Link Goes to a Bar (and then some other stuff happens)

[AwdryFan1997]

See here for context.

Chapter One: The Braggart and the Bartender ​

Link crawled up the charred wall of the volcano looking like Anakin Skywalker at the end of Revenge of the Sith. This is just how I like my heroes: medium rare.

LINK: It’s been one of those days! You’re probably wondering how I got into this situation.

SEVERAL UNITS OF MEASURING TIME EARLIER:

A guy walked into a bar. He was not wearing pants.

There was nothing stopping the saloon doors from slamming into the wall after being dramatically swung open by the wannabe cowboy. Alas, the lad had neither the swagger nor the vulgarity to pull off ‘the look’. He was clad in a poor man’s Peter Pan costume, with hair that cost money to upkeep and a face that conspiracy theorists would raise hell about. And those EARS. The drunkards exchanged looks. This kid was either an elf, a Vulcan, or a nerd.

Link strutted over to the barkeeper and hopped up onto a stool. The barkeep looked down upon the man who truly thought he belonged at this establishment.

LINK: Get me a drink, bartender.

The barman sighed as he grabbed a mug that was just barely clean enough to drink out of. Link seemed rather repulsed by it nonetheless, but wasn’t about to complain just yet.

BARTENDER: What do you want?

LINK: A drink. I just said that.

BARTENDER: I mean, what do you want to drink?

LINK: Oh, well, I hadn’t thought of that, actually. Surprise me!

“Dishwater it is, then,” the bartender mused to himself. He then concocted the most dangerously alcoholic (more importantly, the most expensive) drink he didn’t know. Link looked at it with such innocent childlike wonder.

LINK: Could I get a straw?

A regular at the establishment shouted something not suitable for print in response to this request. Fortunately for him, Link assumed the slur was directed at someone else. The bartender, eyebrow permanently raised, fetched a curly straw from the mass of cobwebs in between the Baby’s First Vape juice and the Fisher-Price E-cigarettes. He considered asking for Link’s ID, but decided he wasn’t paid enough to go to the trouble.

BARTENDER: So, where you from, kid?

Link was about to say Hyrule, but he decided to stretch the truth a bit to not draw attention to himself. As if that would ever happen.

LINK: Calatia. People say I have an accent. Could you tell?

Link was about as Calatian as an Irish-American is Irish. The Bartender, who had met many inebriated Calatians who had to be forcibly removed from the premises, could not tell Link was Calatian because he wasn’t, and the Bartender was quick to realize this.

BARTENDER: You look like someone who’d wake up in someone else’s house after a bender, and have to be evicted by force.

LINK: What, because I’m not wearing pants?

BARTENDER: No, you’re not wearing pants because your daddy beat your ass until it was as red as an apple.

A collective “Ooooh!” rose from the pub’s patrons.

LINK: My father died before I was old enough for ass-whooping.

A collective "Oh..." was sympathetically murmured.

BARTENDER: I'm very sorry for your loss. May I ask how he died?

LINK: That's a bit intrusive, but as a matter of fact I love to talk about my father's untimely demise. He was murdered by that vile fiend Ganon!

The bar went silent. Link, who had no self-awareness, didn't notice. The Bartender raised an eyebrow, but before he could reply, Link began expositing.

LINK: My father was one of the last proper Knights of Hyrule. You'll hear a lot of orphans claim to be descended from the Knights, and while this may be because most of the Knights were murdered and their children therefore orphaned, trust me when I say the truth is that most of them are faking it.

The alcoholics began whispering to each other about whooping Link's ass, since his father never got to.

LINK: Seriously, everyone in that Children of the Knights nonprofit are a bunch of thugs and liars. But whatever. I'm one of the real ones, you know? That's why Ganon's goons came to my house when I was about two or three, and killed him and my mother. Well, my mother didn't die immediately; she got my sister and I to safety while my father single-handedly fought off the assailants, at the cost of his own life.

The semi-colon in that sentence was silent.

LINK: So I was raised by the Kokiri and the Great Deku Tree for a few years, before I was found and returned to civilization. Moved in with my grandparents on an island out on the Great Sea, before returning here to work as a blacksmith's apprentice on the recommendation of my now-dead grandfather. My sister's still out there with my grandmother, while I'm now living with my uncle. Of course, I lost that smithing gig, and now I'm working as a freelance farmhand.

The Bartender didn't bother asking how Link lost his "gig", mainly because he'd checked out of that conversation at "my father". The Bartender already knew enough about Link, as he'd recognized him as soon as he'd come through the door.

BARTENDER: Well, at least you got revenge on Ganon, eh?

LINK: Yeah, it felt-

Link realized his error too late.

LINK: Oh my stars and garters! How did you know?

BARTENDER: Come on, man. You're the only one in this country that dresses in that ridiculous getup. Aside from kids dressing up as you, of course.

LINK: Well, uh, I didn't see this coming. Does this mean I get the drink on the house?

BARTENDER: Probably. Back to the subject of Ganon...

LINK: Oh, right! It felt great. Not really because of the personal vendetta or whatever. It felt good because he was a no-good, rotten scoundrel, who had his death coming to him from over a mile away. It felt good to slice off his arms, then his legs, and then-

BARTENDER: His balls?

LINK: Uh, yeah.

BARTENDER: Please, say your catchphrase.

Many of the regulars began jeering in agreement.

BARTENDER: What are you gonna do if Ganon comes back?

LINK: I'm gonna chop off his balls?

Someone yelled, "LIKE YOU MEAN IT!"

LINK: I'M GONNA CHOP OFF HIS BALLS!

The bar erupted in excitement. Link grinned. He was okay with drawing attention to himself if it fueled his ego.

LINK: Yeah, that felt good, too. Overall I'd recommend the experience of killing Ganondorf Dragmire to everyone I meet. Except obviously they can't, because I already did.

BARTENDER: Well, there are certainly some who supported him.

LINK: Yeah, like those Yiga terrorists I've been bumping off, or the Gerudo who brought him to power in the first place. It's unbelieveable that he got as far as he did. The government's taking good action to quell any future incidents. But I don't think their policies will last for a century, when he inevitably returns.

BARTENDER: So you believe the legends?

LINK: Of Zelda? I mean, yeah, I've met her. And I do believe this Ganon creep is gonna keep reincarnating. I haven't played Tears of the Kingdom, by the way, so no spoilers.

BARTENDER: Of course. You know, they never did say what happened to his remains after you slashed him into ribbons.

Link began to tire of the tavern, and was clearly antsy to leave.

LINK: Uh, they hauled him up to the top of Death Mountain, where the Gorons have a special furnace for incinerating stuff. The hottest furnace in the world, so they say. There was nothing left after they cremated him. Not even ashes.

BATRENDER: Ah, I see.... Will that be all for you, Mr. Link?

LINK: Anderson.

BARTENDER: Hm?

LINK: My last name is Anderson.

Link's last name was not Anderson.

BARTENDER: Will that be all for you, Sir?

LINK: Yeah. I'm gonna head out now...

Link staggered out of the bar, heavily intoxicated. The patrons of the bar had very mixed opinions on being in Link's presence. The Bartender, however, was glad to have met him. He didn't care that Link hadn't paid for the drink, nor even left a tip. He was a staunch follower of Ganon, and had taken the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to poison Link's drink. He contently anticipated hearing the news of Link's untimely death.

Alas, Link was predestined to survive, because we haven't gotten to the part where he's sixth-degree burned and crawling up the inner wall of a volcano. So, to be continued, and all that.

End of Chapter One.

​

 

[Chevywolf30]

LINK: So I was raised by the Kokiri and the Great Deku Tree for a few years, before I was found and returned to civilization. Moved in with my grandparents on an island out on the Great Sea, before returning here to work as a blacksmith's apprentice on the recommendation of my now-dead grandfather. My sister's still out there with my grandmother, while I'm now living with my uncle. Of course, I lost that smithing gig, and now I'm working as a freelance farmhand.

All of this was fantastic but this bit specifically was ****in genius.

 

[MightyMario]

This was awesome!

 

[AwdryFan1997]

Chapter Two: The Dead Speak ​

The combination of alcohol and poison had taken quite a toll on Link as he stumbled through the village streets. No one was quite willing to help him, as not only were delusional drunkards common in the area, but Link had also maimed at least one pedestrian he'd mistaken for a Daira. Link's condition continued to deteriorate for some time, before he collapsed in the middle of the street. A bystander swept him into the gutter so he wouldn't be run over, as Hyrule does not have "good samaritan" laws.

Link's unconsciousness coincided with an unusually loud clap of thunder, the kind you hear when meteorologists give a "severe thunderstorm warning". This was especially odd considering the sky was completely empty. But on Death Mountain, it was quite full.

There are at least four separate places in Hyrule called simply "Eldin Springs" or "the Springs of Eldin". At least one of these locations was the setting of the following events, where the sky was clogged with dark storm clouds bringing down an abnormal amount of rain for the region. Severe flooding caused problems for Gorons on Death Mountain, who were not used to heavy downpours that weren't rocks. And the Eldin Springs, which weren't just hot springs of water but of also "I can't believe it's not lava", the stuff that smells like rotten eggs and appears in a few close-up shots in Pink Floyd: Live at Pompeii (1972), was clouded by steam. These incredibly inhospitable conditions led surviving explorers to nickname it "Hellowstone", one of the few places most certainly deadlier than Death Mountain. So it was quite a surprise when someone was resurrected there.

A soft, liquid hand emerged from the molten gunk, then dissipated and fell back in. The second time in emerged, it was calcified, and grasped the solid ground outside the pool. The creature dragged itself along this ground, beginning to take its shape. It grew two relatively weak legs that it did its best to walk on. It had no eyes, not that it could see through the thick wall of fog brought on by the rain. The rain stung the creature, whose reforming skin was burned raw by the magmatic goo. It had no brain to think or feel, so it could not react to the unimaginable pain it was in. Nor did it have a mouth, so that even without its brain, it could not scream. And thus the creature walked.

The creature attempted to wash itself in a boiling pool of water. It learned the hard way that the pool was deadly, but its legs miraculously grew back after being melted off. The creature continued to walk, narrowly avoiding repeating the error by accident. But eventually he came to a river leading into a cave. The creature knew, by nervous instinct, that it would have to wade through this scalding stream. And so it did. And through its pain, anger, and hatred, the creature grew a brain, and a mouth. And thus the creature screamed.

The creature, now a man, entered the cave, where conditions were far more hospitable. It was deathly cold, though compared to the unbearable heat, it was a relief. The man, who was glad to have his limbs back after Link had triumphantly severed them and them alone (despite what some would have you believe, Ganondorf had not actually been neutered), had grown up in both heat and cold, and so didn't really care either way as long as he wasn't dying. Ganon regained his composure and confidence, glad that this overdramatic description of his torment was over.

Ganondorf traversed the mist-filled cave, doing his best not to slip on the iced floor. He eventually made it to his reward unscathed. A small cliff overlooking a deep pond; the room illuminated by an unseen source of light. A voice spoke to Ganondorf.

THE VOICE: Ganondorf Dragmire...

Ganondorf recognized the tone of the voice.

GANON: You're a Great Fairy.

THE VOICE: What!? That's supposed to be my great secret!

Ganondorf decided now was a good time for posturing.

GANON: You underestimate my power.

THE VOICE: How can a meathead like you have that kind of intuition?

GANON: Meathead? Wench, if I could see you, I would drown you in the depths of this pond. I am all-powerful in all regards. And knowledge is power. I am incomparably intelligent.

THE VOICE: Oh, really? So you know the Source?

GANON: Of the power of the Spring? Yes. I will name it the Rod of Mandragora.

Ganondorf did not remember how he came to know this information, though he hardly cared in that moment.

THE VOICE: Do you know what Mandragora means, or are you just pulling that word out of your ass like that one Doctor Who episode?

GANON: I mean the Gerudo word Mandragora. "Aura of the Enchanted Thieves". That's my guild. My clan, if you will. My family. I am Mandrag Gannon just as much as I am Ganondorf Dragmire.

THE VOICE: So who am I, then?

GANON: The Voice. Henceforth, the Voice of Mandragora.

THE VOICE: You can't just call everything that!

GANON: Yes I can! It is all forever cursed with my aura! The Aura of Mandragora! I mean, the Enchanted Thieves or whatever.

THE VOICE: Well, if you claim to know everything, what is the choice that I am about to offer you? Believe me, no one has been here in quite some time. I doubt rumors or myths can pass down this long.

"Believe me, they can't." the thief thought to himself.

GANON: You are going to offer me a choice. Either you restore me to the status of living with enhanced power, or you offer me an opportunity to achieve something greater. That opportunity is of my selection.

THE VOICE: I hate it when people know more than me.

"Do I?" the warlock wondered to himself.

GANON: And because I already have power, I will take the opportunity.

THE VOICE: What opportunity do you desire?

Ganondorf smiled, having planned this since he regained his brain some minutes earlier.

GANON: I want the opportunity to swim to the bottom of this pond, and take the Rod of Mandragora for myself.

THE VOICE: What!? The Source has never been disturbed since the Springs were formed all those millennia ago! And, and, if you enter these waters...

GANON: I claim the powers regardless. I have outwitted you, Voice of Mandragora.

THE VOICE: Is this why you are so hated, Mr. Dragmire? You're an insufferable, manipulative, puppeteering-

GANON: -genius. I am a genius.

THE VOICE: Very well! I shall grant you this opportunity! But know this, Mandrag Gannon: you shall never win the Triforce!

GANON: When I get my hands on the Rod, I shan't need the Triforce!

The Voice knew that Ganondorf was bluffing, but they followed through anyway. The Pond's depths became visibly evident. Ganondorf dove into the Pond and began swimming. Before long, he realized that, in spite of his athleticism, he was unable to complete this challenge. He began to drown. However, he soon remembered the power of the Spring included near-immortality, and so continued. Deliberately drowning himself and quickly descending to the bottom, he found himself standing before the newly-dubbed Rod of Mandragora.

Proud of himself, Ganon grabbed the Rod with both hands and began to pull. Immediately, he began to feel his age leaving him. He saw the past and future. He saw himself as ultimate ruler of Hyrule, and he found that image quite pleasing.

Thus, he continued to pull.

End of Chapter Two.
​

 

[Chevywolf30]

Holy crap you did a freaking amazing job writing the whole lava rebirth thing.

 

[MightyMario]

Oh wow Glanon Dragmire is about to giggity giggity goo his way to being ruler of Hyrule

 

[AwdryFan1997]

Chapter Three: "Three!" ​

On the third tug, the Rod of Mandragora came loose. Ganondorf was surrounded by an impressive whirlpool that didn't really seem to affect him all that much. Laughing like a supervillain (while still underwater, mind you), he began to ascend. After being bathed in blinding light, Ganondorf awakened, emerging from an unusually clean river, the Rod still in his grasp. The local Moblins were a bit surprised to see the King of Evil just casually coming out of the water like that. Of course, they were too busy bowing down to their master to really question it for long.

I wonder what happened to Link? Let's check in on him, shall we...

Link woke up in the hospital bed with a massive hangover. This did not stop his waking up from being very sudden and dramatic.

NURSE: It's a miracle! And by that I mean it's almost impossible.

LINK: What!? Where-!? How-!?

NURSE: Calm down, lad, all in good time!

LINK: What happened? Where am I? How long was I out?

NURSE: Well, you were poisoned, you're in hospital, and you've been out for three-

LINK: THREE!? THREE!? Mirror! MIRROR!

The nurse, quite perturbed, quickly grabbed the bedside mirror and handed it to the hysterical Link. Link looked at his face, and screamed in horror at his mild five o'clock shadow.

NURSE: Mr. Smith, please-

Link leapt out of bed, his shroud or nightgown or whatever those humiliating hospital clothes are called (being forced to wear those should be a crime) not leaving much to the imagination as he sprinted out the door.

Running down the street and causing much panic to those who remembered him from his previous public appearance, Link chattered deliriously about Ganon's ashes being in the water supply because they were sent up into the atmosphere through the furnace's smokestack or something like that.

Arriving at the town cemetery, he tore the rusted gate off its hinges and tossed it aside. He was horrified to see what he perceived as an increase in tombstones (though obviously he was too busy graverobbing to stop and count) and ran through the tall grass before reaching the largest of the stones. He cleared the moss to confirm his greatest fear. Etched into the stone was the name of Hyrule's richest dead man: EBENEEZER SCROOGE.

Link yelled "No!" for a short while before realizing he had no idea who Scrooge was. He had, however, attracted the attention of many local authorities. Link brandished the mirror that he'd forgotten to drop.

LINK: Stay back! I should be considered armed and dangerous!

The police drew their weapons.

LINK: Tarnations!

Link made a break for it. The police gave pursuit. Five fences hopped later, they finally cornered Link in an alleyway between a bakery and a hard place.

LINK: You'll never take me alive!

COP: Don't do anything stupid, kid! Just come quietly!

A voice shouted "Wait!" and an ugly man in a tank top and a red hat came running.

POSTMAN: Wait! Wait! Don't shoot him yet! I need to deliver a letter!

LINK: No, please, shoot me! I hate this guy!

The Postman panted as the police parted to let him through.

POSTMAN: A letter from Princess Zelda!

LINK: Oh, what the hell could she want? Gimme the damn letter!

The Postman's garb looked only slightly less ridiculous than that oversized shopping bag the hospital had dressed Link in. Link was not just being arrested for being a public nuisance, but for public indecency as well.

LINK: "Somehow, Ganondorf returned." Did he now? Or are you just that desperate to see me? Could've just been honest, Princess. Or better yet, come in person. Maybe she could've mentioned this three ago, when I had much more free time.

COP: On that subject, can you let us arrest you now?

LINK: Take me to see Princess Zelda at once!

COP: What are we, your personal taxi service? Don't you have a horse or something?

LINK: I traded her for some Pokemon cards.

COP: You are a very disturbed young man.

LINK: Shut up! I'm Link! I'm so cool! Watch this!

Link jumped onto a dumpster, attempted to ascend the wall like Spiderman, and then fell into the dumpster because this isn't Breath of the Wild. Or Skyward Sword, thankfully.

LINK: Hey, I just found a copy of Skyward Sword in the dumpster!

Three hours later, the police wheeled the dumpster into Hyrule Castle. Princess Zelda sighed in disappointment. She was less than pleased to see that the Postman's reply had been accurate. Not only was Link in a dumpster, but if that part had been true then that meant he was also wearing the most inhumane "clothing" (inhumane for both wearer and witness) and, even worse, was armed with a copy of Skyward Sword.

All of this information had been provided in the letter, guarateed to be genuine by Link's awful handwriting. "I will never forget the day I saw the beautiful calligraphy of another left-handed person, and was forever depressed to know that Link's neanderthalic penmanship was not a natural disability," Zelda had been quoted as saying some years earlier.

Zelda knocked on the closed lid of the dumpster (the other lid, much less recently closed, had a large dent in it from Link jumping off of it during that Spiderman stunt).

ZELDA: Link? Are you in there?

Zelda already knew Link was in the dumpster, so she was quick to add:

ZELDA: That was a rhetorical question, in case you hadn't already realized.

LINK: Zelda.

ZELDA: Yes?

LINK: I'm in the dumpster.

Zelda sighed again, hating how believable this situation was.

ZELDA: I know you're in the dumpster, Link. Will you please get out of the dumpster?

LINK: I'll take it into consideration, Your Highness.

ZELDA: I can't believe this.

As stated above, she definitely could, and did.

ZELDA: We defeated Ganon together, and then you left. You disappeared from our lives for all this time. Impa thought you were dead! Only I had hope, because I have psychokinetic magic that let me sense your life force or whatever. Now Ganon's back, and you're sitting in a dumpster after being arrested after being hospitalized after being poisoned after underage drinking!

This mild scolding was the closest Zelda could come to losing composure.

ZELDA: This is your life, Link! You can't be bothered to take anything seriously!

Few things pissed Link off more than being told about his mistakes. He stood up faster than a Peahat could fly when told about a new Marvel movie getting released while wearing a Bunny Hood (as a general rule of thumb, Peahats love eating that slop).

LINK: Well excuse me, Princess! I'm sorry I actually have a life, unlike some people in this room!

The Postman, who was there for some reason, assumed Link was referring to him, and squirmed uncomfortably.

ZELDA: I would absolutely love to go gallivanting off into the sunset, kill any monster that looks at me funny, pick up all the chicks in Hyrule, and become richer than the long-dead Ebeneezer Scrooge. I really would. But I have better things to do. I have to do things that will benefit the world, instead of just myself. I have duties to attend to, not because I'm expected to, but because I choose to!

Zelda had a wide variety of emotions in response to seeing Link again, few of which were positive.

LINK: Again I say, excuse me, Princess! So what if I didn't choose to fulfill my obligations? You expect me to stand around all day, guarding Hyrule from some threat that wasn't supposed to come back for another century, and I'm not entirely convinced has! EXCUSE ME for wanting to CHOP OFF SOME BALLS!

ZELDA: You aren't excused, Link!

Link scoffed at this brilliant rebuttal.

ZELDA: Whether you believe it or not, Ganon has returned. Time is not on our side. He's already gathered an army, conquered Death Mountain, and is now directing his assault towards the Kokiri Forest.

Link was taken aback. Thoughts raced through his head- all of which should be shown, not told.

ZELDA: What are you going to do about it?

LINK: I...

Link paused for a moment, thinking. He then grimaced, stepped out of the dumpster and walked away, furious.

LINK: I'm going to go play Skyward Sword, because I hate myself. It's the one thing I hate more than you.

Everyone was speechless. Zelda, despite her clairvoyance, didn't know if the "It" in that sentence meant Skyward Sword or Link himself.

End of Chapter Three.
​

 

[AwdryFan1997]

Totally didn't just have this on my computer since the end of July and never post it because I thought it was too short but then I got really busy and never found time to make it longer (but did have time to begin writing a Wario biography apparently).

Chapter Four: To Sleep No More ​

The leaves of the trees had fallen. The sun was now obscured only by volcanic ash. Link stood before the stump that was once the Great Deku Tree. Atop the stump stood Link's two oldest enemies.

MIDO: Everyone hates you, Link! You have no friends!

GANON: That is true!

MIDO: But I, on the other hand, have friends in high places! Mr. Dragmire and I are best friends!

GANON: That is also true!

MIDO: Mr. Dragmire has promised to restore the Lost Woods and its defenses, bring life back to the forest, stop killing Koroks, un-poison the water supply, and recognize me as undisputed leader of the Kokiri!

At the sound of the word "poison", Link vomited onto the ground. He then realized he was now extremely short and could not see his legs.

MIDO: He's wearing pants! Look at him! How dare he wear pants on this sacred ground!? He's a disgrace to our kind! My first act as King of Hyrule is to ban Link!

Everyone who wasn't there began booing Link.

GANON: Link sucks! That is a law now! You must die! I am the President!

BARACK OBAMA: I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message.

Link was then hit by a car and woke up. He couldn't tell if he was a man dreaming he was a butterfly or if he was just completely insane.

His Skyward Sword disc had melted after constantly spinning in the Wii overnight. "Good riddance," Link thought, realizing that the part of the dream where he vomited was actually real, and that he was still wearing the hospital gown and still smelled like a dumpster.

Slowly removing himself from the bean bag chair on which he'd slept, Link saw a rock on the ground, surrounded by broken glass under a window with a hole in it. He did not immediately piece together what had happened, so he was taken by surprise when a second rock hit him in the head.

Link shouted out the window at the rock-launcher.

LINK: Hey! What do you think you're doing?

The rock-launcher was an Octorock with eyebrows.

OCTORICK: My name is Octorick! I am from the assassin's guild of Kakariko Village!

LINK: Are you trying to assassinate me with a rock?

OCTORICK: What about Iraq?

LINK: I said- oh, never mind, I'm just gonna get my sword and kill you...

Link realized that he didn't have a sword. He didn't have much of anything, besides the mirror from the hospital and the "shirt" on his back.

LINK: This is especially concerning because that was the Master Sword. Screw it, I'm taking a shower.

Octorick waited patiently as Link sidled through the halls of Hyrule Castle, trying to avoid anyone who might want to talk to him. One shower and change into suitable garments later (including, notably, trousers), Link jumped out the window with a loaned sword drawn.

LINK: Ow!

OCTORICK: That's why you shouldn't jump out of windows.

LINK: Look, man, if you tell me why you're here, then maybe I won't kill you.

OCTORICK: I have come bearing important information. My guild has been hired as mercenaries by the King of Evil. His plan is to send assassins to try and kill you, Princess Zelda, and the Lady Impa. Also the King I guess, but who cares about him?

LINK: There's no way that'll succeed!

OCTORICK: He's doing it to keep troops busy here so that there will be even less resistance on the battlefield.

LINK: Oh yeah that'll definitely succeed. Well, simple solution, I just stay here to bump off assassins and the army can go and kick Ganon a new one.

OCTORICK: That wouldn't be prudent, Link.

LINK: And why not?

OCTORICK: If you can't beat this assassin, how could you defeat the rest of my guild?

Link reacted with belated shock as he realized the pain he felt from his fall was actually from a needle in his leg. Octorick didn't even need to knock Link out with a rock to the head. He passed out before he could even reach for his sword.

End of Chapter Four.
Next Chapter: Lady Impa & the Medical Degree
​

I'm gonna start writing Chapter Five but don't expect it anytime soon. With that in mind I do have a really solid plan for where I want the plot to go. I'm really proud of this so far. ​

 

[AwdryFan1997]

Chapter Five: Lady Impa and the Medical Degree​

ZELDA: You never told me you were a licensed medical professional, Impa.

IMPA: I went to college on the G.I. Bill after Zanzibar.

Impa studied the readings from the blood test.

IMPA: Yep, that's poison.

ZELDA: Unbelievable. He just can't stop being a liability, can he? I should've known he'd be trouble in the long run. He was just the guy we needed to stop Ganon the first time around. Now he's getting drunk and poisoned, to say nothing of the incident before he disappeared for all that time...

IMPA: Yes, I would prefer if we said nothing. Thinking about it is unpleasant enough. Have a look at this, please.

Impa held out two papers printed out of a very antiquated computer. Whereas most of the known world had moved on to more advanced technology, Hyrule still used gunpowder, typewriters, and MySpace.

Notably, they had yet to phase out the Iron Lung, which made Impa's medical degree next to worthless internationally. Regardless, Hyruleans
could still read data like anyone else, which is why Impa was showing Zelda the two papers that looked almost identical.

ZELDA: They look almost identical.

Take a shot every time I make that joke.

IMPA: That's because they are. It's the same poison that he was afflicted with at that bar near that village by the border.

ZELDA: Which means that there's a greater conspiracy, and that he's immune to the poison.

IMPA: He should be waking up soon. You have a watch.

ZELDA: Yes.

IMPA: May I borrow it?

ZELDA: Oh, sure.

Zelda hands Impa her Rolex watch.

ZELDA: Your dice rolls for metagaming never cease to amaze me, Impa.

IMPA: They shouldn't. I did teach you everything I know, after all. Anyways, Link will wake up in three, two...

Link suddenly rose with a massive gasp. He had a few moments of privacy to make sense of his surroundings, as Zelda and Impa were not in the same room as him. When they did enter, Link had gained enough composure to put on his arrogant facade.

LINK: What happened?

ZELDA: Nothing, Link.

LINK: Nothing?

ZELDA: Nothing at all.

IMPA: She is being facetious. Tens of thousands of people have been murdered.

Link didn't really know what to do with that information.

ZELDA: Link, how did you get poisoned?

LINK: I fell on a needle.

ZELDA: Why did you fall on a needle?

LINK: Because an assassin working for Ganon wanted me to.

ZELDA: Did this assassin bear any relevant knowledge while he was ensnaring you in this one billion IQ trap?

LINK: Yeah. He said something about having assassins go after you two, so that all the military attention will be back here instead of out there.

ZELDA: So we'd send you out on your own to fight Ganon solo. We are stupid enough to do that.

LINK: Yeah. I assume it's a trap, but he was very convincing.

ZELDA: What choice do we have? We've barely started mobilizing the armed forces. That's what we get when our most advanced form of communication is one guy in a tank top.

LINK: Don't the Rito have a postal service?

IMPA: They've been advised to take shelter indoors since the air raids started.

LINK: Wh- air raids!?

ZELDA: Oh, right, Link, let me catch you up on the current status of the war. As stated in the letter I sent you, Ganondorf was resurrected in the Eldin region, equipped with a powerful staff that he calls the Rod of Mandragora. He then summoned an army from the Dark World and seized Death Mountain. Goron City was conquered, and its surviving inhabitants have fled, save for a small resistance led by an old gravel scout named Elbert. Ganon has begun launching molten rocks from Death Mountain's crater and raining them down on innocent civilians. Notably, this has started a severe wildfire in the Lost Woods.

Link perked up even more.

LINK: But if the Lost Woods burn, then Kokiri Forest will be completely defenseless! I've got to do something!

IMPA: You've got to rest. While you were immune to the poison, it was still a higher dose than the amount you had before. Speaking of the poison...

Impa once again pulled out Zelda's watch, as Captain Krin entered the room.

KRIN: You requested my presence, Lady Impa?

Krin noticed Zelda, and customarily bowed.

KRIN: Your highness...

Krin then noticed Link, and glared.

KRIN: Link...

LINK: Hold on, since when did Impa have a Rolex?

Impa handed Krin a dossier.

IMPA: General Captain Krin, there is a warrant for the search of this bar, and the arrest of its tender. I task you with carrying out this duty.

KRIN: Of course, madam.

ZELDA: We are indebted to your consistent reliability as always, General Krin.

KRIN: Oh, please, your highness, call me Captain.

Link looked away and exhaled loudly. Impa turned back to Link.

IMPA: Even if you were to face the evil forces of Ganon now, Link, it would still be frivolous. You are severely underequipped.

LINK: Oh, right. I left the Master Sword and my watch and stuff at the hospital.

ZELDA: You left what at the hospital?

LINK: Uh, my Timex watch, and like, my wallet and bombs and boomer-

ZELDA: Did you say you left the Master Sword at the hospital?

LINK: I... yes.

Zelda turned away, trying to comprehend how Link could be so blitheringly incompetent.

IMPA: Why did you have the Master Sword, Link?

LINK: Well, I got bored of waiting for my eighteenth birthday, so I decided to pull out the Master Sword so I could just skip right to it.

KRIN: Lady Impa, shall my band of merry men also recover Link's belongings from the local hospital after arresting the barkeep?

IMPA: Yes, General. You are dismissed.

ZELDA: Thank you for taking the initiative, Sir Captain.

Krin grinned.

KRIN: I am honored, your highness...

ZELDA: Oh, please, call me Zelda.

Link really wished the poison had killed him.

KRIN: By your leave, I shall be going now.

Krin looked at Link like how Spiderman looked at MJ when he was dancing with Gwen Stacy in the best Spiderman movie, Spiderman 3. Krin had never seen Spiderman 3. He then swiftly departed to carry out his orders. A few minutes later, he and his squad trotted on horseback out of Castle Town.

KRIN: We shall take the long road, and on down the causeway. The quicker paths are neither wide nor safe enough to be efficient. Onward!

The four horsemen rode off with a synchronized "Hyah!" completely unaware that they were being monitored by one Sir Charles and his cloaked goon.

CHARLES: Ride ahead and warn the bartender of the raiding party. It is the least I can do in return for his service.

The hooded hoodlum nodded and turned away. Sir Charles watched as the caped crusader galloped away across Hyrule Field.

End of Chapter Five.
Next Chapter: Inferno
​

 

[AwdryFan1997]

What if I told you the official acronym for Link Goes to a Bar (and then some other stuff happens) is LGTB+ because Link Goes To A Bar and the + is the other stuff that happens

Chapter Six: Inferno​

It had been several hours since General Sir Captain Krin (or would it be Sir General Captain Krin?) had left to arrest the Bartender, and now it was dark. Link, predicting that he would have more nightmares about the Kokiri being in danger, had chosen not to sleep.

Across the long and sometimes inconsistent history of Hyrule, the heroes known as Link have had been very quiet, particularly about their personality, which in turn leaves them with very little that historians can concretely say that they had in common. Scientists and theologians alike disagreed both in and out of their circles about whether the recurring hero was the same person reincarnated or just similar people obligated to fulfill the same plot function.

Whatever curse or genes or cursed genes that established that rule evidently skipped a generation, because this Link was very talkative and open about his personality (as you have already seen and do not need to be told), and so left very little to the imagination about his personality. But all the same, a consistent trait remained: Link liked to sleep.

So it was very odd that Link was not sleeping.

LINK: Everybody's always saying that I like to sleep. "Oh, Link's sleeping again!" "Oh, that Link is always sleeping, isn't he?" I hate them. They can't think for two seconds about why I sleep during the day. I sleep during the day because I can't sleep at night.

Link got up from bed for the fifth time to pace around the decently-sized room.

LINK: But I know Zelda knows. Either through clairvoyance or just plain intuition, she knows. She reads me like all those books she reads like the lame-ass nerd she is. The Triforce of Wisdom does not bestow her powers upon her. They are a reflection of her preexisting personality. That's what she tells me all the time. At least, what she told me all the time when I chose to hang around here.

Link stopped and leaned against the window at an awkward angle where he could still look out the window and gaze forlornly at the moon.

LINK: That, or she just listens to me talk to myself through the walls.

Zelda was not listening to Link through the walls, nor was she even thinking about him. She and Impa were discussing important matters.

IMPA: The results of the Gerudo elections are in.

ZELDA: And?

IMPA: It was a close race. Ma Curadu is the projected winner, narrowly gaining a plurality over Gru Burojan, with Djo Nonaala in a distant third place. There will be a recount, but the results are not expected to be much different.

ZELDA: Ma Curadu as Chief Executive of the Gerudo. That was not on my bingo card for this year.

IMPA: Was the crisis we're in now on your bingo card?

ZELDA: It was my free space. Now I just need first contact with intelligent extraterrestrial life and I'll have five in a row!

IMPA: Well, at least with Curadu in office, the Gerudo will likely continue supporting the war effort.
ZELDA: Hopefully. A shame we couldn't negotiate a renewal of the Choras Treaty before this mess started up. We'd be kicking ass and taking names with even just Labrynna and Holodrum backing us.

IMPA: Alas, the Koridian Crab Conflict put a nail in that coffin.

ZELDA: I hate crabs.

Meanwhile, Link, who had become bored of pacing around and complaining to himself, had tied his bedsheets together and was descending down the side of Hyrule Castle's wall like Batman. But Batman was a television show, and Link is a video game character, providing just enough realism for this plan to not work. Link fell several hundred feet and took one heart of damage.

LINK: Well, at least I haven't been poisoned yet.

Link began running off to the Lost Woods. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

ZELDA: So, who has been tasked with handling the supposed assassins coming after us?

IMPA: I believe Sir Charles was appointed Head of the Counterintelligence Committee.

ZELDA: Isn't that reassuring. Where is Sir Charles, anyway?

IMPA: Well, he certainly isn't here. I heard he had a "personal matter" to attend to, whatever that means.

Just then, General Sir General Captain Krin finally returned.

KRIN: Your Highness! Lady Impa! I have returned with the Master Sword, and Link's other crap!

IMPA: Excellent! Someone should wake Link.

ZELDA: That won't be necessary. He's already awake, and has likely been listening to us through the walls.

KRIN: But that's not all! The Bartender fled before he could be arrested, but we found incriminating evidence among his possessions!

ZELDA: So there is a conspiracy after all...

Impa had been looking at her watch.

IMPA: If Link were listening to us, then he would've been here by now.

ZELDA: Then he has departed for the Lost Woods, no doubt.

Krin's eyes lit up, and he raced to Link's room. He shouted back when he saw it empty.

KRIN: Yeah, he's gone, all right!!

It was nearly morning by the time Link made it to the burning Lost Woods. He charged into the smoldering trees, hoping that he knew the route by muscle memory. However, the fog that normally shrouded the forest was gone. Along the way, he saw a family of Deku Scrubs crying for help. Presumably mishearing them, Link slaughtered the whole family and continued on as though nothing had happened. At last, he made it to the Kokiri Village, protected from the titular inferno by a small river. Outside of the village were a couple of Koroks with a sign reading "HOMLESS [sic]". Link paid no attention to them as he walked into familiar territory.

MIDO: Link! You're trespassing on my property, you Ass Hole! What are you even doing here, anyway!?

LINK: I'm here to protect this place, Mido. Or whatever's left of it. Seems to have gotten significantly worse around here since you took over.

MIDO: Harumph! As the rightful Ultra-Supreme Leader of the Kokiri, I demand that you turn back at once!

"Harumph" is an old Kokiri phrase roughly equivalent to the English word "Maclunkey". Link walked right past Mido without hesitation, which shows just how much he's grown. Mido followed along like the annoying little piss baby he is.

LINK: You don't threaten me, Mido. This is my land just as much as it is yours. That's what the Great Deku Tree said, is it not?

MIDO: The Great Deku Tree is dead! You killed him, remember?

LINK: For the last time, Mido, I did not kill the Great Deku Tree.

Link had said "for the last time" over thirty times when Mido put him on trial for murder seven years ago.

MIDO: You're still lying! Two Gohmas to the back of the head couldn't have been a suicide! That's basic logic, numbnuts!

LINK: Where's Saria? Is she okay? Can I just talk to her, or any other sane and reasonable elementary schooler?

MIDO: Her visitor hours are from six to nine, and her execution is scheduled for high noon. It's her fourth hanging this week!

LINK: Stop being a dick, Mido.

MIDO: Shut up! I'm willing to make a deal. If you didn't kill the Great Deku Tree, then tell me who did, and then you can talk to Saria. Until then, you can talk to Fado.

LINK: It'll be a really cold day in hell before I talk to Fado again. Look, it was probably Ganon, okay? He's the cause of just about every problem in Hyrule, and speaking of Ganon, that's who I'm here to protect you ungrateful little bastards from.

MIDO: We don't need protection! I make lots of deals, Link. And I've made a deal that's gonna keep Ganon out of here forever!

Link entered the sanctum where the stump of the Great Deku Tree remained. Mido toddled behind, and snapped his fingers to summon a wall of Deku Babas behind them. There, standing on top of the stump quite symbolically, brandishing the Rod of Mandragora, was Ganondorf Dragmire.

GANON: Hey! Haven't seen me in a while!

End of Chapter Si-
​

LINK: What!? No! We are not ending the Chapter here! Absolutely not! Mido! What is the meaning of this!?

Mido scampered up to the stump and dramatically backflipped up onto it.

MIDO: Everyone hates you, Link! You have no friends!

GANON: That is true!

MIDO: But I, on the other hand, have friends in high places! Mr. Dragmire and I are best friends!

GANON: That is also true!

LINK: Oh, you can't be serious right now!

Link was not about to stand idly by while his dreams literally came true. He reached for his permanently borrowed sword. Ganon gripped the Rod of Mandragora as he raised his other hand to shoot one of his trademark Magic Balls. Link dodged in the nick of time. The ball struck the Deku Babas, killing some and leaving others stunned. Link, however, did not see this, and finished drawing his blade just as Ganon shot another ball. Link and Ganon did the tennis thing for a minute or two before Ganon was hit and knocked down from the stump. Link slashed furiously at Ganon before being punched in the face by Ganon's fist. Ganon looked down at his wounds and grimaced. He then tightened his grip on the Rod of Mandragora, and in a flash of light he was restored as though he had never been in a fight at all. Link, agape in confusion, could only watch as Ganon hovered back up onto the stump. Mido continued talking, as if on cue. It was like they'd rehearsed this.

MIDO: Mr. Dragmire has promised to restore the Lost Woods and its defenses, bring life back to the forest, stop killing Koroks, un-poison the water supply, and recognize me as undisputed leader of the Kokiri!

Several Kokiri and Koroks had slipped into the sanctum after hearing the fight, through the entrance Ganon's ball had made. Link turned to see them, and then turned back to Mido.

LINK: This is ridiculous! You're allying with the literal King of Evil! Do you have any idea how stupid that is!?

Mido tried to turn the attention against Link.

MIDO: He's wearing pants! Look at him! How dare he wear pants on this sacred ground!? He's a disgrace to our kind! My first act as King of Hyrule is to ban Link!

The audience remained silent. Ganon, of course, had not promised Mido dominion over Hyrule, but was willing to play along just to screw with Link.

GANON: Link sucks! That is a law now! You must die! I am the President!

BARACK OBAMA: I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message.

Link remembered what happened next in the dream, and dodged quickly as the car sped past.

LINK: I don't care what powers you have now, Ganon! I'm still Link, and it's still my job to destroy you! I'M GONNA CHOP OFF YOUR BALLS!!

GANON: Listen, kid, as much fun as it is to fight you, I've had enough of that for one century. And it would be quite boring, because I am literally unbeatable now. It's not the same without the stakes, and the acceptance of my inevitable defeat. So I'm just going to spring the trap I've laid here. It's the only reason I let you make it this far, after all.

LINK: Damn it! I really should've seen this coming!

GANON: You may be wondering where the Lost Woods' mist went. Well, I've got it all here, in my inventory, and I'm going to encapsulate you in all of it at once!

LINK: But where will the mist teleport me? It's supposed to send me to where I last was before entered the Lost Woods, but it's not really a "Lost" Woods without the mist, so...

GANON: Precisely. This fog is going to teleport you to the place all people go when they don't have a destination to warp to: the eternal purgatory known as Chris Houlihan's Room!

LINK: NO!!!

Link turned and started running as quickly as he could towards the entrance. He even rolled a few times for good measure, but it was no use. Ganon summoned the cloud of vapor and directed it at Link. Link had no hope of escape. Soon all he could see was a wall of light grey, and all the witnesses could do was stare as the hero began to be whisked away. But just as Link disappeared behind the veil, he was hit by a car.

End of Chapter Six.
Next Chapter: Link Gets Hit By A Car (and then some other stuff happens)
​

 

[MightyMario]

Spoiler: It was Mamu who hit Link with his car

 

[AwdryFan1997]

Chapter Seven: Link Gets Hit By A Car (and then some other stuff happens)​

It was impossibly cold. The only thing keeping Link from death at Zero Kelvin was the motion of the automobile that had struck him, which was scalding in comparison. Link clung for dear life. There was no sound, and certainly no sight. All was black. Yes, all was black, except for the occasional strange things off in the distance that Link could only assume were hallucinations. He saw what appeared to be rooms. Perhaps one of them were the Chris Houlihan Room. But if Chris Houlihan's locker was his destination, then whoever was driving the car was certainly going the wrong direction.

Suddenly, the surface of the car that Link clung to gave way, and Link was dragged into the vehicle. He was still practically blind, of course, but from what he could gather from thrashing about for a few minutes, the car had neither a driver nor a steering wheel. What it did have were headlights, which were set to high beams. This was seemingly pointless, because even with the light, there was still nothing to be seen. Literally nothing. Link paid no attention to this frivolity. The heat was on inside the car, and the pain in Link's lungs informed him that there was plenty of oxygen as well (as opposed to outside, where there was none). Link noticed yet another assumed hallucination, further away than the others, through what was most likely the car's window. Three rooms with neither walls nor ceilings, connected in a backwards "L" shape. The room that served as the letter's vertex appeared to have a lamppost. How peculiar. Anyways, a freaky rat man hit the windshield.

For the first time on his nightmarish journey, Link could hear himself scream. The rat man pounded ferociously at the windows. In response, the car turned on its windshield wipers, brutally slapping the rat man across the face repeatedly until he finally fell off. Link turned to see the rat man tumble into the endless void at breakneck speed. Link sighed a breath of relief. Then he noticed it was getting harder to breathe. The air pressure was going all wonky. Without any time to react, Link slipped out of consciousness as everything went numb and fuzzy.

GANON: He has escaped.

MIDO: What!?

GANON: He has escaped.

Ganondorf loosened his grip on the Rod of Mandragora, and then blinked a few times as if he was getting something out of his eyes. Looking around at the slum that most people called Kokiri Village, Ganon spotted a Korok waddling around, and a toxic sludge pit not too far away. Without any hesitation, Ganon stormed up to the Korok and punted it into the pit.

MIDO: Hey! HEY! You said you'd stop doing that!

GANON: The deal has been altered. Pray that I do not alter it any further.

MIDO: What do you mean, "he's escaped"!?

GANON: Link isn't in the Chris Houlihan Room. I have lost track of his whereabouts.

Ganon whacked the Rod against a nearly fossilized tree.

GANON: Stupid toy! My lack of omnipotence should not be a weakness!

MIDO: What are you talking about?

GANON: I'll explain later. There is a rebellion on Death Mountain. We must quell it.

MIDO: We? We!? I've got bigger things to deal with! You just used up the last of the Lost Woods' magic mist! Your air raids have started forest fires! There're pits of toxic sludge for some reason! I can barely breathe! And-

GANON: Are you complaining, boy? Remember that I am the only protection the Kokiri have. Remember that with a wave of my hand, I can remove the barrier that prevents you freaks from aging. Need I demonstrate?

MIDO: Harumph!

GANON: Was that a threat? That was a threat! You dare threaten me!?

Mido pissed himself and started crying. Ganondorf cackled gleefully.

GANON: Your threats are meaningless! I'm in control of everything now. In fact, I'll make you walk all the way to Death Mountain, and you will do it, because you know what I'll do to you and your ilk if you don't. Race you there!

Ganon flew away, still laughing. Meanwhile, we cut back to Link, who regains consciousness to the sound of mosquitos.

LINK: Oh, my head... where am I?

Link got up to see a Stalfos dressed in the clothes of a lumberjack.

STALFORESTER: I am Stalforester, the one who saved you.

LINK: But the car didn't have a driver... unless...

With a horrifying cracking noise, Stalforester's bones reassembled into a Subaru Forrester.

STALFORESTER: I am now Stalforrester.

LINK: Poggers! Well, uh, where are we?

Stalforester returned to his original form.

STALFORESTER: This is Misery Mire, the Dark World's equivalent to the Gerudo Desert.

LINK: Should I even ask how we got here?

STALFORESTER: I drove you across the Gap Between Dimensions, and spawned us in here. It's a miracle we made it out alive. Did you see the rat man?

LINK: Yeah, that was certainly something.

Link noticed his hands didn't look human.

LINK: Uh-oh.

STALFORESTER: Oh, yeah, that's the thing, you might want to take a look at yourself.

LINK: Here, I've got a mirror on me. I stole it from a hospital a few chapters ago.

Link gazed into the mirror, seeing the face of a rabbit gazing back.

LINK: Golly!

Link's face then morphed back into his own, much to his confusion.

LINK: Now, hold on-

Link turned to talk to Stalforester, only to get hit by a huge cloud of sand. Link was in the middle of a sandstorm. He could barely hear a woman's voice shouting something over the wind, not that he could tell what it was. His senses attacked from all directions by the coarse, rough natural occurrence, Link did his best to trudge in the direction of the voice before tripping over a mound of sand and rolling down a hill.

Meanwhile, a platoon of Goron freedom fighters were camping behind enemy lines. The sun was rising, and so it was time to move.

ELBERT: Get a move on, you scoundrels! If Ganondorf Dragmire were flying over us right now, we'd be sitting ducks! And then we'd be dead ducks! Dead, fried ducks served at Mandrag Ganon's victory banquet!

THUROH: Sue me for being meticulous, Elbert, but are you sure you know where we're headed?

ELBERT: Of course I know! I know these gravel mining routes like the back of my hand!

THUROH: Just making sure. You are getting on in years, after all. Gotta double check to make sure your brains haven't turned to soup!

ELBERT: I don't need brains! I got instinct!

THUROH: You're a tiny old man, Elbert. You leave the fighting to us.

ELBERT: Don't start that crap with me! I'm still the most agile out of all you peanut M&Ms!

Elbert's son, Jemiah, suddenly shouted.

JEMIAH: TEKTITES!!

In an instant, the entire platoon panicked. A wave of Tektites leapt down from above, pouncing on their unprepared victims. Elbert punched a Tektite out of the air, which splattered against the wall of the mountain. A loud scream came from Thuroh, as a Tektite bit down on the back of his head. Its poison rapidly reduced his brain to a consumable soup.

ELBERT: They've mutated! They can pierce our hides!

The unusually large pack of Tektites continued to leap about, massacring the Goron troops.

ELBERT: Retreat! Retreat, damn it!

Jermiah punched a Tektite, which landed on its back in front of Elbert. Elbert crushed the bug's head with his foot. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain, a sort of phantom pain. The Tektite had bitten him, turning his leg into jelly. Elbert fell over, grimacing in agony.

JEMIAH: Pappy! No!

ELBERT: Get out of here, Jemiah!

JEMIAH: But Pappy-

ELBERT: I said get! Go on, get, before I disown you!

Jemiah hesitated briefly, before rolling away with tears in his eyes.

ELBERT: Godspeed, Gigachad.

Elbert suddenly felt cold metal against his neck. He turned his head upwards to see the King of Evil standing above him.

ELBERT: Damn you, Ganondorf! You dastardly rapscallion!

GANON: Your son won't live much longer. He'll rendezvous with the Hylian forces in the Eldin province, and then die with them when I extract the uranium from Death Mountain to build ICBMs.

ELBERT: Impossible! I know Death Mountain inside and out! There is no urnanimum!

GANON: Did you just call it urnanimum?

ELBERT: Kill me now.

Ganondorf put his foot on his massive sword, the Doriya, and dug it down into Elbert's throat like a shovel.

MIDO: If there's no urnanimum in Death Mountain, then how are you going to make those nukes?

GANON: It's below the mountain. I shall be "employing" the local populace to mine under the volcano.

MIDO: How do you know that?

GANON: The Rod reveals all.

Suddenly, a disloyal Tektite jumped at Ganondorf from behind. Before Mido could react to warn his master, Ganon, now holding the Rod in his left hand, raised his right to grab the Tektite and squeeze its organs into juice without even looking.

MIDO: Oh wow.

Ganon's arm then swung limp. The Tektite had bitten him. Ganon sighed and gripped the Rod again. In a flash, the arm was healed as though nothing ever happened. Mido was amazed.

MIDO: It can see into the future, and it can heal you!?

GANON: Not quite. It can rewind my entire body back to before the damage was dealt.

MIDO: So if it's undoing what you've been through, how do you keep your memories?

GANON: I look into the relative future to get caught up. The Rod of Mandragora... true invincibility, at last!

MIDO: Damn, that's crazy. So, like, now what?

Ganon squinted his eyes slightly, gazing into the future.

GANON: I have some personal matters to attend to.

End of Chapter Seven.
Next Chapter: Shooting the Messenger
​

 

[MightyMario]

Gap Between Dimensions

boo’s pizza ii reference????

 

[AwdryFan1997]

boo’s pizza ii reference????

I was considering a Wart cameo ngl