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Gerudo's Plead

43ForceGems

Quid est veritas, Claudia
Joined
Feb 9, 2010
Location
Magicant
A while back I made a sign up thread for characters in a story I was going to make. Well, not very many people signed up, so I'm just going to put the story up with no members, just a story. I haven't exactly typed it yet, but I'll put it up when it's finished. Tootles.


 

43ForceGems

Quid est veritas, Claudia
Joined
Feb 9, 2010
Location
Magicant
All right, here we go: :clap:

Events following take place 100 years before Ganondorf’s birth.​
Chapter 1: Sneaking Out
He walked through the painful blur. He couldn’t see what was in front, next to, or behind him. All he could see was, well nothing. He couldn’t see anything. Right, left, right, left. He kept taking small steps. He couldn’t tell which way he was going, or which way he had just come from.​
He was Lisica. The King of the Gerudo. Every 100 years a male was born, he was that male. He was wandering in the desert. Why?​
1 week before​
Lisica was 14 years old. He was strong and tall for his age, and quite humble. He never really felt in place. Ever since he had a mind to think of it, he always felt like there was something more to him. He called for his mother.​
“Mom!” He called. “I must speak with you.”​
His mother set down the spear she was sharpening and walked over to him. He was sitting at the family table, right next to the fireplace.​
“What is it, my son?”​
“Can I ask you something? Well wait. That’s why I called you over. Well, here it goes. … mchhmmhh… I don’t think I’m a real Gerudo.”​
“Well, Lisica, you are. You’re my blood son, and—.”​
“NO NO! Not like that. I don’t think I’m complete to be the king yet.”​
“Well, duh. The crowning ceremony was supposed to be when you became a man. A whole year ago!”​
“Yeah yeah. I know. But I just don’t think I’m ready.”​
“Great Moldorms, what do you want to do now?! First it was that unbelievable concoction. What did you call that? Blue potion? Oh the horror! Then there was that fairies spring near the crates by Binson’s house. Now what?!!!”​
Lisica gave much though, and finally decided. “You know the old man spoken of in all the legends? Well… Maybe I could go to him.”​
“The old man? Why my ancient Octorok’s beard, why would you do that?”​
“I dunno. It was just an idea.”​
“No you’re not leaving. Ever.” With that, his mother stomped away from the table and walked around the corner.​
Lisica sat there for a few more hours, actually, thinking of a plan, how he could sneak away.​
He got all his stuff ready. He had a whole plan on paper. And he was ready to execute it. He climbed to the very top of the fortress. He pulled the leaf out of his pocket, made sure his pack was secure on his back, and sprinted his life out towards the edge of the cliff. He took a flying leap and lifted the leaf up. It worked! He started gliding over the fortress, soon he was even over the guards. He sailed towards the gate. He thought he could make it over, but his feet clipped the top of the gate and he fell all the way to the desert sand floor. The guards heard it and started running after him. He quickly got up, but tripped right back down. The Gerudo guards caught him.​
“Sorry, Lisica.” Said one of the guards named Nabosa. “But you can’t run away. Your mother gave us strict watch over you.”​
And then, they threw him in the prison.​
“HEY! IS THAT ANY WAY TO TREAT YOUR KING!!!” He shouted from the bottom of the jail.​
“We have orders.”
“But I’m supposed to be the one who gives you the orders!”​
“But you were never crowned. So you’re not the king yet!”
“I HAVE ALL THE RIGHT I WANT!!!” He shouted, slamming his foot on the ground.​
There was no response. Luckily, or not, he came prepared. He grabbed his hook out of his pack and swung it up at the post. He pulled himself to the top. He was out of jail. He jumped to the sand and hid behind a crate before anyone came to investigate the noise. He crawled to the gate. He needed to distract the guard. He pulled a bomb out of his pack, lit it, and chucked it towards the center of the guards. BOOM!!! It blew up and the guards went flying in all directions. The gate guard ran over to help them. Lisica saw his chance, and broke into a sprint towards the desert. He was now in the Haunted Wasteland. All was in a blur.


Tell me what you think, and I'll think about doing Chapter 2 soon.
 

*M i d n a*

Æsir Scribe
Joined
Aug 18, 2009
Location
*Midgard*
Gender
Entity
Well it is not bad but it needs a little more description. I hardly saw any typos but the way you have centered also gave me a hard time reading it. Why don't you just post it normally? You could write chapter 2, it's not a bad story in any way, but describe some stuff around the character, it sorta looks empty.
 

43ForceGems

Quid est veritas, Claudia
Joined
Feb 9, 2010
Location
Magicant
Thanks for the advice :D You're kind of the professional here, but he's supposed to look like Ganondorf, but younger. I'll describe him. And I'll type it differently. THANKS!
 

*M i d n a*

Æsir Scribe
Joined
Aug 18, 2009
Location
*Midgard*
Gender
Entity
The character is ok, I can always picture characters in my own way anyway. But you could use a little description with the things surrounding the character or characters. That is all I asked for, and perhaps if you did not center the text, that would be a better read. And I am not an expert at all, lol, just trying to help out. :P
 

43ForceGems

Quid est veritas, Claudia
Joined
Feb 9, 2010
Location
Magicant
OH DUH!!!!!!!!!!!! This is supposed to take place in OoT, so you're supposed to know what the Gerudo Fortress looks like cause I thought everyone had played OoT DOH!!! (Homer Simpson) But you haven't. http://www.youtube.com/user/TheZeldaDungeon#p/c/8C7A9D9AD3CC39F8/71/Lw2dr-n-IRM Use that. It's Caleb's video walkthrough, and it's when he's in Gerudo Fortress. Go to about 1:53 for a perfect overview. Sorry, I forgot there were people like you that hadn't played OoT.
 

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