• Welcome to ZD Forums! You must create an account and log in to see and participate in the Shoutbox chat on this main index page.

Chuck Norris Jokes

amaterasu

Writer
Joined
May 21, 2011
Location
FL, USA
Gender
Female
These are the rules

1. Try to keep them as clean as possible, I don't mind a little profanity or vulgarity but don't make it excessive.
2. Limit 5 jokes per post. No posting twice in a row. Let somebody else post some jokes even if you already know them. Other people like to tell jokes too!
3. Chuck Norris jokes only.
4. Don't diss people for their "sucky" jokes, no matter how much they suck.
5. I guess that's it. Have fun!
 

Rytex

Resident Netizen
Joined
May 10, 2010
Location
Random house in Texas.
1. God said "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said "Say please."
2. Chuck Norris once brought a dead lamb back to life. The incident drew a huge amount of media attention, but before their very eyes, Chuck Norris broke its neck. I guess it just goes to show that the good Chuck giveth and the good Chuck taketh away.
3. Originally, Chuck Norris was one of the wise men in the Bible. He gave Jesus a fourth gift: the gift of Beard. The other wise men were so jealous that they wrote him out of the Bible. That's why we don't see them ever again.
4.They tried to make a brand of toilet paper with Chuck Norris' face on it, but the idea was rejected because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from anybody.
5. Chuck Norris is an @sshole. Because I've said that, my life expectancy is about three seco
 

Linknmike

Dank meme connoisseur
Joined
Nov 27, 2010
Location
Gallifrey
-When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

-On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of his enemies. Being very romantic, he considers every day Valentine's Day.

-Chuck Norris is very generous. He once donated 6,000 dead bodies for reasearch.

-Chuck Norris was the origional sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project with only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

-Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him a 'promising rookie.'
 

Justeazy

Todo is the pfuf!
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Chuck Norris isn't all that great.

Ooh, wait, we're supposed to overexaggerate here?
 

amaterasu

Writer
Joined
May 21, 2011
Location
FL, USA
Gender
Female
dude, it's just a joke thread. my friends and i crack chuck norris jokes all the time, and i thought it'd be nice to see if other people could give us some ideas, because it seems we've thought of all the ones in the book. gosh.
 

Kaleb Dampf

YouTube- www.youtube.com/user/F3artheReaper
Joined
Mar 31, 2011
Location
US of A
1. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the face, they are now called giraffes.
2. There is no CONTROL key on Chuck Norris' keyboard; Chuck Norris is in Control
3. Chuck Norris makes blood donations frequently, but not with his own blood.
4. Chuck Norris got mad at dinosaurs just once. Only once.
5. When Chuck Norris was born, his fist was clenched; inside was a birth control pill. Nothing gets past Chuck Norris.
 

Rytex

Resident Netizen
Joined
May 10, 2010
Location
Random house in Texas.
I'm full of these, but nearly all of them that I find have something to do with sex. Some are less vulgar, more humor-oriented though, like two of these.

1. Chuck Norris can eat three 72oz. steaks in an hour. 59 minutes of that hour are spent having sex with the waitress.
2. Chuck Norris once took a vacation to the Virgin Islands. When he left, they were just "The Islands."
3. Most children check their closet for the boogieman every night. Well, the boogieman checks is closet for Chuck Norris every night.
4. Little kids like to wear Superman underwear. Superman likes to wear Chuck Norris underwear.
5. Contrary to popular belief, Jesus' birthday is not December 25. Chuck Norris sent him a birthday card on that day, and Jesus was too scared to correct him.
 

amaterasu

Writer
Joined
May 21, 2011
Location
FL, USA
Gender
Female
Chuck Norris once made a tire go flat just by staring at it. Because Chuck Norris can BEND REALITY
Chuck Norris built the cabin he was born in
Chuck Norris once Roundhouse Kicked an old lady in the face so fast, it broke the time stream and killed Amelia Airheart in mid-flight.
The only reason human cloning isn't accepted, is because scientists theorized that if one Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick met another, it could end the world.
 

Rytex

Resident Netizen
Joined
May 10, 2010
Location
Random house in Texas.
1. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
2. If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked someone Mr. T pitied, the universe would rend itself to pieces.
3. Godzilla and the Iron Giant got into anarm-wrestling match. Chuck Norris won.
4. Waldo's hiding from Chuck Norris.
5. Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals at the 2008 Summer Olympics. Chuck Norris won 8 gold medals at the Olympic Pool parking lot. He is currently trying to get "Scaring the hell out of Michael Phelps" classified as an olympic event.
 

Emma

The Cassandra
Site Staff
Joined
Nov 29, 2008
Location
Vegas
Let me try!

  1. Chuck Norris doesn't run away from explosions, explosions run away from him.
  2. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
  3. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass...at night!
  4. It only takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch "60 Minutes"
  5. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
 

Rytex

Resident Netizen
Joined
May 10, 2010
Location
Random house in Texas.
Good Matt!

1. Chuck Norris watched a whole season of 24 in about 6 hours. (For those of you who don't know, 24 is a 24-episode season, each episode is an hour long, so each season covers one day).
2. Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups. He does Earth-downs.
3. Outer Space exists because it's too scared to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
4. Chuck Norris sleeps with a light on. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark's afraid of him.
5. When he watches the show "I didn't know I was pregnant," Chuck Norris laughs quietly to himself.
 

insanity76

I don't suffer from it ..
Joined
Jun 17, 2010
Location
Texas
-Chuck Norris could save Termina from destruction by simply staring at the moon, causing it to retreat back to the sky out of fear.

-There were originally 4 spells in Ocarina of Time - Din's Fire, Farore's Wind, Nayru's Love, and then Chuck Norris' Rage which was later removed out of pity for the enemies.

-Lake Hylia wasn't drained due to a curse at the Water Temple. Chuck Norris just got thirsty.

-Ganondorf purposely lost to Link and allowed himself to get sealed away in the Sacred Realm because he found out Chuck Norris came to Hyrule looking for him.

-Chuck Norris is a secret to nobody. He wants his victims to know when he's coming for them.
 

Celeboy

Collecting Dust
Joined
Sep 27, 2010
Location
UK
I got one.
Chuck norris doesn't go swimming, water wants to be around him.
Chuck Norris' beard has black belt in almost every martial art, except oragami.
When Chuck Norris plays OoT, Gibdos and ReDeads only scream because they're afraid of him.
The Happy Mask Salesman only wants the Majoras Mask back so Chuck Norris can't get his hands on it and create untold TERROR!!!
 

amaterasu

Writer
Joined
May 21, 2011
Location
FL, USA
Gender
Female
Glad to see this thread is getting some attention! maybe i should put the other's i made in my sig so people will see
 

insanity76

I don't suffer from it ..
Joined
Jun 17, 2010
Location
Texas
Chuck Norris puts the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter.'

The grass is always greener on the other side unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris' kicks are faster than the speed of light. So in theory, if you hit the light switch you'll be dead before the light comes on.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Top Bottom