Do you consider yourself a serious Zelda fan? Does the intensity of your passion for Zelda often raise the eyebrows of people around you? Me too, and like you I don’t think twice about it. Zelda fans, however, will be shocked to learn that Christwire–a site purporting to be a conservative Christian website–has accused Zelda fans, the “Legendary Zelda cultists” as they put it, of summoning Hurricane Sandy. That’s right–Hurricane Sandy.
According to Christwire, thousands of Zelda fans across the East Coast of the United States played the Song of Storms from Ocarina of Time in unison on the “satanic” ocarina to “attack America in a moment of weakness.” Want to know how the Legendary Zelda cultists acquired their evil power? Well, read on.
“Possessed tongues unified in releasing the Satanic chants of Satan, Legend of Zelda occult members hold a summoning where the Prince of Darkness appears in a double triforce of fire and helps them bring chaos and destruction upon the world. With but a chant and the play of a new Satanic instrument called an ‘ocarina’, Legend of Zelda fans scattered throughout the Eastern seabord [sic] summoned Hurricane Sandy, the Frankenstorm, upon America and showed just how powerful they have become.”
In order to inform its readers–who may know less about Zelda cultists–Christwire continue by claiming that the “triforce”, the central object in Zelda mythology, dates back to the ancient civilizations of Egypt and Sumer. Apparently, these Zelda occultists believe that the Earth was created by the three goddesses–which, I guess, isn’t far off the mark in Hyrule’s history. Curiously, they insist that the Zelda occultists believe that the Goddess of Power was “actually not a female, but a homosexual male hiding his true form from the other two.”
According to Christwire, these supposed Zelda occultists believe the Goddess of Power then went rogue, attempting to seize all control over the planet for him/herself. A legendary battle ensued. The goddesses fell, the triforce shattered, and good and evil came to be in the Zelda “religious occult”.
Christwire says that the Legendary Zelda cult first appeared publicly with the release of the NES–which they believe to be an acronym for “New Empire of Satan”, and that the Power Glove was the instrument wielded by the prime knight of the Goddess of Power–Ganondorf–during the final battle. The Power Glove, a weapon of “unsurmountable [sic] power”, allows Zelda cultists to transfer kinetic energy into a video game, thus making it evil.
Christwire emphasizes that it wasn’t the Power Glove behind Hurricane Sandy–despite its supposed evil powers–but the ocarina, “a tiny instrument used by Satan, when he was the archangel of heaven’s music.” Zelda fans allegedly used the mystical powers of the ocarina–specifically, the Song of Storms–to summon “the Frankenstorm”, and won’t stop until America permits the rise of Ganondorf and his father Satan. As one cultist allegedly put it on an internet forum,
“At the stroke of midnight and during the hour of witching, let us burn the double-triforce in our towns and summon upon America great storms. It is from the flames that the great dragon of Hyrule shall arise.”
Christwire feels that the only solution to this issue is to de-legalize and destroy all Legend of Zelda video games, fearing that the Zelda occultists are “more dangerous than the Harry Potter and Twilight cults combined.” The site insists that the occultists are “able to wield as many scary powers as black metal fans.”
However… in case you haven’t already guessed, the source post is 100% satirical. In fact, the entire website of Christwire is pure satire, with posts aimed at parodying the views held by some conservative Christians. This particular post is parodying the actual assertion by several fundamentalist pastors who insist that Hurricane Sandy and the tragic events that transpired are caused by homosexuals.
Did you actually believe that Christwire’s “news story” was legitimate? Were you worried they would actually start a movement to burn all copies of Zelda games? Thankfully not. Let us know what you think of Christwire’s satire below.