Ever since I was young I kept dreaming that I will be a smart and talented person in the future and I somewhat became what I dreamt I would be. Now all I need to be is become a World Champion in anything and my life will be complete! XD
You know, it's sad to say... if I knew I was going to turn out like I have when I was young (say, 11-12 and going through some real rough patches), I might have acted upon the suicidal feelings I had at the time. It's not that I'm not glad to be alive now - it's just that I know that Now!Me would have scared the ever loving poop out of Past!Me.
I had...dreams. I was the picked-on kid, the outsider, but I always consoled myself with the idea that, through my art and creativity, that I was going to become something great, that I was going to become a "success" as the world defines the term and be able to come to some high school reunion and laugh at all the losers who picked on me and marginalized me. But, I've realized, upon growing up and living life, that sometimes, it DOESN'T get better. If I approached Past!Me with stories about how I've discovered having a legitimate disorder, or how I had to spend a half-week in a mental health clinic to keep myself from dying, or how I'm surviving on Disabilty, or how, though I write, most of my stuff is just fan-fiction and I spend my time on the Internet on videogame boards instead of being a person who's created something that people make message boards to talk about... I think Past!Me would have given up.
Of course, I can also tell Past!Me that I've written some novels (not professionally published, but still), I could talk to Past!Me about trying and falling in love with sushi, I can talk about dipping my toes in both the Pacific and Atlantic oceans, seeing New York City by car, seeing a cross-section of the country in a U-Haul, being in love, surviving strange things, risking my life to save others that one weird time... anime conventions... I've experienced so many things and have seen so many things I wouldn't have been able to if I'd just given up. Sometimes, it doesn't "get better," but it's okay, because you find ways to survive how you can and as long as you're alive you can pursue beauty.
Still, I did not turn out like I'd hoped I would and I feel both resentful and disappointed about it. If I ever have kids, I think I'm going to teach them about how life is primarily about survival and finding the good where you can - and not foist all that "American Dream" and "you can do anything" garbage upon them.
In my opinion, I don't feel that anyone knows exactly how they're going to turn out when they're older. We can speculate, create theories, and use our imaginations to the fullest extent, but we never really know. This is especially harder when we're children, because we feel we have it all planned out when we really have no clue what the real world has in store for us. I've been using my imagination my entire life, and I'm not going to stop just yet. My little five year old self would have never predicted that I would end up living this life. In fact, I think she'd be a tad bit disappointed. Hell, I'm older now and I'm still a tad bit disappointed in myself. Never in a million years would I have thought my family would be facing financial problems; that I'd have to face so many pet casualties; that I'd weigh as much as I do; that I'd look the way I do -- I never could have predicted any of this. And it's kind of scary to think that this is now my reality. I live this life everyday, and I never even saw it coming.
Being an absolute failure and a burden to everyone else? Well, I expected the burden part but a failure I wished otherwise. Growing up in the household I was in, was pretty extreme, I wished it would've went differently, I probably would be more of a happy go-getter than a depressed prick who tries to kill herself every week due to the fact that I can't make a decent living
But no one said life was easy so it was already fated
About seven years ago, I was almost the opposite of what I am now. But that's not a bad thing. I guess I could say that I'm a lot stronger (not necessarily physically) than I was when I was really young. I never thought about how I would turn out when I got older, but I definitely never assumed I'd end up like this.