Are these the Pokémon of the Future?
Posted on October 12 2011 by Nathanial Rumphol-Janc
Inspired by Ben Lamoreux’s “Is Pokémon Becoming Garbage or Just Hitting its Stride?” And I know, in the past articles with me responding to Ben have resulted in more controversy than the internet can handle. Shame the comments have since been lost! Anyways, let me try my hand at writing this (or technically hands seen I’m typing). Enjoy…
Look at ‘em up there. Mr. Giant Douche and Mr. Turd Sandwich. October 2004 may have just been before a US Presidential election, but the real issue was of who was to be South Park Elementary School’s new mascot: a Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich? I mean look at them up there, don’t they look like Pokémon we’re going to see soon in (the really should be 3D) Generation VI?
What? You say I’m being rash? I’m not the one who claims that the designs of Pokémon are declining from Generation to Generation. I mean, in many people’s mind, Pokémon have been douches and turds for a whole decade now. But we’re not rash like that are we? We can impartially discuss whether or not Pokémon designs are going downhill, right?
But how can we discuss, when there’s nothing to discuss. There is only one true answer to this debate: those who think Pokémon designs are declining are delusional. Obviously, Pokémon designs have always sucked! I kid, I kid. Seriously though, anyone with common sense knows that there have, and always will be, awesome and crappy Pokémon in every generation. Bad Pokémon designs go right back to Generation I!
I know people (who I called friend, but can’t after this travesty) who took one look at Reshiram and Zekrom and said “They’re not Pokémon”. Granted, Zekrom sucks, but that was too far. I even know this really lame guy (wasn’t me) who said a similar thing soon after Gen II arrived. To many people around the ages 18+, Pokémon died at the end of Kanto. But of course, these people who refuse to accept the validity of more recent Pokémon – they’re just not fans at all!
We real Pokémon fans – or fanatics as “fan” is short for – all know that to love Pokémon is to take the good with the bad. Always has been and always will be. Some people will only ever acknowledge Bulbasaur or Charmander or Pikachu or Mewtwo and their pals as true Pokémon. But look – even Gen I has lame Pokémon. Nidoran’s gender separation is a poor excuse to somehow get six different Pokemon! Muk and Grimer are nothing more than clumps of slime – even with their apparently epic chemical mutation backstory! Ditto is just, well, an imposter and what the hell is a Weedle? Generation I has as many lame designs as any other Generation!
Gen II’s great designs lie in the starters, the legendaries, the dog-trio, oh, and Tyranitar! But Igglybuff are you serious? Are we already getting that desperate? Granbull, should on all accounts be a good Pokémon after a good concept, but it just isn’t finished being made yet. Put it away. As for Wobbufet and Girafarig – they are just wacky concepts, but work as Pokémon. I mean, they have heads and faces on their tails. Poor concepts can create awesome Pokémon, and have here. And it’s just unknown how an Unown can be taken to be a serious creature!
Now, Hoenn in Gen III – apparently the worst for many people. It started off great with its starters, but then Lotad? What is that, a lillypad? Whismur, Loudred and Exploud are freaking speakers. I swear I’ve got two Explouds in the back of my car! Nosepass, however, is the epitome of a great Pokémon design – no fault there! I love Plusle and Minun, but how are they not just Pichu with mathematical symbols on their face? Luvdisc is just no! The legendaries in this gen are pretty sweet though – Latias and Latios, Jirachi, Grouden, others and Rayquazza. Goddam Rayquazza – “if I had to guess I’d say you were…from the machine world”. Thank you for the insight Neo!
Now, as if Gen IV isn’t the best! Piplup dominates the earth, but then Starly and evolutions – Pidgey is coming to sue you for identity fraud! Budew – is it bud or is it Jew/dew? Driftblim is a blimp! Yes, seriously! Chingling, what is that, a piece of bling? Garchomp is legend, and Lucario is the best Pokémon ever. Gliscor still seems to be some sort of horny scorpion who goes round chanting “score score”! And how is Porygon with a Z after his name and rounded edges anymore than a modern Porygon? The legendaries here are deeply thought out and stuff. Pretty sweet!
So, are you seeing how every Generation right up to Generation IV has both great and lame Pokemon? There are 649 of these beasts, so many have to suck by rule of thumb. Gen V is no different. The starters, Victini, some of the fighters and the legendaries/dragons rule. But those Pan and Simis – they’re the same Pokémon repeated over and over with different elements! You know, why not make a pair for every other Pokémon type? And I thought Mew was a fetus, but Musharna puts poor Mew to shame!
Sorry to say, but Roggenrola is a rock-vagina. I kid not! Crustle appears to be nothing more that centuries of rock-sediment upon a crab! Trubbish and Garbodor are the quality equivalents of Muk and Grimer! Gothirita and co are as emo as Darkrai. No doubt they are preludes to the Golliwog Pokémon in Gen VI. However, Golliwogs will be banned in the west due to being racially insensitive. A similar fate awaits Baa Baa Black Sheep, who in the west will be called Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep!
Vanillite and his evolutions are not doubt the worst concept ever! The dessert Pokémon! He’s a damn bowl of ice cream – but I won’t deny that he’s one of the best of Gen V! It’s surprising that Deerling and Sawsbuck’s different forms aren’t classified as separate Pokémon, but alas, they are not. Emolga may be awesome, but Klink, Klang and Klinklang (see what they did there) are gears. Yes gears! And Chendelure and friends can deal with all of your lighting requirements. Cubchoo, is not doubt based on that kid in The Wind Waker, although he is just Teddiursa in the cold. Oh, and Pidove, Pidgey is coming for you when he’s done with all those other imposters!
Every generation has its awesome, its lames, and its blatant copies! Once upon a time I sent an e-mail to Nintendo saying that they should change the slogan of “Gotta catch ‘em all” to “Gotta catch the ones I like”. Game Freak replied with some generic something of my suggestion being noted! No doubt that note was given to Garbador! The better Pokémon tend to be based upon animals, and the worse designs after household items and treats. But even the worse concept can become the best Pokémon! Nosepass will always be the fan favorite!
If they were to make Pokéraps spanning all generations they should separate them into the “Pokérap of Crap” and “Pokérap for you to fap”! But even that wouldn’t be possible, because it’s all subjective. Every generation may have its standouts and failures, but which ones are which differs from individual to individual. Did you know some people only bought Pokémon in Gen III for Nosepass? Pokémon has always had, and will always have, its turd sandwiches and giant douches – figuratively of course, for the kiddies – but being a Pokémon fan is about taking the good and the bad – the douches and the turds!
