General Art A New Dawn (One Piece Fanfic)

[AllieHaxorNova]

Hey guys Ammy again! I was going to start posting this fanfic I made on the anime One Piece. It has most of the One Piece Characters and some of my own including myself. Well here's chapter one. This is my very first fanfic EVER. So I hope I do good. And if you have tips I'm cool with that.

Chapter One
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It was a nice sunny day and there was a small barrel floating in the water in the middle of the East Blue.
A girl named Ammy said "OK Luffy please remind me why we crammed in a barrel instead of taking a boat." Then her friend Luffy said "Well because this is safer why else! After all I did eat a devil fruit so I can' t swim anymore. You should know that by now! Gosh Ammy sometimes you act like you have no brain''

Then the barrel gets stuck in a net and is being pulled up onto a ship. Then Luffy and I start to here faint but strong voices.

End of chapter one.
(sorry for a short chapter but that is all I have come up with for now but I plan on having chapter two up sometime very soon so yeah I'll make it better hahahah)
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[ChargewithSword]

Hey guys Ammy again! I was going to start posting this fanfic I made on the anime One Piece. It has most of the One Piece Characters and some of my own including myself. Well here's chapter one.

Chapter One
​

​

It was a nice sunny day and there was a small barrel floating in the water.
"OK Luffy please remind me why we crammed in a barrel instead of taking a boat." "Well because this is safer why else! After all I did eat a devil fruit so I can' t swim anymore. You should know that by now! Gosh Ammy sometimes you act like you have no brain''

The barrel gets stuck to something. The barrel really is stuck in a net and is being pulled up onto a ship. Then Luffy and I start to here faint but strong voices.

End of chapter one.
(sorry for a short chapter but that is all I have come up with for now)
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I think the chapter definitely has potential, but I would suggest you sprice this one up before going on to the second chapter.
Explain the environments more; let the audience get into where they are in the story.
It's difficult to follow who is saying what because you don't say who is or what they're doing. Normally, before or after a character speaks, a small blurb is there to describe them as saying the phrase or committing to something. Then it's best to start a new paragraph afterwords so that the readers can have time to adjust for the next person speaking.
Also, make sure to keep an eye on your tenses. For a story like this, I would suggest sticking to only past tense.

Definitely a lot of potential there.

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

I think the chapter definitely has potential, but I would suggest you sprice this one up before going on to the second chapter.
Explain the environments more; let the audience get into where they are in the story.
It's difficult to follow who is saying what because you don't say who is or what they're doing. Normally, before or after a character speaks, a small blurb is there to describe them as saying the phrase or committing to something. Then it's best to start a new paragraph afterwords so that the readers can have time to adjust for the next person speaking.
Also, make sure to keep an eye on your tenses. For a story like this, I would suggest sticking to only past tense.

Definitely a lot of potential there.

Oh ok thanks for the tip! I'll fix that now.

 

[Ganondork]

It's an interesting concept, indeed. However, in writing, sometimes it's better to explain things through your writing than just to go out and out and say it:

The barrel gets stuck to something. The barrel really is stuck in a net and is being pulled up onto a ship

Another thing about that sentence. It could actually be just one sentence, like this perhaps; "The barrel got stuck onto something, I quickly realized that actually we were just stuck in a net and it was being pulled up onto a ship."

Unfortunately what I just said was hypocrotical, as I sometimes do that myself haha.

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

It's an interesting concept, indeed. However, in writing, sometimes it's better to explain things through your writing than just to go out and out and say it:

Another thing about that sentence. It could actually be just one sentence, like this perhaps; "The barrel got stuck onto something, I quickly realized that actually we were just stuck in a net and it was being pulled up onto a ship."

Unfortunately what I just said was hypocrotical, as I sometimes do that myself haha.

Oh I see! thanks for the tip. I didn't even see that one

 

[Lord Death]

It's pretty good so far! Just follow the tips that ChargewithSword and Ganondork gave you and this fanfic will be amazing!

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

It's pretty good so far! Just follow the tips that ChargewithSword and Ganondork gave you and this fanfic will be amazing!

Hey thanks Greed! And I will because they sure can give good tips!

 

[Mido]

I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I wonder what Ammy and Luffy have in store for us!

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

OK so you guys have been waiting for chapter two so here it is !

Chapter Two

Once the barrel was on the ship the voices Luffy and I heard were more clear. The voices sounded like middle aged men. They were low but strong. They sounded like Shanks's crew members. But Luffy and I haven't seen Captain Shanks in years. So It must just be more pirates. Then one voice said "Wow this barrel is heavy! What do you think is in it?" then another voice said "I say rum. Madam Aroma will be pleased just like the rest of the crew. I'll go get something to open it. You two stay here I might be a bit." he leaves.
I look at Luffy and whisper "What are we gonna do? Those pirates out there seem really mean!" Before I could go on Luffy broke open the barrel.
We both get up and look around. I see three men that are very scary looking. They were heading right for us. So like I would always do at a time like this, I took out my very large scythe. Then I look around and I see what looks like a chore boy. He was not very tall and his hair was pink. He had large round glasses and a high squeaky voice. I walk over to him. For some reason he look scared of me. At first I didn't know why but then I realized that I still had my scythe out. So I put it away and said "Hi there. I'm Ammy nice to meet you." I smiled. Then the chore boy said "H..hi I'm Toby..." he still looked scared.
Then I turn and look at Luffy. I see he didn't get a scratch on him but the other three pirates were knocked out on the ground. Then Luffy comes over. "Hey there. Toby was it?" Luffy said has if he knew Toby all his life. "I'm Luffy. I see you met my friend Ammy." Toby turns to Luffy and says "H..Hi Luffy... what brings you guys out here?

End of Chapter Two
(I'll just say this now but the next chapter gives a ton of needed info )
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[Azure Sage]

I love it so far! Great work! Although, I think you could add a bit more details in. It seemed like you left out the fight, and it just sort of happened. Y'know?

.... I suck at explaining things. Although I hope you understand what I meant.

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

I love it so far! Great work! Although, I think you could add a bit more details in. It seemed like you left out the fight, and it just sort of happened. Y'know?

.... I suck at explaining things. Although I hope you understand what I meant.

Hey thanks. Oh never thought of that. What I was thinking when that happened is how Ammy and Toby met. Because in Chapter four or five I was gonna have a huge fight. Kinda like a boss in Zelda

 

[Azure Sage]

Hey thanks. Oh never thought of that. What I was thinking when that happened is how Ammy and Toby met. Because in Chapter four or five I was gonna have a huge fight. Kinda like a boss in Zelda

Oh, I see. I'm looking forward to that part then!

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

I'm looking forward to that part then!

Makes me happy ^^ again^^ So I have my reasons for leaving that small fight out THIS time lol X3

 

[Zelda64]

64 is the name, going Super is my game! Wait, you already knew that. The fan-fic is going pretty well so far.

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

Hey thank you Zelda64. Well just like I said here is chapter three.

Chapter Three

Toby look at Luffy and I then asks, "What brings you guys to a place like this?" Luffy gets up and finds a place to sit.
He waves his and at Toby and I telling us to come sit with him. Then he looks at me then at Toby. Luffy sighs then says, "Well now. I here you want to know why Ammy and I are in a place like this?" Toby nods. Luffy continues, "Well it all started when we where little. We where friends with a pirate and his crew. The man's name was Shanks. Both Ammy and I always looked up to him...." He takes a breath and continues. "Well one day Ammy and I were at the town bar just to see Shanks before he left town again. And I saw the Gum Gum devil fruit, so because I love to eat things I ate food. Then Ammy was worried so she told Shanks." Luffy laughs. "So Shanks is all like, Luffy did you just eat that devil fruit?!?!?!? and like I would normally say, Yeah so? Will it kill me...? then Shanks told me to spit it out but it was to late. So that's how I got my rubber powers." Luffy turns to me. "Ammy would you like to finish or want me to?" I look at Luffy "I'd love to finish the story!" I look at Luffy then Toby. "Well later after Shanks gave Luffy a small take we went to the docks to play pirates. Well we didn't know at that point that whenever someone eats a devil fruit they lose the ability to swim. And Luffy feel in the water..." I start to tear up. "Then while he was drowning a sea monster attacked us. And just when I thought both me and Luffy where dead... Shanks saved us..." I sigh. "Sad part is the monster ate his arm...." I hug my knees. "then a couple days later after his arm healed Shanks and his crew had to head out again. But the cool this is since Luffy and I wanted to become awesome pirates like Shanks, so Shanks gave us his straw hat. And he said, Now Luffy, Ammy I want you to take good care of my straw hat until we meet again and when you are the worlds greatest pirates. so ever since that day, Luffy and I have been out in the seas looking for crew members." Toby interrupts "Then how did you get on Madam Aroma's ship?" I turn to Luffy knowing he will want to tell Toby this. "Well we got stuck in a barrel!" Luffy starts laughing.
Toby stands there with his mouth wide open. Then Toby stands up and says "So that must have been why I saw you guys come out of the barrel over there!" Luffy nods and says "Bingo! You are one smart little kid!" Luffy looks at me then at Toby. "OK now how did YOU get here Toby?" Toby sighs. "Well I was brought here against my will by Madam Aroma. She took me from my village three years ago. I never Even wanted to be a pirate." Luffy interrupts. "Then what do you wanna be Toby?" Toby looks at the floor. "I want to be in the Marines!" He looks at me and Luffy.

End of Chapter Three
(Well this chapter like I said fills in some lose ends. I should have chapter four up soon but with school starting again I don't know when.)
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