I know I've posted this to my literary repository but every time this song comes to mind, I smile a little so I think it belongs here.
To the tune of Funky Cold Medina
*Parental Advisory*
So I'm at the Lumpy Pumpkin,
And I'm lookin' for a date,
Feelin' like Weird Al said,
"Like wow man, can you relate?",
Kina's at the bar,
But she ain't want none this elf,
If she be that way,
Then she'll have to play,
With them pumpkins by herself.
And Groose has got his chickies,
At the other end of the place,
Tellin' them he's the slickest knight,
Just to rub it in my face.
So I pulled the guy aside,
Told the ladies, "He'll be see'n ya.",
I asks him straight,
"How'd you get a date?",
He said, "Funky Cool Saflina."
Funky Cool Saflina.
So that was Groose's secret,
For how to pick up chicks,
Saflina was all I needed to,
Get myself in the mix.
"It's like playin' Epona's Song to cows,
Or Love Potion Number Nine,
You'll ask her to,
Scoot close to you,
And she'll be so inclined."
So I gave some to my bird,
When she began to beg,
Then she winked at me,
And involuntarily,
She laid a dozen eggs.
She used to squak and squabble,
Whenever I had seen her,
But now I'm blessed,
When I fill her nest,
With the Funky Cool Saflina.
Funky Cool Saflina
So I screwed up all my courage,
And walked on up to Kina,
She said, "Who are you?",
But I played it coo',
And offered her Saflina.
She said, "What's in this drink?",
I said, "You'll like it, try it."
When the drink was gone,
That chick was on,
The Cool Saflina Diet.
So I took her to my dorm room,
Yeah she had my knees a-wobblin',
But when she got undressed,
It was a big old mess,
Kina was a moblin.
So I threw her out, I don't play about,
With no pigly misdemeanor,
If she got a snout,
Then I ain't about,
That Funky Cool Saflina.
You know what I'm sayin' y'all? That swine ain't fine.
Yeah, Funky Cool Saflina.
I ain't gettin' down.
Back out on the prowl,
Leavin' those pumpkin lumps in the past,
Gotta get some affection,
And I'd better get it fast.
I was gettin' desperate now,
So I made a drastic inquest,
And before you knew,
Got a table for two,
With the finest little zoran princess.
So after we have dinner,
I can sense she's gettin' ho'ney,
But before I can proposition her,
She's talkin' matrimony.
Now the most that I was hoping for,
She'd play my ocarina,
But that's what I get for messing 'round,
With the Funky Cool Saflina.
Funky Cool Saflina.