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General Art Fullmetal Alchemist: The Philsopher's War (Fan-fic)

Lord Death

Bichon Frise
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Location
Chicago, IL
First off, this is a fan-fic. I do not own any of the material used, I just wrote the story last year. This takes place a few years after the end of the manga, or the end of Brotherhood. Roy Mustang is the Furher of Amestris, Ling is the Emperor of Xing, there is a crazy psychopath bent on revenge, and the Elric brothers have returned from their travels. Also, this takes place before Ed marries Winry! This was made purely for those who have read the manga or watched the anime. If you haven't, this won't make sense to you. Leave your response please! :D




CHAPTER 1 TOWARDS BOTTOM OF PAGE 1


 
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ChargewithSword

Zelda Dungeon's Critic
Joined
Jan 13, 2009
Location
I don't want to say.
I'm very sorry, but although the dialogue is good and the story interesting, I can't enjoy the script writing. It is an amateurish venture that limits the power of the story.
 

Ganondork

goo
Joined
Nov 12, 2010
I'm going to be honest. I've only seen 5 episodes of FMA, and they were ok. Your story and all that is quite well written. But you write it more like a play than a story. I'm not sure how you want it to be, a play or a story, but it's easier to lose interest in stories if you don't paint people a mental picture. For instance, you could be imagining Ed is wearing a pirate hat on and you want to emphasize just how funny it really is, but in this format, you can't capture that humor you wish to convey. The same with action sequences, which I've come to understand is a big thing in FMA. If you do it more like how books are written, it will be a fabulous story, but if you continue with how it's written now, it won't capture people's interest like it has the potential to do.
 

Lord Death

Bichon Frise
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Location
Chicago, IL
I understand what your saying, but the story changes scenes very often... Ill try to revise it, but I'm not sure how it will work...
 

Ganondork

goo
Joined
Nov 12, 2010
I understand what your saying, but the story changes scenes very often... Ill try to revise it, but I'm not sure how it will work...​

What writers do when they change scenes, they press enter once or twice to indicate that. The same goes for when somebody else begins to speak.
 

ChargewithSword

Zelda Dungeon's Critic
Joined
Jan 13, 2009
Location
I don't want to say.
I know how to write perfessionally... Its just that I couldn't imagine it in that format.

I could help you if you want. I may not say much in terms of my review, but I have knowledge of how to write.

When you want to change scenes, most of us authors use these between paragraphs: **
 

Lord Death

Bichon Frise
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Location
Chicago, IL
Chapter 1 (which includes the previously posted prologue) in story form...


FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST​
The Philosopher’s War​

CHAPTER 1​

Times in Amestris were changing. The Homunculus “Father” had been defeated, along with his seven children: Lust, Gluttony, Envy, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, and Pride. The nation was entering a time of peace and prosperity. This was mostly due to the heroic actions of two people: Edward and Alphonse Elric.

Still, things were not all perfect. The bordering country of Drachma to the north posed a huge threat. Long have they been waiting to weaken Amestris, and with the current Fuhrer, King Grumman, giving up his seat to the young Roy Mustang, the
nation wouldn’t be at its strongest. If they were going to attack, it would be very soon.

The door of the Fuhrer’s office opened. Riza Hawkeye, the Fuhrer’s assistant, walked into the room. She was young, with shoulder length blonde hair and brown eyes. Sitting behind a large desk in the back of the room was Fuhrer Roy Mustang. Riza looked at him, noticing his short black hair and piercingly dark eyes. She also made note of his mustache, which was tradition for the Fuhrer to wear. She really didn’t like his mustache.

“Fuhrer Mustang,” she began, “I have official reports from Fort Briggs and I—”

“C’mon Riza,” Mustang interrupted, “you know me better than that! Just call me Roy. I’ve only become the ruler of Amestris; nothing much has changed! Besides, we are dating, aren’t we?” Riza, who was blushing, answered,

“Oh, right… Roy, Brigadier General Armstrong over at Briggs reported that Drachma’s forces are stirring. They probably want to strike while the iron is hot.”

“I see… So they’re planning to take control of Briggs?”

“It looks that way, sir,” Riza replied.

“Alright, then we need to do two things. First, since Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong is our only registered state alchemist, we need to conduct a State Alchemy Exam. And second, I want you to see if you can locate the Elric brothers…”

**​

“Dion, have you prepared the troops?” a mysterious voice called out.

“Yes, Cyrus,” a man answered. He stepped into the dim light coming from the window, revealing what he looked like. He wore a crimson colored suit and a white tie. His brown hair was cut short and his pale blue eyes lusted for blood. “Your troops have gathered in the courtyard. We had better hurry, though. The Drachma weather is probably freezing them to death…”

“Yes,” the man said, still masked by the shadows. “I just need one thing: my Philosopher’s Stone!”

“Don’t worry,” Dion said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a violet colored stone. The man walked toward him, stepping into the light. He had a long, pale face that bore no expression. His eyes were green, yet even colder than his friend’s. He had solid black hair that he kept in a long pony-tail. He was wearing an equally black suit with a blue tie, one similar to Dion’s. He rolled up his right sleeve, revealing a type of gauntlet. On it was an alchemy circle, one hollowed out at the center. He took the stone from Dion’s hand and placed it in the hollow part. The whole gauntlet began to glow a bright violet color.

“It is time,” the man said. “It is time to avenge my brother! It is time to destroy Amestris! Soon, the whole world shall know the name Cyrus J. Kimblee!”

**​

“So Al, how were your travels in Xing?” Edward asked.

“They were amazing!” Alphonse answered. “I learned so much about both Alchemy AND Alkahestry! That is, of course, because May was my teacher…”

“Oh stop it, Alphonse!” said May blushing. “You know you would not stop studying!”

“So you haven’t changed, huh Al?” Ed said chuckling.

“Your one to talk!” chimed in Winry. “You still break your automail leg every other week!” The whole group sat in the Rush Valley Café laughing.

Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric were brothers, so they looked alike. By now both were pretty tall, and they both had their father’s golden hair and golden eyes. However, Ed wore his hair in a braided pony-tail, while Al kept his hair short.

One girl, Winry, was a childhood friend whom Ed and Al grew up with in Resembool. She had long, light blonde hair and big blue eyes. She was also Ed’s girlfriend. The other girl, May, came from the country of Xing. She had helped the Elrics fight the Homunculi, but was now Alphonse’s teacher and girlfriend. She had braided black hair and big black eyes.

The café telephone began to ring. The manager walked over and picked it up. Apparently, the call was for Ed and Al.

“Hello?” Edward answered.

“SALUTATIONS, EDWARD ELRIC!”

“… Major Armstrong,” Ed asked, “is that you?”

“That’s Lieutenant Colonel Armstrong to you now!”

“Is that so? How’d you get that position?”

Armstrong, laughing, answered, “Well, you can’t have a perfect physique like I do and NOT get promoted! By the way, is Alphonse there?”

“Yea, he’s here,” Ed answered. “So why’d you call, Majo—I mean Lt. Colonel Armstrong?”

“Oh, right. Long story short, a war with Drachma is most likely about to break out. We’re short on state alchemists and we need your help. There is also another matter that we need you for…”

“Well what is it?”

“I can’t tell you over the phone; the line might be tapped. Go to the Rush Valley train station at seven ‘o’clock tonight. I’ll send someone over there to give you the details.”

“Alright,” Ed answered, “I’ll tell Alphonse… Lt. Colonel, is everything going to be okay?”

“… Nobody can answer that…”

End of Chapter 1​
 
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ChargewithSword

Zelda Dungeon's Critic
Joined
Jan 13, 2009
Location
I don't want to say.
Very good, very good! You've done a lot better this time around. The details really help to bring the reader into the FMA world very well. Your usage of tenses could use a little work here and there, and some of your narrations too. Sometimes the narrator switches from being passive, to listing the character emotions at times when it is not appropriate. That shall interrupt the flow of the story.
However, you presented a fine piece of work here with this fiction, and I look forward to your future ventures.
 

Lord Death

Bichon Frise
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Location
Chicago, IL
Very good, very good! You've done a lot better this time around. The details really help to bring the reader into the FMA world very well. Your usage of tenses could use a little work here and there, and some of your narrations too. Sometimes the narrator switches from being passive, to listing the character emotions at times when it is not appropriate. That shall interrupt the flow of the story.
However, you presented a fine piece of work here with this fiction, and I look forward to your future ventures.

Thanks! That actually means a lot! It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to write it in this form... Thanks for the advice and I'll work on you suggestions
 

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