Hylian House Hunters: Selling You The Worst Pieces of Real Estate in the Zelda Series

Buying real estate is tricky.

For the last eight months or so, my wife and I have been looking to find a home to call our own. We’ve been renting for what seems like forever, and with both of us settled in our careers, now seemed like right the time to buy. But as we’ve learned over the past several months, buying a home is not the fairy tale process that television shows or movies would have you believe.

Over the course of our search, we found ourselves an awesome realtor, one who has told the truth but has always remained frighteningly optimistic about every place we saw. After all, any one of these places could be our future home, right? But needless to say, in the quest for our perfect dream home, we’ve come across a few stinkers along the way, homes that fall decidedly in between “fixer-upper” and “stinker”. And yet, our wonderful realtor puts on a brave face each time and tries to sell us on a given location, pointing out the redeeming qualities until we pointedly assure her that we don’t like the place.

It’s become a running joke between our realtor and us — one that cracks me up every time, but also one that has piqued the interest of the Zelda fan in me. As I often do, I wondered how my house hunting woes might relate to the Zelda series? What if there were people in the Zelda universe just like my wife and me? What if they were looking for the right piece real estate? What kind of dishonest spiel might their realtor give them, knowing full well the place they were showing off was a rat hole or a money pit?

The thought of it cracked me up, and so I tasked the staff writers at Zelda Dungeon to give us their shrewdest pitch for some of Hyrule’s worst locales.

So without further ado, I present to you…

Hylian House Hunters!

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Music Box House (Alexandria Weber)

Do you feel life eludes you? Is there spirit you lack? Do you tire of the mundane? Take solace in knowing that a property has opened up that will surely excite you. In the heart of Ikana Canyon, Termina Property Company is selling the deed to “Music Box House” for only 150 rupees. 

The wooden roof is painted with colorful symbols and the sturdy walls are made up of bricks that, in color, match the transcendent aqua blue of the ever-running stream of water beside the house. The interior echoes the lively color that will match the vigor of your soul, blues and greens outlining the fully-furnished kitchen and dining room upon entry. Down the stairs you will find a roomy bedroom, complete with a closet big enough to fit an entire body! But that’s not all. With lively music to pep your mood and spirited folk roaming about, you’ll never want to leave your new home. Yet, the property is only steps away from the famed Ikana Castle of old. Explore the ruins of prosperity before you take a turn about the historic Stone Tower Temple. See the spectacle for yourself, the tall tale of heavenly ascension turned upside down. Such exclusive access to these must-see attractions for such a low price is quite the bargain.

You’ll never feel more alive than your initial rush of excitement, stepping into your new home. Your days will capture your pounding heart, and as for your nights, I guarantee you will rest in peace…

Interested parties please inquire at the Mayor’s Residence Reception Desk. Price non-negotiable, non-refundable, and must be paid in full.

 

Snowpeak Ruins (Michaela El-Ters)

Disclaimer: We are legally required to include “Ruins” in the name, “Snowpeak Ruins.” Formerly known as The Snowpeak Estate, refurbishments were suspended due to the Imprisoning War and it has been declared a “ruin” ever since. However, we assure you this is only the case in name. We apologize for any confusion this may cause.

Are you tired of living alone, sweating through scorching summers and shaking the sand out of your boots? Do you dream of living in a picturesque mansion tucked away in a winter wonderland, spending your days with fun and delightful roommates? Look no further than Snowpeak Ruins! 

Located in the Peak Province, Snowpeak Ruins is surrounded by breathtaking cliff sides and a drop that will make your heart skip a beat (we strongly advise staying away from the edges; snow is a poor foothold). Feel like royalty as you strut across the foyer’s red carpet and bask in the natural light shining through the (literally) open ceiling. In the kitchen, you can enjoy Superb Soup served by your roommate, Yeto (He may be a Yeti, but don’t let his initial desire to eat you scare you; he’s very friendly). He may ask you to brave the icier rooms to find ingredients for his soup, but it’s worth the trip! In the living room, you’ll find Yeta enjoying the warmth of the fireplace, where you can thaw out if it gets chilly. If you’re looking for things to do, don’t worry, Snowpeak Ruins has so much to offer! You can admire paintings, fire cannons, or slide boxes across ice. And if that’s not your cup of soup, Yeto and Yeta are avid snowboarders! They’ll challenge you to exhilarating races atop giant, frozen leaves — there’s a bit of a learning curve and lots of things to avoid as you speed down the mountain (trees, cliffs, sudden drops, Ice Keese), but it’s fun!

With rentals at just 250 Rupees per month and the stunning backdrop of the snowy tundra, Snowpeak Ruins has everything. So what are you waiting for? Bring a letter of introduction and apply today!

 

Bottom of the Well (David Nystrom)

You simply can’t beat the sights and sounds of Kakariko Village. But living in the town is so expensive! That was until now! The Bottom of the Well is a simple climb down and away from the hustle and bustle that is the above ground. Sure, there’s rumors of it being haunted and being inhabited by the dead, but I can assure you that this place is as cozy as any place on the surface, and with plenty of amenities!

Utilities are fully included in this one-of-a-kind living facility. With a large and open concept in the main living area, your guests will be wowed by the historical features. One wing has a fully enclosed mausoleum for easily staying connected to your heritage. There’s also a fantastic lower level filled with state-of-the-art security sensors, guaranteed to petrify any would-be thief!

Arguably one of the best features though, is the musically activated water feature that runs around the entire exterior hallway! That’s right! Live in style with your own interior waterfall and river. Style, natural atmosphere, proximity to the growing Kakariko Village, and at a fraction of the cost of those vanilla surface dwellings. What more could you possibly ask for? Inquire today!

 

Rupeeland (Andy Spiteri)

Imagine.

Imagine a society where your worth was determined by how much money you have. Imagine a network of friends who only spoke to you if you pay them enough. Imagine stores that can just take your money if they don’t feel you’ve been fair to their goods. Imagine a world where literally everything revolves around the mighty dollar, with no regards to anything else.

Sounds a bit like paradise, doesn’t it? Well guess what? You don’t have to imagine anymore — because this paradise is real, and it’s called Rupeeland.

Come experience the majesty of Rupeeland, from its swamps to its snowy mountains. Everything is for sale and everyone can be bought in this harmonious land, so act quick and get in on the hottest piece of real estate this side of Pinkle. If you have bad credit, low morals, warrants for your arrest, no problem — as long as you have the money, Rupeeland welcomes everyone! Spots are filling up quick, so make sure you invest every rupee before the properties sell to the highest bidder!

Rupeeland: We Put a Value on You™

 

The Forest Temple (Judy Calder)

Ready to put some roots down? Then look no further than the Forest Temple! Quite literally surrounded by nature, your family can enjoy true privacy in this hauntingly beautiful mansion. A secure site, this property boasts the protection of Wolfos, deterring those unwelcome visitors. And formerly owned by four sisters, you can really feel the spirit of previous inhabitants within the walls of this magnificent building.  

If bedroom space is a worry, we’ve got you covered. Lose yourself in the Forest Temple’s twisting hallways and choose a room to suit even the most topsy-turvy of needs! The creme de la creme of the mansion can be found tucked away in the basement of this property. Forget the stairs and take the elevator where you will find a stunning gallery for homeowners with taste!

If it’s a garden you are interested in, then this is just the place for you! Let your kids run wild in the courtyard, where they can enjoy some regional, exotic plantlife, including the Deku Baba. They might even stumble upon the elusive Golden Skulltula — a perfect educational opportunity for wildlife enthusiasts!

Perfect for Families: The Forest Temple

Hidden Village (Alison Brunyee)

Do you like cats? Are you looking for a property with the character of a bygone era? Does the legend of the Sheikah tribe intrigue you? Then look no further! A short ride away from the Bridge of Eldin, tucked away from society is The Hidden Village. With surprising entry and rockslide feature, this lively village with resident Bulbins and exploding barrels is bound to keep your archery skills sharp.

This charming derelict property is the ultimate fixer upper’s dream. Your only neighbour, Impaz, will be sure to give you a friendly welcome just as soon as it is safe to step outside. Children will love playing Cat Hunt with the out-of-control feline population, and the village is certified as wolf friendly. With convenient Hookshot spots located throughout, you will find the open-plan style of The Hidden Village an absolute joy. Don’t miss this excellent opportunity, viewings strictly by appointment only! Please contact Malo at Castle Town for more information.

 

Mekar Island (Heather Beard)

Are you looking for a quiet place to settle down? Do you love privacy and isolation?  Then hop a raft down Mekar River and you’ll find a lovely little island by the same name, Mekar Island. The site has beautiful full views of Mount Drena, Lost Woods, and the surrounding river. The island doesn’t boast much, but there is a campfire ready for lighting to relax by and an old tree that is perfect for climbing. This mysterious little island is a perfect spot for anyone wanting space, but not too much space. 

Not really one for isolation or care for a little excitement? Once the moon rises you’ll find yourself in the company of stal-monsters rearing for battle and ready to show off a variety of powerful weapons. Mekar Island will have you on your toes for sure — peaceful daytimes with a relaxing river setting and a lively nightlife that will sure to satisfy any Hylian looking for a new place to call home. 

Still wondering why Mekar Island is worth the rupees? While the island itself is surrounded in mystery, it’s no mystery that Mekar Island will satisfy any homeowner looking for an entire island to call their own! So take a leap of faith and settle down on this cozy little island today!

 

Agitha’s Castle (Alexis Anderson)

This unit is a beautiful two-story property conveniently located in bustling Castle Town. It’s just a stone’s throw away from Telma’s Bar for those evenings when you need to wind down from a stressful day with some delicious milk. Speaking of stressful — I am legally obligated to inform you that the Hylian guards have been called to the premises on occasion to deal with an alleged stalker lurking at the front window. Hopefully this looky-loo will leave along with the previous owner.

Its brick walls are lined with gorgeous stained glass windows, though they don’t let in a lot of natural light. This wasn’t a issue for the previous tenant who had her own… interesting methods for illuminating the space. On that note, the place has a bit of a bug problem. The previous owner had somewhat of an affinity for them and unfortunately many have made this rowhouse their forever home.

On the bright side, it’s the perfect spot if you want to be close to nature because a fully grown tree has taken root right in the middle of it! Sure, the clean up and maintenance of a tree indoors with very little sunlight isn’t a walk in the park, but it’s a small price to pay for the quick conversion of your carbon dioxide into fresh oxygen. Stop by to tour the property and breathe in that purified air for yourself!

 

Gerudo Prison (Rod Lloyd)

After years of delays, work has finally begun on Hyrule Castle’s new development project in Gerudo Valley. As progress continues on this exciting new initiative, we know that the valued members of our workforce will need adequate facilities and affordable housing close to development sites. That’s why the Royal Family is partnering with local property owners to provide apartment units to Hyrulian carpenters and other essential workers.

The state-of-the-art housing facility, built in the heart of Gerudo Valley, boasts four floors of cozy, studio-sized apartment units. The gorgeous stone and metal work of each unit, a staple of Gerudo architecture, not only offers aesthetic value, but protects tenants from the harsh elements of the region. And they’re completely secure too!

“We also have our ‘hero suite’ available,” facility director Nabooru said in a recent press release. “This luxury two-story unit features a balcony that overlooks the entire valley.”

Prospective tenants are encouraged to contact the Royal Family Housing Commission for more information. Leases are expected to run five to ten years, with the possibility of parole.

 

Eventide Island (Bryan King)

The conveniences of modern living got you down? Living in a constant state of stress and panic from the expectations that come with a reliance of contemporary technology? Are you waiting to seize the opportunity to isolate yourself from the rest of mankind and become one with nature? If so, fret no longer, friend! There is indeed hope in these dark times. There is… Eventide Island!

Eventide is the perfect location for those looking for a minimalist lifestyle. Leave your worries and equipment at the shore as you make your way inland to begin your new life! You’ll have no need for your worldly possessions as you bask in the warm sunlight and cool ocean breeze. Feel the excitement as you engage in a daily fight for survival as you acquaint yourself with your new neighbors: a gang of Bokoblins and a (usually) comatose Hinox! Give your brain a workout as you probe the mysteries of the nearby Sheikah Shrine, said to be inhabited by the ancient monk Korgu Chideh!

Interested parties need only sail or paraglide toward the southeastern portion of the Necluda Sea. NOTE: significant upper body strength and endurance necessary for latter option. Rupee Saver Retailers is not responsible for any injuries or accidental death sustained by parties that fail to complete their intended voyage. Please direct all questions and inquiries to Error, chief real estate officer located in Hateno Village.

 

Cave of Ordeals (Spencer Pymm)

Are you someone who’s passionate about intricate house design? How about someone into deep cave spelunking? Maybe you’re a scholar who wants to study all the fantastic and terrifying creatures of Hyrule? Now is your chance to check out this 50 story beautiful mansion located beneath the rolling, never-ending sandy hills of the Gerudo Desert.

Each new floor comes with its own theme and appeal. This place doesn’t shy away from being a diverse living space. You go from levels almost completely empty, to levels that help simulate what hell on earth would be like, to ice caves that could freeze the courage in Link’s very own heart. We haven’t even mentioned yet the gang of ever growing Darknuts on the second to last floor. They’re a riot of a time thats for sure!

Don’t hesitate to call the Fyer and Falbi real estate hotline at 1-800-FAF-CAVE. Once again that’s 1-800-FAF-CAVE. Call now and get a free bottle of Fairy Tears! Don’t hesitate to call! This glorious mansion abode is gonna sell *cough* quick! We’ll even throw in an admissions free cannon ride up to the location! But you’ve got to call ASAP!

 

Woodfall (Charles Xavier)

Are you tired of the norm? Do you want a little more excitement in daily life? We got you covered! Pack your bags and move to the scenic area of Woodfall! 

Atop this wonderful Mesa, you’ll find maze-like platforms leading to a mysterious ceremonial altar. You’ll have to battle angry beatles that charge at you, but that’s part of the fun! Sure, there will be long gaps between platforms; and unless you are a Deku, you might be in a bind, but we’re sure you’ll find some way to breach them! Perhaps you’ll take a jump, and even if you don’t make it, the water will save you. Just don’t stay in it too long; it’s poisonous! Or, maybe have your ancestors stick around a few thousand years to let evolution kick in so they grow wings. There are options, I tell you!

This location comes with a luxurious Temple Manor made of sturdy masonry and trees, 100% guaranteed to withstand the elements. Inside you will find a spacious interior, including a large pool with a water purifier. It might be a little complex to start up, but we trust you’ll figure out how to work it. After all, it will be the difference between life or death. Stay long enough, and you’ll be surprised what solutions you can come up with in desperation for non-poisonous water.

Deep within the Temple depths, you will find a deity possessed by a tribal shaman of some sort. He might seem hostile, but in reality he is simply very passionate about his private dancing lessons, which we will throw in free of charge! The Temple also has a wonderful balcony that spans the entire exterior. From there you can soak in the beauty of that enchanting purple water, with those gigantic bugs flying nearby, and gaze overhead at that giant evil-faced moon that we’re slowly but surely coming to love. You can even catch a game of Deku Nut catch, or participate if you’d like!

This property really has it all. So what are you waiting for? This is the deal of a lifetime, and it’s yours for the extremely low price of 800 Rupees! Interested parties should visit Crazy Jiro’s Realators in Central Clock Town!

Lon Lon Ranch (Kristen Rosario)

Do you love riding horses? Do you enjoy the more simple kind of farm life? Then you’ll enjoy a home-away-from-home with Lon Lon Ranch. Providing more of a rustic “bed and breakfast” kind of feel, Lon Lon Ranch provides a small farm feel without feeling so overwhelming. The land itself is at the center of Hyrule Field, with a gorgeous sweeping vista view of all of Hyrule’s flagship landmarks. If you yourself want to truly live that farm life, then that’s on the table too.

As a special offer to those interested in buying this farmland as a vacation spot, the farm will be provided with workers that can provide help with taking care of the cuccos, horses, and cows. This will come at no additional cost for you as part of this special offer. They will not only make sure to take care of the upkeep of the farm, but also teach you in the ways of how to raise farm animals too.

Make sure to call now, as this limited special offer will not be on the table for long!

 

Arbiter’s Grounds (Brandon Schmitz)

Yearning for a life of privacy and relative darkness? Want to become the warden of your own destiny? Then look no further than the Arbiter’s Grounds!

Nestled deep within the heart of the Gerudo Desert, this once thriving prison has become a wonderland of seclusion. Its walls serve as a monument to Hyrule’s rich history, while the cozily dim lighting is perfect for those with the most discerning taste. 

As a homeowner, few things are more irksome than uninvited guests. Although its isolation from Hyrule proper should keep pests at bay, the Arbiter’s Grounds boasts a state-of-the-art security system, complete with sandpits, spiked traps, collapsible chandeliers, and more. Don’t worry, though — we’ll show you which spots to watch out for! If the intruders come knocking, you’ll have everything you need to keep your Heart Containers safe.

With a structure as massive as this one, we understand that mere traversal may seem tedious. As such, we’ve installed Spinner rails throughout the building, and we’ll even throw in a Spinner at no additional cost. Without any training facilities in the immediate area, the Spinner makes for a wonderful lower-body exercise, too.

There’s no time to waste. Contact your nearest Sage today and we’ll give you the grand tour!

 

Dark World Golden Pyramid (Doug Kwiecinski)

Feeling stuck in a rut and want to experience another side of Hyrule? Do you want to feel closer to the Goddesses and taste the hidden power of this beautiful land? Are your neighbors driving you nuts and you want to meet new faces? Find your new getaway in the fabulous, spacious Golden Pyramid. Located in an alternate Hyrule, you’ll feel transported into a new, mysterious land filled with enchanting locales and interesting neighbors.

Located in the heart of the Sacred Realm, the Golden Pyramid offers plenty of space. Enter through our strategically placed skylight/roof entrance to a large main chamber. Directly below this room, you’ll find a spacious double room, perfect for entertaining guests, as a living space, or just dropping in for a bit. Exit to a fabulous porch decorated with ornate statues and a beautiful view of the landscape. Just off the main staircase, find your very own secret pool. Rumor has it a kindly fairy will reward honest homeowners…

If all this is not enough for you, rumor has it that the powerful Triforce can be found somewhere on the premises. Make all your dreams come true today with this once in a lifetime opportunity!

 

The Stock Pot Inn (David Lasby)

Tough economy got you needing a hand? Single room available at the Stock Pot Inn!

With so many out of work right now and needing to downsize, we’re here to lend you a hand. You’ve got “???” We’ve got answers! Check out this almost private single room available right now at Clock Town’s famous Stock Pot Inn. Sure, some might call it a bathroom, but yesterday’s latrine is today’s dream!

You’ll love the perks this cozy space has to offer, from midnight high-fives to document disposal. Got an old love letter you’d rather not think about? A title deed that’s inconvenient for taxes? Gone. We got it handled! Take advantage of our services enough and your “roommate” might even share his heart with you.

You’ll also enjoy access to the many unique guests who stay at Stock Pot Inn, including several big-time musicians and dancers. Your room also offers prime access to the upcoming festival, an absolute must in today’s social scene. Call now because missing out on this deal just might be the end of the world!

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I don’t know about you, but my hand was inching ever closer toward my pocket book as I read these pitches. But even if you personally wouldn’t move into any of these sub-par real estate ventures, you can’t deny that there is always something — no matter how small — to admire and appreciate about every location in The Legend of Zelda.

Our staff got into quite the competitive spirit while developing this feature, so be sure to tell us who you think gave the best pitch in the poll below!

Were you persuaded by any of our talented real estate agents? What locations from the Zelda series would you actually consider living at? Speak your mind in the comments below!

Rod Lloyd is the managing editor at Zelda Dungeon, primarily overseeing the news and feature content of the site. The Zelda Dungeon Caption Contest and Zelda Dungeon themed weeks are both Rod’s babies. You can find Rod on Twitter right here.