What If Link Had a Beard?

To many, a beard is the ultimate symbol of manliness. In the Middle Ages, a knight’s beard represented his virility and honor. There have been many great bearded men throughout history. Abraham Lincoln, Chuck Norris, Leonidas, Obiwan-Kenobi, and so on. One could say it’s the facial hair of the gods (hell, Jesus and Zeus had one, as well as many other famous deities.) A well managed beard shouts “don’t mess with me, or I’ll kick you in the face.” Seriously, would you mess with someone who had an epic beard? Now we come to the ultimate question. What if Link had a beard? He’s old enough to have one as an adult in Ocarina of Time (Seriously, I had facial hair when I was 16). Pair that with the triforce of courage, and Link ends up being a complete badass.

An obnoxious freak of nature forever child once said “Only real men have fairies.” That’s a lie. Only real men have beards. Just imagine bearded Link strolling into the lost woods. He’d kick Mido right in his stupid face and just stroll into the sacred forest meadow like a badass. Plus, a beard would be a great place for Navi to live. She’d be living in a cave of pure manliness, and that’s got to beat living in Link’s armpit.

What about the women of Hyrule? Sure, most of them have a thing for our hero, but with a beard, it’d be a completely different story. You thought Ruto just threw herself at Link? He’d need to get a restraining order against her if he donned the sacred facial hair. Better watch yourself, Link, that fishy smell isn’t just because she’s a Zora. What about Malon? Sure, she may have something against facial hair, due to her lazy ass dad, and Ingo with his stupid “look at me, I think I’m Italian” mustache (Yeah, I know they’re both based on Mario and Luigi. But Luigi doesn’t look like a date rapist.) I bet she’d be willing to teach Link a little bit more than Epona’s song. What about Naboru? We already know she think’s Link’s a sexy beast. Bearded Link? There probably would have been a slight detour before they stopped at the chamber of the sages. Zelda would probably have the biggest problems containing herself. She’s gotta keep a low profile, yaknow? Otherwise I’m sure Shiek would’ve been a little more creepier than he/she already is. You know that noise Zelda makes when she’s opening the gates in Ganon’s castle? Oh yes.

And Ganondorf? Please, there’s nothing scary about him, sure he’s got a huge ass nose and he shoots balls of zomgwtf out of his hands, but compared to a bearded Link? He’s nothing. He’s like that guy at school who acts like a douche because he think’s he has something to prove. (Plus you know his final transformation is just over compensating for something, why do you think it’s so easy to roll under his legs?) Link would have just walked right into Ganondorf’s room while he was playing his little pansy organ and just have stabbed him in the face right there. Plus that little pink prison Zelda is stuck in? Link would just falcon punch that into pieces, letting out an epic manly roar, while his beard gleamed in the light.

See? The Possibilities are endless. Even Ganondorf realized the power of the beard when he appeared later on in Twilight Princess and Wind Waker. Granted Toon Link having a beard would be really freaky, he’d look like some kind of genetically altered lawn gnome. Twilight Princess Link with a beard? Epic badass. You know what walking into the twilight would have done to him? He wouldn’t have transformed into a wolf, no sir. His beard would come alive and devour the souls of all the monsters Link killed throughout the Journey, and sure, Midna would hide there, and write in her secret diary about all the PG-13 things she’d want to do to Link after she gets back into her true form. You know how Ilia lost her memory? Upon seeing Link’s trademark beard, not only would her memory be restored, but she’d be all over him like a cheap suit.

You know that final battle with Ganondorf that takes place in hyrule field? Well, in beard culture there’s an unspoken rule that goes like this:

At this point, Ganondorf would simply stand down. You’d imagine Link would be a gentlemen and just let him go, but no, not bearded badass Link. He’d simply force ganondorf to commit seppuku before running off with Midna and Zelda. Hyrule would have been such a different place if Link just grew a beard. Now I bet your wondering to yourselves “oh golly gee, this guy know’s a lot about beards!” Yeah, It comes with the territory. The true key to having a beard is to master it. Remember, with great beard, comes great responsibility. Also, your mileage may vary.

So readers, how many of you are currently living the bearded life style? Do any of you have the sudden urge to grow facial hair? Speak! But remember to respect the beard.