the Like Like and it died quickly. “I never liked those things…”
“Who does?”
“Certainement pas je,” Navi spoke.
“I look forward to when we complete this temple,” Saria mumbled.
-
-
“Stone umbrella?” Saria wondered, reading a sign.
“Oh crap,” Navi muttered. “This is awful!”
“Yeah, spikes crashing into the ground!” Link yelled, not noticing that she was speaking understandable language.
“No! The fact that The Son of Neptune came out and I still haven’t read The Lost Hero!”
Sheik suddenly appeared out of no where. “Well… I could help with that…” he started.
“Really?”
He took out a copy of the Lost Hero in Hylian/English. “But I’m not giving it to you for free, y’know…”
“Wait a second, isn’t Navi supposed to be speaking French?” Saria asked.
“I can’t right now, Saria. This is much too important,” Navi told her. “So…*About that book…”
“That will be 500 rupees,” Sheik said.
“Are you kidding me!! That’s the max amout of money you can carry in the game!”
“On the other hand, I could give it to you for free, but only if you manage to kill the boss in less then ten minutes.”
“Why that?” Saria questioned.
“First, it’s probably the hardest boss in the game, second, that thing has been getting on my nerves.”
“Okay!” Navi agreed.
“I found the stone umbrella!” Link exclaimed, pulling a block out of the wall.
“…” Everybody else was silent.
-
-
“I’m wearing the sacred feet,” Link randomly said as he skated along in the Hover Boots. “Ooh, look! A boat!”
“Link, it’s floating in mid air,” Saria told him. “Do you actually think it’s a good idea to board?”
“Of course I do!”
A few minutes later…
“AUUUGH!! ABANDON SHIP!!” Link screamed. The ship started to fall into the pit after moving a little.
Navi and Saria sighed and jumped onto a nearby platform.
-
-
“Holy derp!” Link exclaimed once they entered a certain room. A wooden spike trap began to move toward them, in attempt to crush them.
“What do we do!!” He began to run in circles.
“Din’s Fire, duh!” Saria told him. She used Din’s Fire and the spike trap burnt to ashes.
“Là-bas! Le coffre de clef de patron!” Navi stated, speaking French again. She pointed to the corner of the room.
“Oh no! There’s a zombie guarding the chest!” Link said. “KIIIIIIIIIILLLLL!!!” He attacked the Redead without even letting it move and killed it.
“Meh heh heh heh…”
Link opened up the treasure chest.
Link got the Boss Key!
“Usually I’d hope that we would find the boss door before we find the key,” Saria spoke. “Because then we don’t have to find the key.”
“Hey Saria, I’m just asking…” Link started. “But when did you take my bow…?”
“Between chapters.”
-
-
“Bon, nous avons finalement trouvé la porte de patron,” Navi said once they found the boss door.
Link put the key in, turned it, and guess what? The lock fell on top of him.
“Who’s bright idea was it to made the lock so huge…?” Link muttered. Saria lifted the lock off of him.
“Come on!” Saria told him, running into the boss room.
There was silence for a few seconds.
“It’s a hole…” Link stated.
“Do we jump in?” Saria asked.
“Bien, je veux obtenir mon livre tellement OUI!” Navi yelled, shoving Link into the hole. “ALLEZ! MAINTENANT!!”
Saria raised an eye brow. “I can’t speak French you know.”
Navi pushed her in.
“Are we on a giant drum…?” Link questioned. The giant drum started to bounce. “AHH!! FLOATING HANDS!”
Saria took out the Lens of Truth, “Oh my Din, that thing is hideous.”
Link peeked through the lens as well. “Holy crud, is that the thing that was sealed in the well? I am never drinking water from Kakakakakakokokokoko again…”
“Muahahahahahaha, I am evil!” Bongo Bongo, the boss, laughed. He began to charge at them. Saria shot an arrow without thinking, stunning him. She attacked him rapidly with the Biggoron’s Sword and he was dead.
“Beware the sword,” Saria said, grinning.
Bongo Bongo melted into shadowy goo.
“Coooool,” Link spoke.
Link got a Heart Container!
“JE VEUX MON LIVRE!!!” Navi screamed, flying into the blue light once it appeared. “ALLONS!!”
Saria and Link walked into the blue light and appeared in the Chamber of Sages.
“Hello, I am Impa, Sage of Shadow,” Impa told them.
“Good Din, you’re hideous,” Link stated.
“I’m sorry, but I put on permanent make up against my will. Anyway, I am Princess Zelda’s caretaker, but since you ran off before her speech ended, you didn’t meet me.” What?
“Give us the medallion already,” Saria ordered.
“Fine.”
Saria got the Shadow Medallion!
Link took the medallion from Saria, “What does this one do?”
“It smells like oatmeal,” Impa replied.
“Dude, that’s just weird,” Saria said.
And the three were warped back to the graveyard.
---
Note: I can't actually speak French, obviously. I cheated and used Babelfish.
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 13: Senseless Carpenters
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link ate lots of pizza, Navi spoke French for most of the chapter, Saria tore things to pieces with her sword and they obtained the Shadow Medallion that smelled like oatmeal.
Now for Chapter Thirteen.
“I love my sword,” Saria stated.
“I want my book,” Navi said.
“I didn’t kill the boss,” Link complained.
“Link, if you had killed the boss, it would have taken forever and you would need to pay 500 rupees to get me my book because you weren’t fast enough.”
“And besides, the only reason the boss died quickly was because of the epicness of my sword,” Saria told Link.
“SO!” a voice started. Sheik dropped frmo the sky. “It seems you defeated the boss fast enough!”
“Give me my book. GIVE ME MY BOOK!” Navi yelled impatiently.
“Here you go!” Sheik handed her the book. Navi fell down to the ground. “Oh, sorry.” Sheik put some kind of magic on the book that made it smaller.
“How did you do that?” Link asked.
“Umm… See you later!” Sheik threw a Deku Nut and disappeared.
“So…*Where are we going next?”
“Well, I didn’t quite understand what Sheik said when he said ‘inside a goddess of sand’,” Navi said. “Maybe the desert?”
Saria took out the map, “I seems as if the only place we haven’t been yet is the desert, too.”
“The place where we met the carpenters?” Link questioned.
“I guess so.”
“Cool! I love the background music there!”
“Well, time to get going.”
-
-
Once they got to Gerudo Valley, the bridge was still broken.
“Hey! Mutoh person!” Saria yelled. “You said you would fix the bridge yourself if I gave you the saw!”
“I lied,” Mutoh replied. “Sorry.”
Saria groaned. “Link, get onto Epona. Epona, jump over the pit like you did last time.”
Epona neighed and leaped over. Link almost fell off, but thankfully he didn’t. Saria used the Longshot to get over.
“What brings you here?” Mutoh asked.
“We’ve completed four temples already. I’m guessing that the fifth one is here at the desert,” Saria replied.
“Well, I heard that there was a temple deep in the desert, but the Gerudo don’t let anybody out there. Obviously, if they catch you, you’ll end up in jail.”
“Ooh, we get to be ninjas!” Link exclaimed.
“Don’t let their good looks fool you!”
“Into the fortress we go!”
-
-
“Stupid kids! Get in there and keep quiet!” a Gerudo ordered, throwing them in jail.
“Good going, Link,” Saria said. “You had to try and flirt with her.”
“Come on! I couldn’t help it!”
Saria used the Longshot and hooked onto the overhang in the window and was pulled right out of jail. “Don’t make the mistake again.”
“I’ll try…” Link used the Hookshot and got out. “Oh my derp--” Link almost fell out of the window once his eyes set upon a Gerudo.
“Link!” Saria slapped him. “Get ahold of yourself! They’re your enemy!”
“But their soooo irresistible!”
“I don’t care. Come on.”
“Look! A treasure chest!” Link exclaimed. He fired the Hookshot at it, but it wasn’t long enough. “DANG IT!”
“Link, be quiet or no sugar for a week!” Navi told him.
“Yes mother.”
“You do know I have duct tape in my pocket, right?” Saria asked Link.
“Nooooo…”
Saria grabbed him and used the Longshot to hook onto the treasure chest. She opened it.
Saria got a Heart Piece!
“You know, this is really weird, but we’re on the last temple and we’ve only got three Heart Pieces,” Saria stated.
“So instead of going to beat Ganondorf once we free the Sage, you want to spend the entire chapter getting Heart Pieces?” Link asked, raising an eyebrow. “Right when we’ll probably find out that Zelda has been captured by Ganondorf and he’s torturing her with horrible music?”
“Well, kinda. I mean, we’ll have to fight him.”
“I think I hear people talking up there!” a Gerudo exclaimed.
“Gah!” Saria pushed Link down and ducked.
“Oh, I guess not.”
“That was a close one! Link, I really need you to be quiet now!”
Link nodded slowly.
-
-
“People! Get me out of here!” a carpenter yelled. “The Gerudos have captured us because they don’t accept men except for their king!”
“Oh, sure,” Saria said, walking over to the cage with the Kokiri sword. She stuck the sword into the lock. “I wonder why people haven’t invented little locks yet.”
“Woo! Watch out!”
A Gerudo wearing red dropped from the ceiling. “Get away from the cage, green girl!” she ordered.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” Saria replied. “I have a giant sword.” She unsheathed her Biggoron’s Sword.
“Oh crap. I’m screwed.” The Gerudo backed off a litte. “What do I do, what do I do…”
“Run away?”
“Oh, whatever. Just take the key, those people mean nothing to me anyway!” The Gerudo jumped back up to the ceiling and threw a key down.
Link picked up the key.
Link got a Small Key!
He unlocked the prison.
“Did you come here to save me? Oh, that’s just swell! I’m Ichiro the carpenter,” the carpenter said.
“What kind of name is that?” Saria asked.
Ichiro went on. “We were really interested in joining their all female group, but they locked us up like this just because we’re men!”
“And you have no senses… I mean, I think you were that guy I ran into when we first went to Kakariko Village and you completely ignored me when I stomped on your foot.”
“We don’t care about the Gerudo anymore! They’re so rude!”
“But they’re sooooo hooot…” Link stated.
“Three of my fellows have also been captured, so please help them escape, too! I’m going back to my boss!”
“Good luck with that,” Navi told him. “There are still guards everywhere.”
“Don’t worry, they made the game so that I don’t get captured again.”
“Dude, really?”
And Ichiro was off.
“Well, I guess it’s time to save the rest of the carpenters…”
-
-
“Help! I’m trapped in here!” another carpenter pleaded.
“This is started to make me wonder why they put us in a cell that doesn’t need to be locked,” Saria stated.
“Maybe so that this game was completable, duh,” Navi replied.
“Woo! Watch out!”
A different Gerudo, wearing green this time, dropped from the ceiling.
“What are you doing!” the Gerudo demanded.
“Going around the fortress freeing carpenters,” Link replied. “I don’t know why though. I think it’s a complete waste of time.”
“Oh. Whatever.” The Gerudo gave them the key. “I don’t care about them. I’ll just lie to the leader about him escaping.”
Link got a Small Key!
He unlocked the cell as the Gerudo jumped back to the ceiling.
“You’re a cute kid! Thank you for coming to save me! I’m Jiro, the carpenter,” the carpenter said.
“Ew, you think I’m cute?” Link asked. “That’s nasty…”
“These women are so scary! I’d rather work as a carpenter than join them! I can’t wait to say good-bye to this place! Two of my buddies are still being held prisoner. Will you please get them out, too?”
“Wait, but we didn’t tell you we already saved one,” Saria stated.
“Umm… Bye!” The carpenter ran off.
“…”
-
-
“Oh my goodness! Get me out of here!” a carpenter shouted.
“Three, two, one…” Navi counted.
“Woo! Watch out!”
And then a Gerudo dropped down. She was wearing yellow.
“Hey, why do you always have lipstick the same color of your clothes?” Link asked the Gerudo.
“I honestly don’t know,” she replied.
“Can you give us the key to free the carpenter?”
“Why should I?”
“Because I have a giant sword,” Saria said.
“Okay, sure.” The Gerudo tossed Link the key and went back to the ceiling.
Link got a Small Key!
“Don’t you find it so weird that we don’t need to fight any of the Gerudo?” Link questioned, unlocking the prison.
“They’re all scared of my sword, they just refuse to admit it,” Saria answered.
“Thanks, boy!” the carpenter thanked. “You’re fantastic!”
“Oh, don’t thank me!” Link told him.
“Thank me!” Saria said, smiling. She took out her sword.
“Holy mama,” the carpenter spoke.
“I know, right?”
“Well, anyway, I’m Sabooro the carpenter. Have you seen our boss? He’s probably worried about me! I have to get back to him immediantly! One more of our workers is still a prisoner. Please save him!” And Sabooro was off.
“One more to go,” Navi stated.
-
-
“Help me! I’m locked in here!” the fourth carpenter begged.
“Yeah, yeah,” Saria said.
“Woo! Watch out!”
“Do you always say that?”
A Gerudo wearing purple came down from the ceiling. “Hands up, intruders!” she ordered. Saria unsheathed her sword.
“Are you sure about that?” She took a step foward.
“Yes, I’m sure! I’m not a coward like all the other ones! I’ll actually fight you!”
“Really?” Saria took another step foward and held her four feet long sword out.
“…*Yes!”
“I can see you shaking, y’know,” Navi stated.
“Be quiet! I’m just cold!”
“Riiiiiight…”
“If you give us the key, I won’t hurt you…” Saria told the Gerudo, grinning as she took another step.
“Wait, what? All you want to do is free the stupid carpenter?”
“Hello! I’m right here!” the carpenter yelled, offended.
“Oh! I thought you were here to invade us or something! In that case, just take the key.” The Gerudo tossed the key and jumped to the ceiling.
Link got a Small Key!
He unlocked the prison.
“I was afraid you were going to forget about me! Now I’m free!” the carpenter cheered. “Thanks! I’m Shiro the carpenter. For rescuing me, I’ll tell you something interesting about the desert I overheard the Gerudos talking about.”
“Why would the Gerudos talk about something right in front of you?” Navi asked.
“I have no idea. They said, “In order to cross the Haunted Wasteland, you’ll need the ‘eye of truth.” The Colossus is on the far side of the wasteland.”
“Have it, have it. Whatever,” Saria said.
“Okay, now I’m going back to my tent near Gerudo Valley, so, drop by sometime. You may something helpful there! Byeee!” Shiro ran out of the cell.
“I’ve seen your fine work,” a voice said. Link jumped.
“Oh come on! Another one?” Saria complained once she saw the Gerudo behind them. She was wearing blue.
“To get past the guards around here, you must have good thieving skills. I used to think that all men, besides the great Ganondorf, were useless, but now that I’ve seen you, I don’t think so anymore!”
“Are you talking to Link? Because he didn’t do anything. I’m the one you should be complimenting. I had to tell him to be quiet at least 30 times and I also had to drag him along because he kept getting distracted. He almost got caught 40 times.”
“Saria, be quiet!” Navi yelled. “Go on.”
“The exalted Nabooru, our leader, put me in charge of this fortress. Nabooru is second-in-command to the great Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo Thieves. Her headquarters are in the Spirit Temple, which is at the end of the desert. Say, you must want to become one of us, eh?” the Gerudo asked.
“What?” Link, Saria and Navi all said at the same time.
“All right then! You’re in from now on!”
“Does that mean I have to wear that outfit?” Saria asked.
“…*No, if you don’t want to…”
“Okay, good. Because I think they’re kind of…*Uh…*I can’t think of a good way to put this… Uh, cold.”
“Take this. With it, you will have free access to all areas of the fortress!”
Saria got a Gerudo Membership Card!
“It’s a sheet of paper, not a card,” Saria stated.
“Does it actually matter?” the Gerudo asked.
“What’s your name?” Link questioned.
“Alyssa…”
“Well…*That’s a very lovely name…”
“LINK!” Navi yelled. “We have to focus on finding the Spirit Temple!”
“Why?” Alyssa asked.
“Because we have to find the Sage of Spirit in order to save Hyrule. You do know Ganondorf is evil, right? Like, really evil? He took over Hyrule and has placed curses on all the areas except for this one. We already lifted most of the curses.”
“Well, the Spirit Temple is way across the desert. Getting through is harder than you think it might be. Just ask the gatekeeper and she’ll let you through, if you want.”
“Time to go cross a deathly desert…” Saria spoke.
---
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
Great chapter
onebizarrekai
gay energy
I actually found quite a few typos in these chapters, especially 15. I fixed them all in the document, but I had already moved the original over here and forgotten what they were. Sorry
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 14: You Can’t Trust Hobos
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link flirted, Navi finally got her book, Saria scared people with her sword and they freed all the carpenters.
Now for Chapter Fourteen.
“Can you open up the gate?” Saria asked the Gerudo in front of the gate to the desert.
“Hey, rookies. Are you going into the desert? I’ll open this gate for you, but…*You can’t cross the desert unless you pass the two trials.”
“And what are those trials?”
“The first trial is the River of Sand! You can’t walk across this river! After you cross it, follow the flags we placed there. The second trial is the Phantom Guide! Those without the eyes that can see the truth will only find themselves returning here.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have the eye of truth. Now open the gate.”
“I won’t stop you from going…*Go ahead!” The Gerudo clapped her hands and the gate opened. “Good luck…”
“Wait, if Nabooru’s headquarters is out at the Spirit Temple…*How the heck did she get out there without the Lens of Truth?” Navi asked.
“Don’t ask me.”
-
-
“Well…*There’s the river of sand…” Link stated. There was a bunch of quicksand running in front of them.
“Here, I have a solution,” Saria said. She grabbed Link and Longshoted across the river. “Problem solved.”
“Now we have to follow all the flags…”
After a little while, they found themselves in front of a hobo on a magic carpet.
“What are you doing all the way out here in the desert?” Navi asked the hobo.
“I set up my store here,” the hobo replied.
“That’s a stupid idea. Nobody ever comes out here.”
“Well you just did! Would you like to buy my rare product?”
“What is it?”
“It is an extremely rare item! Only 200 rupees!”
“Wow! I sure would like something very rare!” Link exclaimed. He gave the hobo 200 rupees.
Link got a Bombchu!
“Heh heh! Suckers!” the hobo laughed. He flew away on his carpet.
“I wonder what it does…” Link wondered. He put it on the ground. It moved a few meters and then blew up. “…*Are you kidding? I wasted that money for a moving bomb?”
“That’s why you can’t trust hobos,” Saria told him. “I’m so glad that money came out of your wallet and not mine!”
Link groaned.
-
-
“BUILDING!” Link screamed. He dove into a hole that lead into the building. “Whew! I can see clearly again!”
Saria and Navi followed after him.
“I think I got sand in my boot.” Link took off his shoe and dumped out all the sand. There was a completely unrealistic amount of sand inside it.
“Link, we have to keep going,” Navi told him. “The sooner we leave, the sooner we’ll get there.”
“Oh fine.”
Link and Saria climbed out of the hole. Saria looked at an engraving on a nearby rock.
“There’s supposed to be a ghost that leads us to the Spirit Temple,” Saria stated. She took out the Lens of Truth and a Poe appeared.
“Hello there! I am your guide to the Spirit Temple!” the Poe greeted. “Come along now!”
The Poe began to fly away.
“Follow it!” Navi ordered.
“I can’t see it!” Link said.
“Follow me then!” Saria told him. She started chasing the Poe.
-
-
Much time later, they finally got to the Desert Colossus. The Poe disappeared.
“We’re here!” Link exclaimed. “No more sandstorms!”
“Look! There’s the Spirit Temple!” Navi said.
“I hope there’s air conditioner in there…”
“Wait! Look at those two trees over there right next to the wall! Doesn’t it seem kind of…*suspicious?” Saria asked. She ran over to it. “There’s a crack here!” She blew up the crack with bombs. The wall blew up, revealing an entrance.
They all walked in.
“No…*No!!” Link screamed. “Not the Great Fairy!”
There was a hideous cackle and the Great Fairy came out of the fountain.
“Heroes! I am another Great Fairy of Magic! Accept my gift!” the Great Fairy said.
Link got Nayru’s Love!
“What does it do?” Link questioned.
“It protects you from everything for thirty seconds,” the Great Fairy answered. She cackled and went back into the fountain.
“That was shorter than I thought,” Saria spoke.
-
-
In the Spirit Temple…
“So! Here’s the first room…” Navi said. “There are two sides…”
“One has a tiny hole…” Saria started.
“And one has a giant heavy block,” Link finished.
“I don’t think we can move that block right now, but I think I might be able to fit in the hole.”
“No! No! We can’t mess up the game!” Navi yelled. “Since you normally aren’t supposed to be here, we would probably have to go into the past in order to go in there! If we go through the hole in the future, we might screw the story.”
“Well fine, but I hope you are aware that we aren’t members of the fortress in the past.”
So they exited the temple. Sheik dropped in front of them.
“Past, present, future…*The Master Sword is a ship with which you can sail upstream and downstream through time’s river,” Sheik spoke. “The port for that ship is the Temple of Time…”
“Yeah, so?” Saria asked.
“To restore the Desert Colossus and enter the Spirit Temple, you must travel back through time’s flow. Listen to the Requiem of Spirit. This melody will lead a child back to the desert.”
“Oh, that song will warp us back here so we can get back in the past.”
“Right.” Sheik took out his harp and played the tune. Saria repeated it.
“I’ll see you again. By the way, in the past, once you complete it, don’t freak…”
“Freak about what?” Saria asked, but Sheik was already gone. And Link was already playing the Prelude of Light.
-
-
Once they were back in the Spirit Temple in the past…
“All right, now to get through that hole--” Saria started, but there was a Gerudo in the way. “Hello?”
“Hi there!” Link greeted.
“Who-- What do you want?” the Gerudo asked.
“Umm, nothing?”
“You have nothing to do? What good timing! Can you do me a favor, kid?”
“…*Sure?”
“Wait a second, I want to ask you first--you wouldn’t happen to be one of Ganondorf’s…*followers… would you?”
“Heck no. That guy is a freak.”
“Uh-huh! You’ve got guts. I think I like you.”
“Aw, really?”
“First of all, let me introduce myself. I’m Nabooru of the Gerudo. I’m a lone wolf thief. But don’t get me wrong! Though we’re both thieves, I’m completely different from Ganondorf.”
“That’s good.”
“With his followers, he stole from women and children, and he even killed people!”
“He’s evil. Very evil.”
“A kid like you may not know this, but the Gerudo race consists only of women. Only one man is born every hundred years.”
“How does that work?” Saria asked. “They can only have girls except for once a century?”
“What if the boy baby gets sick?” Link questioned.
“They never do, somehow…” Nabooru replied. “Even though our laws say that the lone male Gerudo must become the King of the Gerudo, I’ll never bow to such an evil man! By the way, what’s your name, kid?”
“I’m Link!”
“I’m Saria,” Saria told Nabooru.
“I’m Navi, but you probably don’t care,” Navi said.
“Link? What kind of name is that?” Nabooru asked.
“There’s a carpenter named Ichiro. Don’t go calling Link’s name weird,” Saria told her.
“Well…*Anyway… I want to ask you a favor…*Will you go through this tiny hole and get the treasure that’s inside? The treasure is the Silver Gauntlets. If you equip them, you can easily push and pull very heavy things!”
“Really?” Link asked, exciting.
“No, no, no, kid! Don’t even think about taking this treasure for yourself! The Silver Gauntlets won’t fit a little kid like you if you try to equip them! I want you to be a good boy and give them to me!”
“Wait, so I’ll never be able to wear them?” Saria complained. “Dang it! Sometimes being a Kokiri comes with some annoying things…”
“Ganondorf and his minions are using the Spirit Temple as a hideout. Only the Silver Gauntlets will allow me to sneak deep into the temple. Once there, I’m going to steal all the treasure inside and mess up their plans! How about it? Will you do it?”
“Do I get anything from this?” Link questioned, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes, we’ll do it,” Navi answered.
“Thanks! You and I, let’s give Ganondorf and his followers a big surprise, shall we?” Nabooru said, grinning.
“So…*His hideout is behind that giant block, right?” Saria asked, pointing to the other side of the room.
“Yes. Now if you can successfully get the Silver Gauntlets, I’ll do something great for you!”
“Into the temple!” Link said, crawling into the hole. Saria followed.
“Nabooru is totally the Sage of Spirit,” Navi stated.
“Has to be,” Saria replied.
-
-
“Did we just get skipped all the way to the end of the dungeon?” Saria asked.
“Probably,” Navi replied.
“OH NOEZ! ARMORED THINGY!” Link screamed, pointing at the Iron Knuckle on the other side of the room.
“Don’t worry Link, it’s just a statue. It’s not moving.”
Link walked up to the Iron Knuckle. He poked it. The Iron Knuckle stood up and raised its axe.
“OH CRAP!” Link yelled, running behind Saria. “Navi! You lied to me!”
“How was I supposed to know it wasn’t actually a statue?!” Navi argued.
“NONE SHALL PASS!” the Iron Knuckle said. “Without a Spirit Temple card!”
“Umm… Here?” Saria gave the Iron Knuckle a gift certificate that Mido had given her a heck long time ago.
“Permisson granted!” The Iron Knuckle let them through and gave the card back to Saria.
“Okay… Just out of curiousity, and don’t take this the wrong way, but can you see?”
“Nope! Now please pass already!”
“Well, sure…”
So they went through the door and found themselves outside, standing on one of the hands of the temple.
“Treasure chest! Yay!” Link cheered. He ran over and opened it.
Link got the Silver Gauntlets!
“Oh! Good! Now let’s go give them to Nabooru!” Navi said.
“Hey, whuzzup peeps?” a familer voice asked.
They all turned around.
“No…” Saria started.
“It can’t be…” Navi muttered.
“NOOO!” they all screamed.
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 15: Their Haggy Grip
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link bought a Bombchu from a hobo, Navi and Saria were boring, and they were kind of left off on a cliffhanger.
Now for Chapter Fifteen.
“IT’S GAAAABE!!” the trio screamed.
“What’s up, people? Surprised to see me?” Gabe asked.
“No duh! I thought you died!” Saria yelled.
“No, no. Just because I’m not here doesn’t mean I’m dead.”
“Well, we never ran into you in the future…”
“Saria, maybe he hasn’t died yet. We’re in the past, remember?” Navi reminded Saria.
“Oh yeah…”
“Anyway, a long time in this world is almost nothing to you, is it? How mysterious!”
“Where did you hear that?”
“Even though the tales of a boy and a girl who could travel back and forth through time was merely a legend. Link, you have fully matured as an adult.”
“Are you kidding me? What are you talking about? He’s ignoring you while he tries to catch a butterfly. He’s ten! He’s only slightly more matured when he’s older! And how would you know about us travelling through time if you never appeared in the future?!”
“I’m sorry, but that information is classified.”
“DERP!”
“From now on, the future of all the people in Hyrule is on your shoulders.”
Link suddenly fell to the ground, “It’s heavy…”
“No, it just means you two are the only ones Hyrule can depend on.”
“Hello!” Navi yelled. “I’m still here! What about me?!”
“Maybe it’s not my time anymore.”
“Wait, what?” Link, Saria and Navi all said at the same time.
“Does that mean you’re done stalking us?” Saria asked.
“Well, there isn’t much else I can do. Now that you’re in the final temple, I don’t need to help you with anything anymore.”
The three stared, wide-eyed.
“Here is my last advice. Two witches inhabit this temple. In order to destroy them, turn their own magic power against them. Hoo hoot!”
“Wow, that was like, the most useful information you’ve ever given us. Seriously. You never tell us how to beat the boss of the temple,” Saria stated.
“I said it was my last information, well, actually, because after this I’m getting fired from my job.”
“Wait, that doesn’t make sense… How could you get fired with the whole contract thing and everything? And how do you know that you're getting fired?!”
Gabe shrugged. “I dunno. Well, farewell. Hoo hoot.” He flew away.
“I wonder if I’m going to miss him,” Link said.
“Believe me, Link, you’re not,” Navi told him.
“So…*What did he mean by the witches when they’re magic is turned back against them?” Saria questioned.
“YEEARGGH! Let me go!!” a voice yelled.
Link, Saria and Navi looked all over the place.
“Look! There she is down there,” Navi said, pointing to the ground. There was Nabooru, getting sucked into some kind of magic with two old hags flying around her on broomsticks.
“You three! Get out of here! Now!” Nabooru yelled. “These witches! They’re using black magic on me!”
“Oh no! Nabooru is in trouble!” Link stated. “What do we do?!”
“Eeh he he he he he he he he!” one of the old hags laughed before the witches flew back into the temple and Nabooru was throughly sucked into the magic.
“Well crap, now what do we do?” Saria asked.
“I have an idea!” Link exclaimed. “Let’s go into the future so that I can wear these and move that heavy block, where they probably went somehow!”
“Leaving Nabooru in they’re haggy grip for seven whole years? That’s horrible, Link!”
“But it’s what we’re supposed to do! One half of the dungeon is obtaining the Silver Gauntlets as a child so that when you return in the future you can wear the Silver Gauntlets and get into the other half which holds the boss. Besides, we won’t be able to beat the boss with just a mediocre dagger.”
“Wow. That was the most mature thing Link has ever said throughout the entire story,” Navi spoke.
“BACK TO THE FUTURE!” Link took out the Ocarina of Time and played the Prelude of Light.
For what seemed like to them only a few minutes, they were back in the Desert Colossus with Link as an adult, wearing the Silver Gauntlets.
“Wow! I feel like Superman!” he exclaimed. He picked up a rock as big as him and tossed it, breaking it once it hit the ground. “COOL!”
“Now Link, let’s go back into the temple and move that giant block,” Navi told him gently.
“OKAY!” Link ran back into the temple and shoved the huge block out of the way. “Muahahahaha! Now that I have these, we are unstopable! Saria has a giant sword, Navi has special annoying abilities and I have super gloves!”
“Special annoying abilities?”
“No, seriously. I mean, if we were fighting a boss and you were flying all over them while yelling Hey! Listen! over and over, and possibly in different languages, I’m pretty sure they would be quite annoyed.”
“Good point. I think I’ll try it sometime.”
-
-
“Hey Saria, what was that thing that you gave to the Iron Knuckle before?” Navi asked Saria.
“A gift certificate to a place that Mido made up for me. He gave it to me and said it was at his house. I never went on purpose. I don’t know why I still have this crappy thing.”
“Well be glad that you have it now, or we may have not gotten past that one thing.”
“Hey, we’re in another Iron Knuckle room!” Link exclaimed.
“How do you know what it’s called?”
“I don’t know. Hey! Wakey wakey!” Link poked the Iron Knuckle.
“Halt! What are you doing?” the Iron Knuckle asked.
“Here’s my card!” Saria said, giving the Iron Knuckle the gift certificate.
“You do know this is a gift certificate to some place called Mido’s Magnificent Diner, right?”
“Well! Umm, I must have grabbed the wrong card!” Saria took the card back and took out the Gerudo Membership card.
“This is a Gerudo Membership card, not a Spirit Temple pass.”
“Your brother was blind, right…?” Saria slowly took the membership card back. “He let me through when I gave him the gift certificate…”
“What?! He did!? I have to go teach him a lesson!” The Iron Knuckle ran off, forgetting about everything.
“Hey! We can go through now!”
So they went through and found themselves on the other hand of the temple.
“Treasure chest!” Link exclaimed. He opened it up.
Link got two Mirror Shields!
“It’s a shield with a mirror on it…*How is that going to help us?” Saria asked, taking the smaller Mirror Shield from Link.
“Maybe it’s what we’re supposed to use to turn the hags’ magic back at them,” Link suggested. “It’s probably a magic mirror that can’t break.” He punched the mirror on his shield and it didn’t break. “Oww… See?”
“Well, time to go to the boss,” Navi said.
-
-
“Ho ho ho! Looks like someone is here, Koume…” one of the old hags said, once the trio entered the room.
“Hee hee hee! Looks like it, Kotake!” Koume replied.
“What an outrageous fellow he is, to intrude so boldly into our temple…*Ho ho ho!”
“We should teach this outrageous fellow a lesson! Hee hee hee!”
“Okay, stop laughing like that! It’s weird!” Saria yelled.
“Oh, loyal minion! Destroy this intruder on our behalf!” both the hags ordered at the same time.
“DESTROY!” the strange looking Iron Knuckle yelled, standing up and holding its hands in the air, but it had no axe. It snapped its fingers and one appeared.
“Well dang, I wish I could do that,” Link stated. “Make things appear out of mid air.”
Saria unsheathed her Biggoron’s Sword and charged towards the Iron Knuckle. There was a fierce battle between the two.
“Say good bye!” Saria spoke, raising her sword.
Suddenly the Iron Knuckle knelt down on one knee and all of the armor fell off. Nabooru was there!
“Oh crap, they turned you into an Iron Knuckle? I’m so sorry!” Saria withdrew her sword and took a few steps back.
“Unnnh…*Where am I…?” Nabooru wondered.
“Well, well, looks like she’s back to normal, Koume…” Kotake said.
“She’s just a little girl, but she commands a lot of respect among the Gerudo, Kotake…” Koume added.
“Maybe we should make her work for the great Ganondorf for a little while longer! Ho ho ho!”
“Then we should brainwash her again! Hee hee hee!”
“NO!” Nabooru screamed. She started to run away but the old hags got her and she disappeared. Then the old hags disappeared.
“Through that door!” Navi ordered. “Now! We can’t let those old hags do anything else horrible!”
They all ran through the door and found themselves in the boss chamber. There was a ladder leading up onto a big platform. Link and Saria climbed up.
“Look at that stupid kid! He came on his own to offer himself as a sacrifice to the great Ganondorf!” Kotake exclaimed.
“Hello? Am I not here anymore?” Saria yelled, waving her arms.
“With my flame, I will burn him to the bone!” Koume said. Her hair turned into fire.
“With my frost, I will freeze him to his soul!” Kotake spoke, her hair turning into ice.
“Muahahahaha! We are evil!” they stated at the same time.
“The Mirror Shields must be for turning their magic back against them!” Navi told Link and Saria. “When they fire a magic beam at you, reflect it to the opposite witch!”
“So fire goes to the ice witch and ice goes to the fire witch?” Link asked.
“Yes!”
Suddenly Koume fired a flame beam at Saria. She held up her shield and it flew to Kotake.
“Dang you, child!” Kotake said. “Turning my sister’s magic back at me!” In her anger, she fired an ice beam at Saria.
Saria once again held up her shield. It hit Koume.
“What’s your problem?!” Koume yelled.
“Heh heh,” Saria laughed.
The two old witches began to rapidly fire beams at Saria, not realizing she had the Mirror Shield and was reflecting them. This went on until both witches had been hit three times.
“Shoot, what a fresh kid!” Koume spoke. “This time, we’ll get serious, right Kotake?”
“Old witch power!” they said at the same time, flying into each other.
“Are they combining?” Link asked. “That’s freaky.”
After they had flown into each other, what was there was this hideous thing that was half ice and half fire.
“She reminds me of the Great Fairy, except she’s actually wearing clothes…” Saria stated.
Twinrova fired an ice beam at Saria. She held up her Mirror Shield, unsure of what would happen. It began to flash blue.
“Whoa, what the?”
“I will destroy you!” Twinrova yelled. It sounded like both Kotake and Koume talking at the same time. She fired another ice beam.
Saria caught it in her shield and it began to flash faster.
“Hmm, I wonder…” Saria started.
Twinrova decided to shoot a fire beam next. When it hit Saria’s shield, it began to flash slowly again, but it was red.
“I’ve figured out what we’re supposed to do!”
Twinrova shot another fire beam at Saria. Her shield flashed faster.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Twinrova asked. She fired an ice beam. Saria dodged it. “Oh, so you want some more fire, eh? I’ll give you fire!” The combined witch shot a flame beam at Saria. She caught it in her shield and it flashed faster than ever. Saria grinned.
After a few seconds, it shot out a huge burst of fire at Twinrova, knocking her to the ground. Saria charged at her with her huge sword and beat her with it so much she could not get up until she was defeated.
The two witches became two again soon after.
“Noo! That was supposed to work!” Koume yelled.
“Hahaha,” Saria laughed. “You can’t beat dah queen.”
“What? Hey, Koume, what is that above your head?” Kotake asked Koume.
“I don’t know, but you have one above your head too!” Koume replied.
“I can’t die! I’m only 400 years old!”
“And I’m just 380 years old!”
“We’re twins! Don’t try to lie about your age!”
“You must have gone senile!”
“Who are you calling senile?! Is that how you treat your older sister?”
“We’re twins! How can you be older?”
“Keeeyaaah!! How heartless you are!”
“How can you be so ungrateful?”
“You’re heartless!”
“You ungrateful…”
“Halos and light? What the heck is going on?” Link questioned. “You’re evil!”
“Hey! Somebody has messed with my list!” Nayru exclaimed. “Wrong direction, witches!”
A hole suddenly opened up and the witches fell into it. Then it disappeared.
“Hero of Time, thank goodness you noticed or else those evil hags would’ve ended up in the wrong place.”
“Haha! No need to thank me!” Link said.
“I’ll come back to haunt you!” Koume’s voice echoed.
“Hey! There’s the Heart Container!” Saria stated.
Saria got a Heart Container!
And they were all warped to the Chamber of Sages.
“Ah ha! I knew Nabooru would be the Sage of Spirit!” Navi exclaimed.
“Wow, if only I’d known that you would become such a handsome man,” Nabooru stated, staring at Link. “I should have kept the promise I made back then.”
“Well, you really didn’t have a choice anyway. We got the Silver Gauntlets and then you were being captured by witches.”
“WAAAAIT!” Saria yelled. “If she wasn’t being captured until after Gabe left…*Then it’s all Gabe’s fault that we couldn’t save her! Curse that owl!”
“I really messed up back then…” Nabooru stated. “I was brainwashed by those old witches and used by Ganondorf to do his evil will…*But isn’t it funny? That a person like me could turn out to be the Sage of Spirit! And now, I’m going to fight them as one of the six Sages! Heh heh… I’m going to pay them back for what they did to me!”
“So…*Do you want the gauntlets back?” Link asked.
“You can keep them! Now that I’m a sage, I don’t really need them anymore.”
“Yes!”
“Kid…*No! Link, the Hero of Time! Instead of keeping the promise I made back then, I give you this medallion! Take it!”
Link got the Spirit Medallion!
“What does this one do?” Link questioned.
“It smells like pumpkin soup,” Nabooru answered.
“Well okay…”
“Before you go, there is somebody waiting for you at the Temple of Time…” Rauru told them.
---
Dawn of the First Day! Three chapters remaining!
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 14: You Can’t Trust Hobos
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link flirted, Navi finally got her book, Saria scared people with her sword and they freed all the carpenters.
Now for Chapter Fourteen.
“Can you open up the gate?” Saria asked the Gerudo in front of the gate to the desert.
“Hey, rookies. Are you going into the desert? I’ll open this gate for you, but…*You can’t cross the desert unless you pass the two trials.”
“And what are those trials?”
“The first trial is the River of Sand! You can’t walk across this river! After you cross it, follow the flags we placed there. The second trial is the Phantom Guide! Those without the eyes that can see the truth will only find themselves returning here.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have the eye of truth. Now open the gate.”
“I won’t stop you from going…*Go ahead!” The Gerudo clapped her hands and the gate opened. “Good luck…”
“Wait, if Nabooru’s headquarters is out at the Spirit Temple…*How the heck did she get out there without the Lens of Truth?” Navi asked.
“Don’t ask me.”
-
-
“Well…*There’s the river of sand…” Link stated. There was a bunch of quicksand running in front of them.
“Here, I have a solution,” Saria said. She grabbed Link and Longshoted across the river. “Problem solved.”
“Now we have to follow all the flags…”
After a little while, they found themselves in front of a hobo on a magic carpet.
“What are you doing all the way out here in the desert?” Navi asked the hobo.
“I set up my store here,” the hobo replied.
“That’s a stupid idea. Nobody ever comes out here.”
“Well you just did! Would you like to buy my rare product?”
“What is it?”
“It is an extremely rare item! Only 200 rupees!”
“Wow! I sure would like something very rare!” Link exclaimed. He gave the hobo 200 rupees.
Link got a Bombchu!
“Heh heh! Suckers!” the hobo laughed. He flew away on his carpet.
“I wonder what it does…” Link wondered. He put it on the ground. It moved a few meters and then blew up. “…*Are you kidding? I wasted that money for a moving bomb?”
“That’s why you can’t trust hobos,” Saria told him. “I’m so glad that money came out of your wallet and not mine!”
Link groaned.
-
-
“BUILDING!” Link screamed. He dove into a hole that lead into the building. “Whew! I can see clearly again!”
Saria and Navi followed after him.
“I think I got sand in my boot.” Link took off his shoe and dumped out all the sand. There was a completely unrealistic amount of sand inside it.
“Link, we have to keep going,” Navi told him. “The sooner we leave, the sooner we’ll get there.”
“Oh fine.”
Link and Saria climbed out of the hole. Saria looked at an engraving on a nearby rock.
“There’s supposed to be a ghost that leads us to the Spirit Temple,” Saria stated. She took out the Lens of Truth and a Poe appeared.
“Hello there! I am your guide to the Spirit Temple!” the Poe greeted. “Come along now!”
The Poe began to fly away.
“Follow it!” Navi ordered.
“I can’t see it!” Link said.
“Follow me then!” Saria told him. She started chasing the Poe.
-
-
Much time later, they finally got to the Desert Colossus. The Poe disappeared.
“We’re here!” Link exclaimed. “No more sandstorms!”
“Look! There’s the Spirit Temple!” Navi said.
“I hope there’s air conditioner in there…”
“Wait! Look at those two trees over there right next to the wall! Doesn’t it seem kind of…*suspicious?” Saria asked. She ran over to it. “There’s a crack here!” She blew up the crack with bombs. The wall blew up, revealing an entrance.
They all walked in.
“No…*No!!” Link screamed. “Not the Great Fairy!”
There was a hideous cackle and the Great Fairy came out of the fountain.
“Heroes! I am another Great Fairy of Magic! Accept my gift!” the Great Fairy said.
Link got Nayru’s Love!
“What does it do?” Link questioned.
“It protects you from everything for thirty seconds,” the Great Fairy answered. She cackled and went back into the fountain.
“That was shorter than I thought,” Saria spoke.
-
-
In the Spirit Temple…
“So! Here’s the first room…” Navi said. “There are two sides…”
“One has a tiny hole…” Saria started.
“And one has a giant heavy block,” Link finished.
“I don’t think we can move that block right now, but I think I might be able to fit in the hole.”
“No! No! We can’t mess up the game!” Navi yelled. “Since you normally aren’t supposed to be here, we would probably have to go into the past in order to go in there! If we go through the hole in the future, we might screw the story.”
“Well fine, but I hope you are aware that we aren’t members of the fortress in the past.”
So they exited the temple. Sheik dropped in front of them.
“Past, present, future…*The Master Sword is a ship with which you can sail upstream and downstream through time’s river,” Sheik spoke. “The port for that ship is the Temple of Time…”
“Yeah, so?” Saria asked.
“To restore the Desert Colossus and enter the Spirit Temple, you must travel back through time’s flow. Listen to the Requiem of Spirit. This melody will lead a child back to the desert.”
“Oh, that song will warp us back here so we can get back in the past.”
“Right.” Sheik took out his harp and played the tune. Saria repeated it.
“I’ll see you again. By the way, in the past, once you complete it, don’t freak…”
“Freak about what?” Saria asked, but Sheik was already gone. And Link was already playing the Prelude of Light.
-
-
Once they were back in the Spirit Temple in the past…
“All right, now to get through that hole--” Saria started, but there was a Gerudo in the way. “Hello?”
“Hi there!” Link greeted.
“Who-- What do you want?” the Gerudo asked.
“Umm, nothing?”
“You have nothing to do? What good timing! Can you do me a favor, kid?”
“…*Sure?”
“Wait a second, I want to ask you first--you wouldn’t happen to be one of Ganondorf’s…*followers… would you?”
“Heck no. That guy is a freak.”
“Uh-huh! You’ve got guts. I think I like you.”
“Aw, really?”
“First of all, let me introduce myself. I’m Nabooru of the Gerudo. I’m a lone wolf thief. But don’t get me wrong! Though we’re both thieves, I’m completely different from Ganondorf.”
“That’s good.”
“With his followers, he stole from women and children, and he even killed people!”
“He’s evil. Very evil.”
“A kid like you may not know this, but the Gerudo race consists only of women. Only one man is born every hundred years.”
“How does that work?” Saria asked. “They can only have girls except for once a century?”
“What if the boy baby gets sick?” Link questioned.
“They never do, somehow…” Nabooru replied. “Even though our laws say that the lone male Gerudo must become the King of the Gerudo, I’ll never bow to such an evil man! By the way, what’s your name, kid?”
“I’m Link!”
“I’m Saria,” Saria told Nabooru.
“I’m Navi, but you probably don’t care,” Navi said.
“Link? What kind of name is that?” Nabooru asked.
“There’s a carpenter named Ichiro. Don’t go calling Link’s name weird,” Saria told her.
“Well…*Anyway… I want to ask you a favor…*Will you go through this tiny hole and get the treasure that’s inside? The treasure is the Silver Gauntlets. If you equip them, you can easily push and pull very heavy things!”
“Really?” Link asked, exciting.
“No, no, no, kid! Don’t even think about taking this treasure for yourself! The Silver Gauntlets won’t fit a little kid like you if you try to equip them! I want you to be a good boy and give them to me!”
“Wait, so I’ll never be able to wear them?” Saria complained. “Dang it! Sometimes being a Kokiri comes with some annoying things…”
“Ganondorf and his minions are using the Spirit Temple as a hideout. Only the Silver Gauntlets will allow me to sneak deep into the temple. Once there, I’m going to steal all the treasure inside and mess up their plans! How about it? Will you do it?”
“Do I get anything from this?” Link questioned, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes, we’ll do it,” Navi answered.
“Thanks! You and I, let’s give Ganondorf and his followers a big surprise, shall we?” Nabooru said, grinning.
“So…*His hideout is behind that giant block, right?” Saria asked, pointing to the other side of the room.
“Yes. Now if you can successfully get the Silver Gauntlets, I’ll do something great for you!”
“Into the temple!” Link said, crawling into the hole. Saria followed.
“Nabooru is totally the Sage of Spirit,” Navi stated.
“Has to be,” Saria replied.
-
-
“Did we just get skipped all the way to the end of the dungeon?” Saria asked.
“Probably,” Navi replied.
“OH NOEZ! ARMORED THINGY!” Link screamed, pointing at the Iron Knuckle on the other side of the room.
“Don’t worry Link, it’s just a statue. It’s not moving.”
Link walked up to the Iron Knuckle. He poked it. The Iron Knuckle stood up and raised its axe.
“OH CRAP!” Link yelled, running behind Saria. “Navi! You lied to me!”
“How was I supposed to know it wasn’t actually a statue?!” Navi argued.
“NONE SHALL PASS!” the Iron Knuckle said. “Without a Spirit Temple card!”
“Umm… Here?” Saria gave the Iron Knuckle a gift certificate that Mido had given her a heck long time ago.
“Permisson granted!” The Iron Knuckle let them through and gave the card back to Saria.
“Okay… Just out of curiousity, and don’t take this the wrong way, but can you see?”
“Nope! Now please pass already!”
“Well, sure…”
So they went through the door and found themselves outside, standing on one of the hands of the temple.
“Treasure chest! Yay!” Link cheered. He ran over and opened it.
Link got the Silver Gauntlets!
“Oh! Good! Now let’s go give them to Nabooru!” Navi said.
“Hey, whuzzup peeps?” a familer voice asked.
They all turned around.
“No…” Saria started.
“It can’t be…” Navi muttered.
“NOOO!” they all screamed.
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 15: Their Haggy Grip
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link bought a Bombchu from a hobo, Navi and Saria were boring, and they were kind of left off on a cliffhanger.
Now for Chapter Fifteen.
“IT’S GAAAABE!!” the trio screamed.
“What’s up, people? Surprised to see me?” Gabe asked.
“No duh! I thought you died!” Saria yelled.
“No, no. Just because I’m not here doesn’t mean I’m dead.”
“Well, we never ran into you in the future…”
“Saria, maybe he hasn’t died yet. We’re in the past, remember?” Navi reminded Saria.
“Oh yeah…”
“Anyway, a long time in this world is almost nothing to you, is it? How mysterious!”
“Where did you hear that?”
“Even though the tales of a boy and a girl who could travel back and forth through time was merely a legend. Link, you have fully matured as an adult.”
“Are you kidding me? What are you talking about? He’s ignoring you while he tries to catch a butterfly. He’s ten! He’s only slightly more matured when he’s older! And how would you know about us travelling through time if you never appeared in the future?!”
“I’m sorry, but that information is classified.”
“DERP!”
“From now on, the future of all the people in Hyrule is on your shoulders.”
Link suddenly fell to the ground, “It’s heavy…”
“No, it just means you two are the only ones Hyrule can depend on.”
“Hello!” Navi yelled. “I’m still here! What about me?!”
“Maybe it’s not my time anymore.”
“Wait, what?” Link, Saria and Navi all said at the same time.
“Does that mean you’re done stalking us?” Saria asked.
“Well, there isn’t much else I can do. Now that you’re in the final temple, I don’t need to help you with anything anymore.”
The three stared, wide-eyed.
“Here is my last advice. Two witches inhabit this temple. In order to destroy them, turn their own magic power against them. Hoo hoot!”
“Wow, that was like, the most useful information you’ve ever given us. Seriously. You never tell us how to beat the boss of the temple,” Saria stated.
“I said it was my last information, well, actually, because after this I’m getting fired from my job.”
“Wait, that doesn’t make sense… How could you get fired with the whole contract thing and everything? And how do you know that you're getting fired?!”
Gabe shrugged. “I dunno. Well, farewell. Hoo hoot.” He flew away.
“I wonder if I’m going to miss him,” Link said.
“Believe me, Link, you’re not,” Navi told him.
“So…*What did he mean by the witches when they’re magic is turned back against them?” Saria questioned.
“YEEARGGH! Let me go!!” a voice yelled.
Link, Saria and Navi looked all over the place.
“Look! There she is down there,” Navi said, pointing to the ground. There was Nabooru, getting sucked into some kind of magic with two old hags flying around her on broomsticks.
“You three! Get out of here! Now!” Nabooru yelled. “These witches! They’re using black magic on me!”
“Oh no! Nabooru is in trouble!” Link stated. “What do we do?!”
“Eeh he he he he he he he he!” one of the old hags laughed before the witches flew back into the temple and Nabooru was throughly sucked into the magic.
“Well crap, now what do we do?” Saria asked.
“I have an idea!” Link exclaimed. “Let’s go into the future so that I can wear these and move that heavy block, where they probably went somehow!”
“Leaving Nabooru in they’re haggy grip for seven whole years? That’s horrible, Link!”
“But it’s what we’re supposed to do! One half of the dungeon is obtaining the Silver Gauntlets as a child so that when you return in the future you can wear the Silver Gauntlets and get into the other half which holds the boss. Besides, we won’t be able to beat the boss with just a mediocre dagger.”
“Wow. That was the most mature thing Link has ever said throughout the entire story,” Navi spoke.
“BACK TO THE FUTURE!” Link took out the Ocarina of Time and played the Prelude of Light.
For what seemed like to them only a few minutes, they were back in the Desert Colossus with Link as an adult, wearing the Silver Gauntlets.
“Wow! I feel like Superman!” he exclaimed. He picked up a rock as big as him and tossed it, breaking it once it hit the ground. “COOL!”
“Now Link, let’s go back into the temple and move that giant block,” Navi told him gently.
“OKAY!” Link ran back into the temple and shoved the huge block out of the way. “Muahahahaha! Now that I have these, we are unstopable! Saria has a giant sword, Navi has special annoying abilities and I have super gloves!”
“Special annoying abilities?”
“No, seriously. I mean, if we were fighting a boss and you were flying all over them while yelling Hey! Listen! over and over, and possibly in different languages, I’m pretty sure they would be quite annoyed.”
“Good point. I think I’ll try it sometime.”
-
-
“Hey Saria, what was that thing that you gave to the Iron Knuckle before?” Navi asked Saria.
“A gift certificate to a place that Mido made up for me. He gave it to me and said it was at his house. I never went on purpose. I don’t know why I still have this crappy thing.”
“Well be glad that you have it now, or we may have not gotten past that one thing.”
“Hey, we’re in another Iron Knuckle room!” Link exclaimed.
“How do you know what it’s called?”
“I don’t know. Hey! Wakey wakey!” Link poked the Iron Knuckle.
“Halt! What are you doing?” the Iron Knuckle asked.
“Here’s my card!” Saria said, giving the Iron Knuckle the gift certificate.
“You do know this is a gift certificate to some place called Mido’s Magnificent Diner, right?”
“Well! Umm, I must have grabbed the wrong card!” Saria took the card back and took out the Gerudo Membership card.
“This is a Gerudo Membership card, not a Spirit Temple pass.”
“Your brother was blind, right…?” Saria slowly took the membership card back. “He let me through when I gave him the gift certificate…”
“What?! He did!? I have to go teach him a lesson!” The Iron Knuckle ran off, forgetting about everything.
“Hey! We can go through now!”
So they went through and found themselves on the other hand of the temple.
“Treasure chest!” Link exclaimed. He opened it up.
Link got two Mirror Shields!
“It’s a shield with a mirror on it…*How is that going to help us?” Saria asked, taking the smaller Mirror Shield from Link.
“Maybe it’s what we’re supposed to use to turn the hags’ magic back at them,” Link suggested. “It’s probably a magic mirror that can’t break.” He punched the mirror on his shield and it didn’t break. “Oww… See?”
“Well, time to go to the boss,” Navi said.
-
-
“Ho ho ho! Looks like someone is here, Koume…” one of the old hags said, once the trio entered the room.
“Hee hee hee! Looks like it, Kotake!” Koume replied.
“What an outrageous fellow he is, to intrude so boldly into our temple…*Ho ho ho!”
“We should teach this outrageous fellow a lesson! Hee hee hee!”
“Okay, stop laughing like that! It’s weird!” Saria yelled.
“Oh, loyal minion! Destroy this intruder on our behalf!” both the hags ordered at the same time.
“DESTROY!” the strange looking Iron Knuckle yelled, standing up and holding its hands in the air, but it had no axe. It snapped its fingers and one appeared.
“Well dang, I wish I could do that,” Link stated. “Make things appear out of mid air.”
Saria unsheathed her Biggoron’s Sword and charged towards the Iron Knuckle. There was a fierce battle between the two.
“Say good bye!” Saria spoke, raising her sword.
Suddenly the Iron Knuckle knelt down on one knee and all of the armor fell off. Nabooru was there!
“Oh crap, they turned you into an Iron Knuckle? I’m so sorry!” Saria withdrew her sword and took a few steps back.
“Unnnh…*Where am I…?” Nabooru wondered.
“Well, well, looks like she’s back to normal, Koume…” Kotake said.
“She’s just a little girl, but she commands a lot of respect among the Gerudo, Kotake…” Koume added.
“Maybe we should make her work for the great Ganondorf for a little while longer! Ho ho ho!”
“Then we should brainwash her again! Hee hee hee!”
“NO!” Nabooru screamed. She started to run away but the old hags got her and she disappeared. Then the old hags disappeared.
“Through that door!” Navi ordered. “Now! We can’t let those old hags do anything else horrible!”
They all ran through the door and found themselves in the boss chamber. There was a ladder leading up onto a big platform. Link and Saria climbed up.
“Look at that stupid kid! He came on his own to offer himself as a sacrifice to the great Ganondorf!” Kotake exclaimed.
“Hello? Am I not here anymore?” Saria yelled, waving her arms.
“With my flame, I will burn him to the bone!” Koume said. Her hair turned into fire.
“With my frost, I will freeze him to his soul!” Kotake spoke, her hair turning into ice.
“Muahahahaha! We are evil!” they stated at the same time.
“The Mirror Shields must be for turning their magic back against them!” Navi told Link and Saria. “When they fire a magic beam at you, reflect it to the opposite witch!”
“So fire goes to the ice witch and ice goes to the fire witch?” Link asked.
“Yes!”
Suddenly Koume fired a flame beam at Saria. She held up her shield and it flew to Kotake.
“Dang you, child!” Kotake said. “Turning my sister’s magic back at me!” In her anger, she fired an ice beam at Saria.
Saria once again held up her shield. It hit Koume.
“What’s your problem?!” Koume yelled.
“Heh heh,” Saria laughed.
The two old witches began to rapidly fire beams at Saria, not realizing she had the Mirror Shield and was reflecting them. This went on until both witches had been hit three times.
“Shoot, what a fresh kid!” Koume spoke. “This time, we’ll get serious, right Kotake?”
“Old witch power!” they said at the same time, flying into each other.
“Are they combining?” Link asked. “That’s freaky.”
After they had flown into each other, what was there was this hideous thing that was half ice and half fire.
“She reminds me of the Great Fairy, except she’s actually wearing clothes…” Saria stated.
Twinrova fired an ice beam at Saria. She held up her Mirror Shield, unsure of what would happen. It began to flash blue.
“Whoa, what the?”
“I will destroy you!” Twinrova yelled. It sounded like both Kotake and Koume talking at the same time. She fired another ice beam.
Saria caught it in her shield and it began to flash faster.
“Hmm, I wonder…” Saria started.
Twinrova decided to shoot a fire beam next. When it hit Saria’s shield, it began to flash slowly again, but it was red.
“I’ve figured out what we’re supposed to do!”
Twinrova shot another fire beam at Saria. Her shield flashed faster.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Twinrova asked. She fired an ice beam. Saria dodged it. “Oh, so you want some more fire, eh? I’ll give you fire!” The combined witch shot a flame beam at Saria. She caught it in her shield and it flashed faster than ever. Saria grinned.
After a few seconds, it shot out a huge burst of fire at Twinrova, knocking her to the ground. Saria charged at her with her huge sword and beat her with it so much she could not get up until she was defeated.
The two witches became two again soon after.
“Noo! That was supposed to work!” Koume yelled.
“Hahaha,” Saria laughed. “You can’t beat dah queen.”
“What? Hey, Koume, what is that above your head?” Kotake asked Koume.
“I don’t know, but you have one above your head too!” Koume replied.
“I can’t die! I’m only 400 years old!”
“And I’m just 380 years old!”
“We’re twins! Don’t try to lie about your age!”
“You must have gone senile!”
“Who are you calling senile?! Is that how you treat your older sister?”
“We’re twins! How can you be older?”
“Keeeyaaah!! How heartless you are!”
“How can you be so ungrateful?”
“You’re heartless!”
“You ungrateful…”
“Halos and light? What the heck is going on?” Link questioned. “You’re evil!”
“Hey! Somebody has messed with my list!” Nayru exclaimed. “Wrong direction, witches!”
A hole suddenly opened up and the witches fell into it. Then it disappeared.
“Hero of Time, thank goodness you noticed or else those evil hags would’ve ended up in the wrong place.”
“Haha! No need to thank me!” Link said.
“I’ll come back to haunt you!” Koume’s voice echoed.
“Hey! There’s the Heart Container!” Saria stated.
Saria got a Heart Container!
And they were all warped to the Chamber of Sages.
“Ah ha! I knew Nabooru would be the Sage of Spirit!” Navi exclaimed.
“Wow, if only I’d known that you would become such a handsome man,” Nabooru stated, staring at Link. “I should have kept the promise I made back then.”
“Well, you really didn’t have a choice anyway. We got the Silver Gauntlets and then you were being captured by witches.”
“WAAAAIT!” Saria yelled. “If she wasn’t being captured until after Gabe left…*Then it’s all Gabe’s fault that we couldn’t save her! Curse that owl!”
“I really messed up back then…” Nabooru stated. “I was brainwashed by those old witches and used by Ganondorf to do his evil will…*But isn’t it funny? That a person like me could turn out to be the Sage of Spirit! And now, I’m going to fight them as one of the six Sages! Heh heh… I’m going to pay them back for what they did to me!”
“So…*Do you want the gauntlets back?” Link asked.
“You can keep them! Now that I’m a sage, I don’t really need them anymore.”
“Yes!”
“Kid…*No! Link, the Hero of Time! Instead of keeping the promise I made back then, I give you this medallion! Take it!”
Link got the Spirit Medallion!
“What does this one do?” Link questioned.
“It smells like pumpkin soup,” Nabooru answered.
“Well okay…”
“Before you go, there is somebody waiting for you at the Temple of Time…” Rauru told them.
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Dawn of the First Day! Three chapters remaining!
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
LOVE the THREE CHAPTERS REMAINING!
